TW: Suicide, Depression
Beca watches Chloe and Aubrey, sitting on the couch, laughing, showing each other photos and videos on their phones. She watches as they talk and whisper and get wrapped up in their own little world, forgetting that Beca is there too. And Beca tries to figure out how to be a part of that, but she doesn't know how.
And so it goes like it always does, Beca just sits there and watches, she has nothing left to say, and it seems neither do they, at least not to Beca.
"I worry about you," Chloe says to Beca.
Beca nods. "I know."
"Talk to me, Becs," Chloe says.
"I want to," Beca says, "but I can't."
Beca doesn't know how to explain what goes on in her mind. How do you tell somebody who cares about you that you want to die? And even though the thoughts of different ways she could kill herself go through her mind all the time, she's only ever tried twice. Both times before she'd ever known Chloe or Aubrey or any of the Bellas. And even then, she'd had her best friend Olivia.
Because sure, Beca wants to die, but Beca knows there are people who care about her. Chloe. Aubrey. Olivia. Stacie. Jesse. Her parents. And she doesn't want to hurt those people. And her death, or even the mention of her death, would hurt them. So she tries to be happy. She puts on a smile, and some days she can almost convince herself she's okay.
But she can't talk to Chloe or anyone else about it. She doesn't know how.
"How are you, really?" Aubrey asks.
Beca shrugs non-committedly. "Alright," she says.
"Why just alright?" Aubrey asks.
Beca doesn't have an answer for her. She would have told her that everything's fine and she's good, but Aubrey would have seen right through her. To be fair, she's not okay by any standards, but there's no need to cause Aubrey to worry more than she already does.
Chloe and Aubrey have come to the radio station to visit Beca at work. There are things Beca still has to do, but for the most part, she tries to hang out with Chloe and Aubrey when they come to her workplace. But Chloe and Aubrey tend to just talk to each other when they visit Beca at work, which makes Beca wonder why they even bother coming in the first place.
They're showing each other pictures on their phones, and at first, Beca tries to join in, but after a few minutes, where they look uninterestedly at whatever photo Beca tries to show them, and go back to showing each other photos, Beca backs off and goes back to working.
This is part of the reason why she can't talk to them about any of this. It would kill them to know that they're part of the reason why she feels this way sometimes.
Beca looks at the pictures. Everybody seems so close, and then there's Beca. Always on the outside. Never as close to anybody as everybody else is, but never for a lack of trying. She wonders sometimes if the only reason she's even in any of the pictures is because none of them have the heart to tell her they don't want her there.
Beca stares at the pills in the bottle on the counter. The ones that are supposed to help her feel better. They don't. They never do. And they've tried her on countless different medications. None of them have ever helped.
She's never been great with pills, so she puts three in her hand, and chases it with a swig from the bottle of Smirnoff in her other hand. Three more. Smirnoff. Three more. Smirnoff. Three more and Smirnoff until the pills are all gone. She searches the place for any other medications she could take. She finds her old muscle relaxants and follows the same regiment. Tylenol. Advil. Any other pill she can find. Then she finishes what she can find in alcohol and lets sleep take her.
