I am in love with Levi, one of my subordinate, he is short and attractive. His body never bored me, the proportion of fair slender mass, muscularly abdomen and most attractive part of his body is the nape, long and fair with the prominent cervical curve. Nor does his attitude the way he talked with me, and complained about everything, the way his small legs leapt ahead catching my phase, the way he nods and many more of his adorable gestures never failed to amuse me.
We were never intimate with each other but I have dreamt about it a lot. These days I am having such dreams and they are in the way of my work. Whenever he and I had conversation my eyes remained fixed on his lips, those soft lips whenever spoke my name, my tongue always takes a tour of my lower lips wanted to be wet and violated by my soldier's "tongue" in a duel of mutual secretions. His figure attracts me in a way which wanted to be explored by my holy hands, my imaginations about his moans keep on echoing inside my brain, his face, the one he would make when he begs for more makes me die for an instant and revive me when he angrily persists for getting my attention on a matter he came to discuss with me.
"Oi! Erwin?" He aggressively hit the desk trying to get my attention. My optic nerves visualized him as a tsundare with a pouted face.
"What!?" I answered with a smiling face masking my hideous perverted thoughts.
"What is your problem? Were you even listening to me what I have been blabbing out from the last…." He stopped and his face expression changed, the one I never saw before. He came close to me and hold my face with both of his hands and politely asked me, "Are you feeling ok"?
"Yes, why would you ask", I responded to his query with a faint smile, trying to gain his attention.
"Then why are you bleeding", he asked. He reached out to my face and wiped my blood which was dripping down from my nose with his neat handkerchief overflowing with the scent of Levi's. I wonder why I haven't noticed that I was bleeding out during my period of gratification of Levi's closure. I do not want Levi to have a glimpse of my pervert side. He takes the cup from my hand and placed it on a saucer with delicacy. I looked up at his face which was so close to me that my heart skipped his maiden beats because my poor heart had never faced such pressure before. As he always keeps a certain distance from everyone.
"Ahm!" I cleared my throat and maintained my composure like nothing happened. Levi was also attentive to hear what I wanted to say, I can imagine his puppy looks but the reality always depressed you. I reached out for the teapot, he got it and poured it for me. The tender touch of his hand while he handed over my cup ignited a strange feeling throughout my body, made me desire him more, I recently suppressed this feeling which is making it hard to breathe, but a conscious intake of oxygen can divert my breathing rhythm. The aroma of tea catches my attention, I took my first sip of the tea, the perfect amalgamation of water enriched with Darjeeling leaves giving it a sweet taste which can easily relax your mind.
"Help yourself", I broke the silence.
Suddenly a sharp pain shuddered me and I coughed blood. The blurred face of Levi, his panicked voice echoing and then everything went dark. The last thing I remembered was that I was working on some project with someone whose face I can't visualize.
When I woke up I heard the chattering around me and I found many familiar faces. I try to smile but couldn't.
"Look he is awake", a certain maniac creature around me spoke with a high pitched voice while jumping.
"黙れ, くそ めがね, (damare, kuso megane) Shut up, shit glasses, how's he now", a certain well-dressed midget expressed his concerns about me.
"Erwin look who is here to meet you", that maniac addressed me while having a creepy smile.
"Erwin speaks to me please", Midget tried to theme his scrutinize about me.
I looked in his eyes try to utter some words, but they won't come out. I tried to get up, but my body does not support my action, I am unable to lift my hand, those who were yearning to touch my dear Levi. All I can see is his worried face the one he is trying to hide from others.
Nobody wanted a useless pawn so I am thrown out of survey corps, but there is only one person who never lost hope. Currently, I am living with him. I never saw Levi being so talkative, he talks about every event he encounters in a day, he smiles, laughs gets angry in a different way from the one I have imagined. Sometimes when he thinks I am asleep, he sits beside me and cry and cursing himself for not taking the first sip of the drugged tea the one he served me on that day. One night he was talking about his today's events i.e. they were ready for the next expedition, he was explaining he might not be available for few weeks.
He always looks in my eyes finding some kind of answer from me, but I always disappoint him with no response. How come I can give him any response I am unable to move, I am fighting an inner battle with my body to overcome this disease.
He looks tired I wanted to hug him tightly and cry as much as I can. Alas! I couldn't. I have to maintain my composure in front of him because he still looks me in the same way as I am his boss and he is waiting for me to take charge of everything. While I was confronting my regrets something unusual happened. While talking, he slept beside me crying, and here I am suppressing my feelings. The conflict between my emotions and my morals ended on the victory of my emotions, they burst out in form of small droplets dropping on Levi's sleeping face, like they are claiming they won the battle and proclaiming
"Sometimes words are not needed to express what is inside".
I wasn't able to sleep that night convincing myself that these tears are not for expressing one's true self. Next day, when he woke up, he was embraced because he was in lying on my lap although he was making the same face the one I have imagined, but I kept my eyes close so he might think that I am sleeping. I call myself a blissful pervert who can see the live action of his lover when he changes clothes in front of him without even thinking that I might be staring that slender body of his.
We often have taken the bath together, but sometimes this made me laugh when he struggle hard to take me to the tub and wash me like I am some kind of a rug. His cleanliness of everything is above his morals.
That was the last day we spent together before he took off for his new expedition. Levi came close to me and said: "goodbye, I'll be back soon and don't worry, I hired a housekeeper for you". He left me with a smile and in return I gave him the same look which he was having from last month. Although I wanted him to kiss me on my forehead and saying "Honey, I'll back be patient and wait for me", but as always reality disappoints you.
