*PLEASE READ THE MESS THAT WE'LL BECOME BEFORE YOU READ THIS STORY. THANK YOU*

Metanoia

Chapter 1: Lacuna


How strange to think
we once were
lovers ~ LA Dispute

"So it's not off course, it's trespassing." Steve turned to Natasha and struggled not to roll his eyes during the debriefing of their latest mission. A SHIELD ship, Lumarian Star, had been hijacked by pirates and it needed retrieving. Of course, in Fury's typical way, neither of them had been told it was a SHIELD ship until right before the drop AND they hadn't been told that the ship was trespassing in international waters.

"I'm sure they had a good reason," Natasha replied casually, glancing at Steve. He met her gaze, his brow furrowed and angry.

"Yeah? Well, I'm getting a little tired of being Fury's janitor." He gave her a pointed look, watching as she shrugged her shoulders lightly.

"Relax, it's not that complicated." She gave him a tiny smirk and gestured for Brock Rumlow of S.T.R.I.K.E to continue talking. Steve sucked in a breath to control his temper and focused his attention back on the debriefing.

"How many pirates?" he asked, listening as Rumlow continued giving them information.

25 pirates were what they had to face aboard the Lumarian Star. They were lead by a French-Algerian, ex-DGSE by the name of Georges Batroc who was wanted by Interpol for his violent and demanding history.

Natasha was right about one thing, the mission would be a cakewalk… yet, something still didn't sit right with Steve.

"There are two, level 7 SHIELD agents aboard the ship too," Rumlow concluded, sweeping up on the screen to reveal their identities. "Jasper Sitwell and –"

"Aurora Dugan." Steve couldn't stop the name from escaping his lips. He felt like the air had been sucked from his lungs. He barely felt Natasha's hand on his arm. His ears rang and his eyes burned as he stared, unblinking, at her face on the screen above them.

She looked different, her skin pale and taught across her bones as if she'd lost a lot of weight. Her hair was cut bluntly around her chin and it was blond, brassy like it had been from a bottle too many times over. Her eyes had also lost all their warmth and his heart ached to see what she'd become.

"Agent Aurora Dugan, recently reinstated with SHIELD after defecting for 2 years with ASIS," Rumlow explained, flashing her file up before their eyes.

"ASIS?" Steve managed to choke out.

"Australian Secret Intelligence Service," Natasha replied in a soft voice. Steve glanced at her, finding her face almost unreadable. Her fingers slipped from his arm and he wondered if she knew what had happened to Aurora after she'd disappeared almost 2 years earlier.

"You know her?" Rumlow asked, his grin widening. "I trained Rory myself at ASIS. She was the leader of their STRIKE unit but she was asked to come back to SHIELD," he explained and Steve had to turn away.

The familiarity of which he spoke about her cut through him too easily.

"By who?" he asked, hoping to high hell it wasn't Fury who had asked her back. He'd probably lose his mind if Fury had found her and had said nothing.

"Alexander Pierce. He got a hold of her file and realized what we'd let go," Rumlow replied and Steve let out a breath.

He had grieved for her after she'd left. Searched for months, even though he was told to stop on many occasions he just plain and simple couldn't. He hated Aurora for what she'd done to him and her family. It had been 2 years almost to the day that she'd been gone. Maggie had had a little girl and was expecting again, Tim had retired from the military and had moved back to Boston, Dumdum had rejoined SHIELD and Peggy had joined the department of veterans' affairs to oversee the military's rehab program for returned soldiers.

But Aurora knew none of this because she was selfish and conceited and only thought about herself. He thought he would be ok if he saw her again – but he wasn't. He would never be just ok when it came to her. Not now and not ever.

He clenched his fists and turned back, relieved that her image was gone. He sucked in a deep breath and started giving orders.

"Rumlow you sweep fast, find the hostages, get them to the rescue pods and get them out. Nat, engine room. I'll take Batroc." He gestured between himself and Natasha, pulling his thoughts together. Aurora was a thread he didn't want to pull right now. He needed to concentrate on the mission at hand. He wasn't going to lose one single hostage that night.

"STRIKE, you heard the Captain, gear up," Rumlow ordered his crew in a loud voice as Steve turned away and headed for his gear. "Let's go get our girl back."

Steve didn't say anything until Natasha was right beside him.

"Secure channel seven."

"Seven secure."

"Did you know she was back?" he asked in a low voice. He didn't want to look at his friend incase he saw the lie but he looked anyway and found her face unreadable. Her jaw ticking rhythmically as she clenched and unclenched her jaw was the only sign she was as shaken as he was.

"No. I swear I had no idea," Natasha answered him quickly and Steve believed her. Aurora had been a friend to Natasha once upon a time. It had hit the Russian just as hard when she'd left without a trace. It had hit them all hard.

"Did you know she was working for ASIS?" He kept his eyes on his gear. He couldn't bear to look anywhere else incase Natasha caught the look in his eye. He knew he had the look of a broken man, a look that he'd tried so hard to lose over the last 2 years but wasn't sure he would ever accomplished that. The Widow had pulled him back from the edge, literally and metaphorically, only once and Steve vowed never to go back there again. For his sake and hers.

"I'd heard rumors that they had someone new on their team, someone who went by the alias of The Southern Cross. I had wondered if our Northern Lights had become her but the things I hear about her are deadly," Natasha said in a low voice. She glanced at Steve and Steve caught her green eyed stare. "Red Room deadly. I didn't think it could be her. I heard the Australian's were Hydra in disguise. It's easy to do whatever you want when you're the bottom of the world... But if Rory was there then no… I don't want to believe it."

Steve didn't say anything to that. Instead he just mulled over Natasha's words. She'd left SHIELD and had become an assassin. He doubted she'd join Hydra, refused to believe it actually, but he'd believe the assassin part. Aurora had always had a deadly stubborn streak when pushed. The kind of mentality that if someone said 'you can't'. She'd say 'watch me'.

However, the memory of a Hydra base takedown in Papua New Guinea flashed through his mind. He had been so damn sure he'd seen her. She'd helped him, kissed him, run away from him. He felt sick to think that he might have pushed her to Hydra. That she had run right into their arms, angry and betrayed and had made the mistake of her life.

"You doin' anything fun Saturday night?" Natasha asked after a few beats of silence and he knew she was changing the subject on him. He knew she was trying to pull his head out of a dark place right before a mission and he appreciated that. He needed to focus on this mission if they wanted to get in and out with no causalities. They'd talk about this later.

"Well, all the guys in my barbershop quartet at dead, so no, not really," he replied dryly, watching as she smirked at his response. He punched the hanger door button and listened to the sounds of the world outside rush in toward them. It was dark and cold and he knew there was an ocean somewhere down below. His heartbeat thudded in his chest again and this time it was with the thrill of the mission.

"You know, if you asked Kristen out, from Statistics, she'd probably say yes," Nat added and he let out a quiet sigh. He didn't want Kristen from Statistics. He wanted a reinstated SHIELD agent who was currently a hostage on the ship below.

"That's why I don't ask," he said, his voice loud over the noise of the wind. He buckled his helmet.

"Too shy or too scared?" Natasha's voice was faint as he stepped to the edge of the ramp.

He flipped his shield to his back. He was neither of those. He just wasn't interested. He hadn't been since she left because as much as he hated her for leaving, he still loved her. No one else would ever compare to her.

"Too busy," he called over his shoulder before he recklessly jumped headfirst into the cold, dark night without a second thought.


Rory Dugan watched a mercenary stalk past her for the third time, listening as he spouted off threats and profanity in French. Things were getting a little tense on the satellite launch ship. After the ship had been hijacked, everyone on board – crew and agents – had been tied up and thrown in the galley with no other word on what was going to happen to them.

The woman beside Rory was sobbing quietly and she wondered exactly when Fury was going to send in his backup. These people weren't field operatives. They had basic training but that was it. They all had families that they needed to get back to, lives they had to live. They were normal people, going about their jobs. Nothing about them screamed combat and none of them were equipped to fight back.

So naturally, they were terrified.

She'd known from the start that the pirates would take over the ship. Fury had been the one to hire them. It was why she hadn't fought back when they'd stormed the ship, telling Jasper that there was just too many of them for her to take and it would be safer for all to just go with what they wanted. Jasper had bought the lie thankfully, but now time was running out and she didn't have a backup plan.

"I have a bullet for someone…" The merc snarled like a caged lion and Rory's eyes tracked him again. "You want a bullet in your head?" he snapped in English. He kicked a tech's boot. "Move that boot – you want a bullet in your head?"

"Do you think SHIELD has sent anyone yet?" she asked out of the corner of her mouth.

"Hopefully," Jasper replied, glancing at her with a blank face.

Jasper Sitwell had been her close friend once and she'd trusted him with her life, until he'd admitted to her that he was Hydra and that she should join him on the metaphorical dark side.

She'd taken the bait of course. It had been part of her mission to infiltrate Hydra as a double agent but the shock of Jasper lying to her for all those years still stung like hell and made her slightly more bitter at the thought of how many of her other friends might possibly be lying to her. Lies, it seemed, had been apart of her life more than she realized. It was that thought alone that reminded her why she'd left her life behind and taken the double agent gig.

"Well hopefully isn't good enough," she hissed at him, her brow furrowing.

"Shut up." Another merc caught them talking and he screamed at them, stalking over to stand above them. "You want to be a hero? Is that it?" he asked.

Rory looked up at him, her eyes catching his in a level, fearless gaze.

"A hero is better than a pirate," she replied through her teeth. He lifted his boot, ready to aim squarely for her jaw when the first merc spoke again.

"All right, we've waited long enough." He went to the door and banged on it with a closed fist. "Hey, find Batroc. If I don't hear anything in 2 minutes, I'll start killing them."

There was a reply from the other side of the door and Aurora shifted uneasily. 2 minutes. She had 2 minutes to figure out a way out of this mess or people would start to die.

Behind her, her hands worked furiously to get through the plastic ties around her wrist. Her skin was peeling and bleeding but she clenched her teeth through the pain as she popped her thumb from its socket to hopefully slide it through the ties.

"Did you see that?" Jasper murmured to her and she glanced up in time to see a black helmet and goggles disappear from view at the small window. She grinned when she realized help was finally there.

"STRIKE?" she questioned, knowing that they would be aided by the Black Widow. Natasha was going to be her point of contact in about 10 minutes to retrieve data off the ship as per Fury's request and she would make it… as long as she made it through the next 60 seconds.

"Probably. I can hardly see your ever faithful German Shepard leaving you behind." Jasper gave an eyeroll and Rory nudged him, her wrist popping free with the movement.

I'd hardly call him mine," she hissed, shaking her head and breathing through her nose as pain shot up her arm.

"Bullshit," Jasper huffed.

He was talking about Brock Rumlow, her trainer, mentor and leader of SHIELD's STRIKE unit. They'd become close in the year and a bit he'd been training her in Australia. She wanted to say it was purely for her mission – get close to the all-powerful leader and learn more secrets – but she did like his company. He was a jackass at times but she wasn't exactly the nicest person either. She dealt with it though, went along with whatever the hell they were because at the end of the day, this was her mission and she'd do anything for it.

She'd lost too much to not commit.

"Time is up," the first merc called out and Rory looked around to see where he was. "Who dies first?"

"This one." A boot connected with her shoulder, jolting her hands together hard enough that her thumb popped back in with a snap. She hissed and glared up at him, wishing they hadn't stripped her of her weapons when they'd cornered her in the galley.

"It must be my lucky day." She rolled her eyes, blowing some blonde hair out of her eyes.

"You're a mouthy little American, aren't you?" he sneered at her, bending down so he was eyelevel with her. "Tell me, why are you dressed differently to them? Do you not work for them?"

She looked from her uniform and back, holding his gaze. He was observant, she'd give him that much. Her tactical uniform was slightly different to the tech uniforms and she had a Southern Cross constellation embroidered down her bicep. She had kept her ASIS alias when she rejoined SHIELD because Northern Lights had nothing left for her except bad memories. The Southern Cross had been the birth of something new and something deadly, determination turning her into something she never dreamed she'd become:

Free.

Free from lies and deceit. Free from the shadow of a woman who had been big shoes to fill, of a man who's name was half the reason for her success, and a lover who had been her everything.

Rory was her own person now. Her skills were a reflection of herself and not just her family. The Southern Cross reflected that better than any other codename could.

"I'm just a different department," she lied as he crouched in front of her, his face closing in on hers.

"And what department is that?" he asked, his hands coming to rest on her knees.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you…" Jasper said, watching Rory's eyes narrow. The pirate turned to him, raising an eyebrow.

"And why not?"

Shots fired around the galley as S.T.R.I.K.E moved together as one, tearing the place apart in a matter of seconds.

"I'm one of them," she growled at him, grabbing the pirate by the ears in the mayhem caused by the gunfire. She yanked him forward, slamming his face into her knees, and she grinned as she felt the sickening crunch of his nose breaking against them. She threw him to the side in an unconscious heap.

The last pirate fell at her feet as the door burst open and Brock Rumlow strode in, the rest of his team in tow.

"I told you: SHIELD doesn't negotiate," Jasper deadpanned. Rory laughed and sat forward, taking the knife from the pirate's gear to cut through her ties around her ankles.

"So you had your hands free but you waited for me to save you?" Brock's voice had Rory grinning and she looked up as he stood over her.

"I got them free as you guys stormed the place." She rolled her eyes, reaching over to cut Jasper's ties too. "You took too long."

"Typical that I seem to be saving your ass again." Brock chuckled as he held a hand out for her. She took it, rising to her feet gracefully. He looked down and frowned when he saw the blood around her wrists. The scrapes were already healing thanks to the serum that ran through her veins. It wouldn't be long before there were no marks at all

"Oh I'm sorry I think our last count was 7-6 to me, fuck you very much," she replied, tugging her hand from his before he could comment. Tucking some hair over her ear, she looked down at the unconscious pirate with a sneer

"7-7. I just evened the score, Cupcake." Brock nudged her and she shook her head, rolling her eyes but knowing he was right. His hand brushed her shoulders, too brief for anyone else to notice but she felt it, the intimacy and his worry all conveyed in that movement.

"Oh sure, I guess I'll pay that." She smiled, kissing his cheek. His hands caught her around the hips and he studied her intently, trying to find any more damage done by the pirates. She looked up at him, reaching up to guide his eyes back to hers.

"I'm fine," she said softly and he grinned.

"I know. Just making sure." He winked and then he let her go.

Despite being Hydra, he wasn't a bad person. A little unhinged at times but Rory really couldn't judge him for that. He had a temper that matched her own and when they fought, it was brutal… but he did care about her. In his own way.

It helped that he was the complete opposite to Steve. Made moving on easier… even if moving on was all part of a bigger plan.

She moved away, searching for the pirate who had stripped her of her weapons and when she found him, she distracted herself by strapping her blades and guns back to where they should be.

Rory loved her blades. She had 6 all up and although she was still a great marksman, there was something intimate about the flash of a blade that got her heart racing. They were unique to her now; something her old self wouldn't have touched and they were something of her trademark.

Once they were all secured to her body, she helped Brock free the technicians and ready them for the evac teams that would be arriving within minutes.

"Romanoff missed her rendezvous point," Brock said to her in a low voice as they walked through the ship. He gave her a meaningful look and Rory nodded.

"You think she knows something?" she asked, acting like she was suspicious of the woman she was meant to meet in the control room of the ship.

"Go and find out," he ordered and she nodded, splitting from the group and heading down a corridor to her left. She pulled up the ships schematics on her wrist and followed the arrow to where she needed to be. Moving quickly, she knew time wasn't going to be on her side. It would take more than a few minutes to load the entire hard drive of the ship onto the USB in her pocket and if she took too long someone would come looking for her. If someone came looking for her, her cover would be blown right open, which would be impossibly bad so late in the game.

The sounds of a fight met her ears as she rounded a corner and she skidded to a stop, pressing her back into the cold metal of the ship wall. The lights flooded the deck and shadows danced along it toward her. She drew a knife and crept forward slowly to investigate.

Her breath caught in her throat and her eyes stung when her eyes found the source of the noise.

Two men were fighting on the deck; one a short and stocky French pirate and the other a tall and board Captain who she never thought she'd see again.

He wasn't supposed to be here. Captain America was not supposed to be on this boat. Or was it someone else? The suit was different, a stealthier, navy-blue version of the classic red, white and blue; but she'd knew that shoulder to waist ratio anywhere. It was Steve. There was no one else it could be.

Time froze entirely as she watched Steve and Batroc fight. He moved effortlessly, like he always had ducking, weaving and throwing deadly punches as he fought. Emotions swarmed inside her – pain, hate, love, loss. She'd loved him with all her heart once and he'd lied to her breaking it into pieces small enough that they never quite healed.

She clenched her teeth as he removed his helmet, hearing the simple French spill from his lips. She remembered what it was like to hear him speak like that to her and it made her stomach churn. He was as beautiful as he'd ever been; the cut and powerful jaw and the sweat slicked hair reminded her about why she's been attracted to him in the first place. That seemed like a lifetime ago. Her heart thudded rapidly in her chest as he attached his SHIELD to his back and went in for the most brutal hand-to-hand she'd ever seen.

His hits landed harder and there was a moment there where a look crossed his face that Rory had never seen there before. He looked like he wanted to kill, which was so far out of the person she remembered that she was surprised. Her fingers ran across the scar that ran from one side of her throat to the other absently, remembering how he'd beat himself up so often for killing the man who'd tortured her – even though he'd deserved it.

Steve hadn't ever been a killer, that wasn't what he stood for. He had always been so conscious to reign in his punches, yet the ones he was landing on Batroc were unlike anything she'd ever seen from him before and she wondered what had happened to him while she'd been away.

You did that to him a small voice in her mind told her, you shattered him when you left, it teased but she pushed it back. She had more important things to worry about than him and she shook herself, getting her mind back on track.

She used his distraction to slip past and into the main control hub of the ship where she found Natasha Romanoff hunched over the keyboard. The redhead looked up, surprise lacing her features as she took in every inch of her old friend.

"You're my contact?" The Russian asked as Rory stalked toward her.

"Come now, is that any way to greet a friend, Agent Romanoff?" She smirked, stopping beside the Russian.

Natasha shrugged.

"Not sure if we're still even that," the assassin replied coolly and Rory mentally winced. She'd burned a hell of a lot of bridges when she'd taken Fury's mission. Some of them she wasn't happy about. "Friend's call other friends when they skip town and become assassins."

"That's fair," she replied softly. Natasha's green eyes studied her for a moment and Rory let them, not hiding anything from the Widow. "Fury didn't tell you, huh?" Rory asked and Natasha shrugged again.

"Fury tells me what I need to know. If he kept it from me, he would have had a reason." She replied. Rory nodded and looked at the monitor lighting up the room in front of them. PASSWORD flashed at them on the screen.

"You need any help?" she asked and, without waiting for a reply, she placed her hands on the keyboard to grant Natasha access to what she needed.

She felt Natasha's green eyes on her but she took a step back and allowed Rory to access the hidden main frame that protected the secrets the Lumarian Star held. The silence was palpable and Rory was sure she could have cut it with one of her knives.

"You've been busy while you've been away," Natasha said in a low voice, leaning her palms on the dash beside Rory. "I'd heard stories of the Australian's new toy… never guessed it was you. There were even rumors that The Southern Cross belonged to Hydra?" The question was evident in her tone but Rory ducked around it.

"Well you know me, Romanoff; get told you can't and I deliver 'can' in spades." She smiled thinly; silently pleased her reputation had made it as far back as Natasha. She'd worked hard to build the name for herself and it had paid off.

"Those spades cost you a lot," her old friend replied casually and Rory glanced at her. "Was it worth it?"

"It will be. Eventually." She nodded, wishing she could tell her old mentor more. But she didn't, because she could and because the door burst open at that exact moment and she turned in shock.

"Oh well, this is awkward," Natasha said from beside her, gaining Steve's attention. For the first time in a long time, Rory didn't know how to act. She didn't know what to do because for the first time in a long time, she was seeing him.

Her heart was in her mouth as Steve slowly rose from where he'd tackled Batroc through the door.

"What are you doing?" Steve demanded, his eyes falling on Rory. Recognition sparked in his features in the next second as their eyes met. The feeling was comparable to fainting; her vision blackened around the edges and her heart jumped painfully behind her ribs. Her mouth was dry. Her breath left her body and didn't return for several long seconds. She felt sick so she turned back to the computer quickly, hoping he would ignore her like she planned to ignore him.

She had been so sure she would hate him on sight whenever she saw him again. She'd thought about it a million times, all of those fantasies ending with her triumphantly telling him to go to hell… but she felt the opposite. After everything that had happened, the only thing she felt for him was a longing, a sense of nostalgia that was more painful than she could have imagined.

The emotions hit her like a tidal wave, threatening to drag her under, and her fingers stumbled on the keys. The computer gave a loud beep in protest and she cleared her throat.

"We're backing up the hard drive, it's a good habit to get into," Natasha answered Steve's question as he moved closer.

"But Rumlow needed your help, what the hell are you doing here?" he demanded. He was close enough to smell now, the familiarity of his leather suit mixed with the faint tang of sweat tickling Rory's senses. She swallowed hard, keeping her eyes forward. He paused, his eyes scanning the screens in front of them. "You're saving SHIELD intel." He figured out, his voice right by her ear.

"Anything I can get my hands on," Natasha agreed. "With some help." She elbowed Rory, smirking when she met her eye. It felt like old times for a moment again and Rory treasured that feeling.

"Our mission was to rescue hostages," Steve snapped in a frustrated voice. Natasha gave a small sigh, the moment gone.

"No, that's your mission," Natasha replied and the computer beeped. Rory reached around Steve and pulled the USB from the port before handing it to Natasha. "And you've done it beautifully."

Rory stepped away but was stopped by Steve's hand around her arm. She glanced up at him, her eyes flashing with annoyance and found him glaring at Natasha.

"You just jeopardized this whole mission," he growled at Natasha. He looked down at her, the fury in his eyes cutting through her. "And you," he hissed, his gripped tightening as he pulled her closer. "What the hell are you doing here, Aurora?"

"It's Rory and I'm doing my job," she hissed, physically flinching away from his voice, fighting every fiber of her being to not pull a blade on him. He was crowding into her space and she met his hot gaze with equal intensity. "Do you mind giving me a little space, Captain?"

"Not really. Last time I did that, I never heard from you again," he shot back, making her lip curl in a sneer.

"Don't think you're going to hear from me after right now, either," she replied tersely. "Like I said, I'm here for my job. The one you said I couldn't do. Now let me go."

His frown deepened but he didn't back off. If anything he got closer, his grip tight enough around her arm that it was making her fingers tingle.

"Oh that's right, you ran away and became an assassin," he stated, ignoring her request. She could smell the leather of his suit and the sweat on his brow, mingled with the ever-familiar CK Eternity that he always wore. It made her sick how much she still loved that smell. "That's how you prove to me you're ok? By killing people?" he hissed, his fingers flexing and clenching as he restrained himself.

Her jaw clenched painfully and she looked away from him.

"What I do with my life is none of your concern." She said hotly. "Now kindly get your hand off me before I remove it." Her free hand went to the dagger strapped to her hip and he looked down. His eyebrow twitched in a question.

"What are you and Sitwell doing on a launch ship, Aurora?" he asked in a low voice. Her grip tightened on the hilt and she heard Natasha shift behind her.

"Classified," she replied. "And don't call me that. I hate that name," she hissed through gritted teeth, trying to shake his hand to no avail. She hated the name Aurora now. She never went by it. He had been the only person who had ever called her that anyway and she didn't want to remember that. "Let me go, Captain," she murmured, her fingers itching to pull the weapon. Nothing good would come of it if she did but she was fairly sure she could take him. Natasha though? Not so much and the Widow would definitely side with Steve.

"No we need to –"

His words were cut off as Batroc leapt to his feet and threw a grenade in their direction. Rory barely had time to register what was happening when Steve's arms circled her waist and he hoisted her up onto his hip. She saw the window he was aiming for and grabbed her gun, shooting it out seconds before he jumped them through it to take cover behind the wall.

The bomb exploded as she and Steve landed in a tangle of limbs on the other side of the wall. He crowded over her, his body and shield protecting her from the falling debris. She coughed from the dust, her ears ringing loudly as she pushed on his chest. She tried to scramble to her feet but his arm was still round her waist, holding her under him.

Rory struggled to breath. All at once, everything flooded back and pain ripped through her body like it was happening for the first time. She needed to get away from him. It was too much. Memories of what they'd once had were flooding back into her mind and she couldn't handle it. She hated him. Hated that he'd lied. Hated that he'd tried to control her life. Hated that she still loved him with everything she had. But she couldn't love him anymore.

She felt like she was being strangled, her throat was closed tightly over and her eyes and nose all stung as she fought back the fit of tears that threatened to erupt.

"Let me go. Let. Me… go." Her voice didn't sound like hers as panic crept up. She couldn't believe she was panicking at the sight, smell, sound and feel of him. She thought she would be stronger than this. She thought she would be better than this. She was wrong. So very wrong and she wished she'd never come back.

He released her immediately, rolling to his side. She wasted no time in getting to her feet, making for the door. Brock would have heard the explosion and would be running to find her… it was only a matter of time before he found her.

Steve was behind her after a half second, his footsteps heavy on the metal deck. Rory kept her eyes forward, focusing on getting to the boats.

"Are you ok?" Steve asked her in a quiet voice. "Have you been ok?"

"Fine," she replied over her shoulder, not wanting to stick around to talk to him any longer than she had to. She glanced at him and found him waiting for more. "For a woman who lost a baby and had her fiance lie about it, I did remarkably well," she added, enjoying the way his expression crumpled.

It was a low blow, she knew. She was well aware that she hadn't been the only one who'd lost a child, but she hadn't been the one to lie about it. She'd spent two years trying to get over what had happened, two years of hating him with every fiber of her being and focusing solely on her work and it was coming apart in front of her very eyes.

"You're limping," Steve pointed out as she walked. "And bleeding."

"I knocked my hip when I landed. I'm fine," she snapped, clenching her fists. They rounded a corner and she could hear Brock barking instructions to the other STRIKE members.

"So you're back? For good?" Steve asked, grabbing her arm again. His touch was gentler this time but she snatched her arm from his grip like he'd burned her.

"Don't touch me!" Rory snarled and he recoiled. Satisfaction burned in her gut and she loosed a breath. "I'm back but I'm not back for you or anyone else. I'm back for my job and that alone," she said.

"Right."

She knew that tone. She was hurting him and it felt good. She didn't know when she'd turned into a vindictive person but she figured it was probably about the time she realized she would never fully be done him.

"Jesus Christ, Cupcake!" Brock called along the deck as he and Rollins rounded the corner in search of her. "I said retrieve her, not blow her up!"

"Well you know me, Hotstuff, can never do things by halves." She grinned, turning away from Steve. Making a beeline for Brock, she let him snake an arm around her waist and pull her in close.

Steve stood behind them, watching the interaction between Brock and herself with keen eyes and she knew confused jealousy would be swirling there if she chose to look.

"Where's Romanoff?" he asked, peering down at her to check for injuries again. He brought his fingers up to stroke alone her jaw, tilting her head up to examine a scrape she'd received in the blast. When he was satisfied that she was ok again, he leant in to kiss her.

Rory's spine stiffened, acutely aware that Steve was watching them.

"Taking care of Batroc," Steve said in a short voice, interrupting the kiss before it could happen. Brock looked up, grinning easily at him.

"Great." Brock nodded. "We should get this show on the road then, huh Cap?"

Rory dared at look at Steve and wasn't surprised to find him looking at her. She leant a little further into Brock's side and watched his expression turn dark.

"Thanks for the hand back there, Captain," she said in a contented voice, dripping with thinly veiled sarcasm. "I guess the shield really does come in handy."

"My pleasure, ma'am," he responded nodding his head. His jaw ticked rapidly and she had to turn away from him, leaning into Brock's body before her resolve fell and the tears that had been burning her eyes since the start spilled over.

She loved him. Goddamned loved him, still, after everything he'd done to her. She'd known coming back would be a mistake the moment Brock had told her they wanted her here. She'd known she wouldn't have been able to avoid Steve for long but she hadn't expected to see him after only a day.

She was a mess. An even bigger one than when she'd left and it was still entirely his fault.

She climbed aboard the quinjet that had arrived for the team and sat silently between Rumlow and Rollins, staring straight ahead as Rumlow debriefed everyone on the mission. Steve and Natasha sat across from her, both watching her with keen eyes but she closed hers, listening to Brock talk. It felt like only a minute had passed when she heard Natasha speak.

"You know you broke his heart, right?" The Widow's voice came at her and when Rory opened her eyes she found the area empty, STRIKE team finding places to sit in the front of the plane. Steve was nowhere in sight and she didn't know if she was happy or saddened by this.

"He broke mine," she replied in a thick voice.

She was glad she'd broken his heart by leaving. Glad she'd hurt him some how. She turned her head, meeting Natasha's green-eyed stare easily.

"What he did wasn't right but neither is what you did." Natasha joined her, both women facing out. "You left all of us, Rory. Without a damned word –"

"Oh you can't tell me you never ran from Clint," Rory snapped, glaring at her friend. She ignored what Natasha had said about the rest of her friends, not wanting to take that path right now. She would never be able to be friends with them again as long as she was Hydra. The suspicion could damage her mission too easily. It wasn't worth the risk. She had to complete what she'd started and then try and rebuild. It wouldn't ever be the same but it would be something.

"Oh all the time. But Clint isn't Steve. Clint never loved me like Steve loves you." The Widow's voice was throaty and Rory glanced at her. She'd missed Natasha like she'd missed her own sister, especially when she'd started her training and her missions in Australia. There had been so much the Widow could have told her, so much Natasha could have helped her with and helped her avoid… but she hadn't been able to risk it. She had to let Hydra think she was well and truly done with SHIELD.

Even now, she wanted to hug her friend, tell her she was sorry and then tell her everything but she couldn't. She'd come way too far to fuck the mission up because she got sentimental.

"Clint never lied to you about losing a child."

"No." Natasha shook her head, turning to meet Rory's eyes. "He didn't. But I lost one anyway, not Clint's, but I know that never leaves a person – man or woman."

Rory turned back to the front, surreptitiously wiping her eye as a stray tear fell. She didn't want to go down this path either. That was the path that would ruin her if given the chance.

"Well I'm glad he had you to get through it." Rory nodded curtly. "Excuse me. I need to report to my commander." She cleared her throat and pushed off the seat.

"Commander? Or lover?" Natasha asked and Rory glanced at her, not wanting to believe the judgment in Natasha's tone.

"Does it matter?" she asked, her jaw tightening. She turned away as Natasha shrugged lightly.

"I don't know what you're up to Aurora, but I hope you're being smart about it." Natasha's voice followed her as she walked away. Rory glanced at her over her shoulder.

"I'll let you know how it goes… and it's Rory, if you wouldn't mind. Aurora died a while ago," she murmured softly, turning away from her friend to find Brock.

She was so far over her head and she felt like she was drowning. Steve and Natasha were two very big waves she hadn't been expecting so early in her return and she honestly didn't know how her mission was going.

She was a SHIELD agent working for Hydra who was working for SHIELD. She was digging deeper and deeper all while trying not to be caught because she would surely die if she were. She had to trust her gut and trust that Nick Fury had an out for her if she needed it. Something big was coming she just didn't have enough to say what yet. She hoped that the information that Natasha had on that USB would be enough to blow everything wide open and she'd be safe for the first time in a long, long time.


Author's Note:

Well, here we are. 4th of July again and another Rory and Steve story. Jumping straight into the action, no sense in delayingt he inevitable. I hope this ties up what happened in the last one. I'm sure having fun writing it. Buckle up and I hope you're on for another long ride! Please let me know what you think, I really enjoy reading (polite) comments and criticism.

You will need to read the first one to make any sense of this.

Playlist:

One Woman Army - Little Minx

I Hate U, I Love U - gnash (feat. Olivia O'Brien)

Neptune - Sleeping at Last