Mami defeats Gertrud while shouting: Unlimited Musket Works! Curse Word!

Mami: You know Kubey, even though I almost died today, I had a lot of fun with you.

Kubey: Oh, you poor girl. You really need to make some friends. But first, cheeseburgers! (laugh track)

(Puella Magi Madoka Magica Opening)

We are in a post apocalyptic building, a pink haired girl is running through it like a ninny.

Madoka:(huffpuffing)I knew I shouldn't have played Silent Hill right after going to that M C Escher Gallery!

Madoka sees door: Ooo! Clearly marked exit.

Madoka entering Witch Labyrinth Thingy: Oh cool, cut scene.

Madoka: Oh, I think I missed the save prompt.

Kubey: Uh, you know its not safe out here, right?

Madoka Turns to face strange plush: Oh hi, are you the save prompt?

Kubey: Um, no.

Madoka: Shoot I must have missed it earlier. Hey is that girl getting crushed by a building?

Homura gets hit by building: (monotone) Ow.

Kubey: Looks like it.

Both are quiet for a bit.

Madoka: Should I do something?

Kubey: Well the only thing you can do to help is make a contract with me. But you should really know the details first, so its better that you not become a magical girl. Even though I could grant any wish that you wanted. Any. At all.

Madoka: You can grant any wish?

Kubey: Yep, you could ... wait what were we talking about? I've been forgetting things a lot lately... almost like someone made a time traveling wish and sent the ill effects onto me.

Madoka: Yeah... moving on. You were going to make me a goddess of all existence.

Kubey: Huh? Really?

Madoka: Yes, now stop asking questions and do it you adorable abomination.

Kyubey: Sure thing! Godhood coming up.

Madoka: My greatest dream is coming true. If this was an anime this would the best ending evars!

Homura: No! You are ruining everything!

Madoka wakes up: Huh? Aw, what a great dream.

Madoka in the bathroom with her mom Momoka

Momoka: You know, I told you not to play Silent Hill after going to that M. C. Escher gallery.

Madoka: I know...

Madoka on her way to school: Oh Hi Sayka. Who's your friend?

Sayaka: This is Hitomi, she is totally awesome!

Hitomi: I'm just waiting till you two get boyfriends, then I'll steal them from you, breaking your hearts into a thousand pieces. You two will bring me up to thirty.

Madoka: Wow Sayaka, she's a slut.

Hitomi starts waving her finger at Madoka: Now, now. No shaming words. I am a bitch.

Madoka: How is me calling you a bitch not shaming?

Sayaka: Dogs are awesome!

Madoka: Point taken.

Hitomi: Ahem, we should be going. Hearts won't break themselves.

Sayaka: Isn't she awesome Madoka?!

Madoka: Didn't you hear what she just said?

Sayaka: Something about doggies?

Madoka: (quiet)

Hitomi: Heh, too easy.

Madoka is in class with her dumb friend and slutty bitch.

Teacher: All righty, time to introduce the new transfer student Ms Homura Akemi!

Homura walks in with her hair billowing n the breeze: Epic entrance...

Teacher: Now I shall comically misspell your name.

Homura: Now I shall comically correct you.

Teacher: Okay class, I just got tenure so I shall have Ms. Akemi lead class today. Peace!

Teacher leaves the room.

Homura at the board: so we divide the pi by the square root of the imaginary number than multiply by the hypotenuse of the cube of the parabola...

Student: I think she's making stuff up.

Madoka: You just go that?

Cafeteria

Student girl: You're new so you're cool.

Student 2 speaking like valley girl: I, like, love your, like, uber mysterious monotone... like.

Homura: I'm sorry I'm allergic to valley girls.

Homura walks up to Madoka: You have pink hair, so that must mean you are a nurse's aid. Take me to the nurse's office, Nurse Joy.

Madoka: Actually student girl number two is the nurse's aid. Though I understand how you mistook me for the aid. It happens a lot.

Homura: Walk with me.

Madoka: Ooookay.

Homura and Madoka start walking through the school.

Homura: walk, walk, walk, walk...

Madoka: You certainly seem to know where you are going.

Homura: I just like walking around halls randomly.

Madoka: Oh...

Homura stops and turns to Madoka: (to herself) Epic turn. (To Madoka) Madoka Kaneme, do you value the life you have now?

Madoka: Wha? Uh, yeah sure. I mean I have a few complaints, but who doesn't. I mean no one's life is perfe-

Homura: Whatever, just don't sell your soul away. Unless its for something extra juicy. (swerve away) 'Kay, Bye.

Madoka: Wow... what a freak.

Madoka at a fast food place: So Sayaka, what do you think of the new transfer student?

Hitomi: Why aren't you asking me what I think?

Madoka: (quiet)

Hitomi: (quiet)

Madoka: So Sayaka what do you think of the new transfer student?

Sayka: Ug! She is so not awesome! What does she think? Acting like some kind of weird transfer student is moe or something?

Flashes to Homura looking in a mirror with her shaky glasses: I'm so Moe!

Flashes back to Sayka: It makes me sick! (hits head on table)

Sound Effect: whap

Madoka is now in a music store, in a mall, somewhere in Japan. Presumably.

Madoka: Wow, you're right Sayaka. This music really speaks to me.

Kyubey: (telepathic) Help me...

Madoka: (gasp) Is this about when I illegally downloaded you last week? I'm sorry, I'll pay for this CD if it makes you feel better.

Kyubey: Actually I want you to come into the empty and poorly lit section in the mall where there won't be any witnesses.

Madoka: You want me, an underage girl, to go to into the empty and poorly lit section in the mall where there won't be any witnesses?

Kyubey: Yeppers~

Madoka shrugs: 'Kay. (to Sayaka) Hey, Sayaka, I think you're going to finally get a chance to use that taser.

Sayaka: Hooray! Zapping pedophiles is fun!

The two are now walking in the dark creepy section of the mall.

Madoka: Here I am, an under-aged girl who has no defenses against possible attackers!

Kyubey running up to them: Help!

Madoka: Dang it. You don't look like a pedophile.

Sayaka: Aw...

Homura walks up: Don't touch that creature.

Madoka: Why, is it some kind of Mephistopheles allusion that will try to steal my soul away with the illusion of wishes?

Homura: Uh... no. Now could you move a little to the left so I can shoot him and traumatize you for the remainder of the twelve episodes.

Madoka: What?

Homura: You know everyone loves a broken bird character. It'd give you some major moe points with our audience. They would just eat that up.

Sayaka: Hyah! Fire extinguisher!

Homura: Oh no fire extinguishers, my one true weakness.

Sayaka tosses extinguisher

Madoka and Sayaka escape

Homura in the background: Ow.

Sayaka sees Kyubey: What is that thing? Can I taze it?

Madoka: Probably not. Keep it handy just in case though.

Homura dramatically leaps out of the background: Fwoosh. (looks about vacantly) Oh, darn, where did they go? (gaspies) Oh no, the pringles men are coming.

Sayaka: Oh no, pringles men! We're gonna be assaulted! … Get it? Assaulted? You know, like salt and chip-

Madoka: We get it. Shut up Sayaka.

Pringles men: Once you pop the fun don't stop.

Madoka: Oh no! We entered into the product placement zone!

Sayaka: I don't even like chips!

Mami: Don't worry, I shall save you from this poorly conceived ad for a famous snack food.

Madoka and Sayaka: 'Kay.

Mami: Unlimited Musket Works! Curse words!

Pringles men: Retreat! Her catch phrase is cooler than ours!

Kyubey: Mami saved us, you should totally be her friends.

Madoka: Weren't you bleeding to death a second ago?

Kyubey: Oh right. Argh, it's so horrible.

Sayaka: Can I taze him now?

Madoka: Maybe.

Mami: Aw, Kyubey! Did you find me some friends? That's so sweet.

Homura: No, do not be friends with her Madoka.

Madoka: I'm not becoming anyone's friend! I don't even know what is going on here!

Mami: I'll be serving some cake at my house at four tomorrow.

Madoka: Friendship is awesome!

Homura: Curses, foiled by pastries. (to herself) Swerve... exit into shadows.

(Puella Magi Madoka Magica Ending Credits)