Choices are Forever, or Are They Really?
*All these Characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. I do not own any of these characters.
Chapter One: Thoughts and HIM
I can feel the wind in my hair; I can smell the ocean brime in the wind. I open my eyes and I see the cliff of La Push in front of me. I lean over the edge and inhale a breath. The ocean below me is churning violently and it almost makes me not want to jump but then I feel a hot hand on my back. I turn around and look into Jake s brown eyes. I smiled up at him and he smiles the smile he knows that I love.
He extends his hand towards me and I take it willingly. We move towards the edge of the cliff and he begins to jump. Suddenly, I can clearly see Edward s face in my head when I told him I choose Jake. It crumbles me to pieces; it makes me let go of Jake s hand and fall into the churning water below us. As I am falling through the air, Edward s face is in the forefront of my brain. I can clearly see the pain on his face as I tell him that I choose Jake and that he can leave. It breaks my heart but I love Jake and Jake loves me. Jake can give me everything that Edward can not give me and that s what I truly want. I hit the water and begin to sink further under the water. His image swims in front of my eyes and I begin to see blackness everywhere...
I jolt upright in my bed and almost fall out of it. Stone, cold hands grab me before I begin to fall off the bed. I look up into Edward s golden eyes and the guilt takes place in my heart. I just dreamed about what it would be like if I chose Jake instead of Edward. He smiles his crooked smile down at me and my stomach flips.
What s wrong my love? Edward asks me in his velvet voice. Nothing. I had a bad dream. I replied, avoiding his eyes. He puts his hand on my chin and pulls me to face him. He searches my face and I am worried about what he finds there.
What was it about may I ask? He asks, his eyes melting to make it look like honey.
No you may not. And, even if you did, I wouldn t tell you. I said, hoping he didn t notice how my voice shook as I said it.
It sounds as if it were a very bad dream. If I can t ask you what your dream was about, can I ask you why you don t want to tell me about it? That would only be fair. He replied, smiling the smile he knew would melt my heart.
Of course you can ask that. I don t want to tell you because you would be mad at me and rethink our latest agreement. I replied sheepishly. I tried to look down but he still held my chin in his hands. Again, his eyes searched my face and I guess they found what he wanted because he finally let my chin go. I looked down at my hands and I began to intertwine my hands together until he took both of my hands in his.
I could never be mad at you for anything you told me. I promise you that I will not get mad; you know you can tell me anything. I have never gotten mad at you for anything you have told me and I never will. Now that you know that, Please tell me what s wrong with my Bella before I go mad. He replied, with no hint of joking in his tone. I looked up at his expression and it was unreadable.
Fine . Before I start I want to clarify something. It isn t a very bad dream but I really don t want to tell you but I guess I have to . I said, hoping that he would stop me from saying anything else but he didn t, of course. So, I continued, I dreamed that I was standing on top of the cliffs in La Push with Jake. Before I jumped, your face popped into my head. But, it wasn t a very pleasant face. Apparently, I told you that I chose Jake instead of you. I also told you that I never wanted to see you ever again. Well . Is that all? Or is there more to this horrid dream that woke you up? He asked, with a hint of a smile in his tone.
No, that s all. I woke up because well I fell off the cliff as I clutched at my chest. It hurt me to tell you that but I uh .. loved Jake. I said, whispering the last two words.
Well, do you love him or is that just a dream? He asks. I can feel his arms wrap around my waist and they feel tense. I look up and meet his eyes. My eyes begin to tear up as I see the pain I saw in my dream on his face right now. You do love Jake, I tell myself. I bury my face in his chest to hide my tears. It s okay, Bella. I am not mad at you. I just want you to answer me.
Yes I love him . But I don t want to hurt you. I manage to sob out. I look up into his eyes and the pain has been replaced with a stone-cold mask.
I am going to be the bigger man and back down. I am not going to make you choose any longer. I know who you would choose if I made you choose; you would choose me. I am alright with this. Bella, just remember that I will always love and you will always be my life. He whispers in my ear. He slides off of my bed and begins to pull on his shoes. I bury my face in my pillow and begin to sob into my pillow. I hear the buttons of his phone beeping and I can also hear him whispering in the phone but he is talking too low for me to hear with my human ears. My thoughts automatically jumped to Jake. I thought about the joy he would feel when I told him that I choose him .
Bella? Are you okay? Please, don t be upset. I told you that I will be okay. You don t have to worry about me. He said, trying to reassure me but he only made it worse. I heard him walk across the room, but before he reached my bed there was a sound that made me jump. I quit breathing and began to think of all the things that could be there and then realized that there were no vampires come to get me outside my window; all of the bad vampires were dead.
Bella! Open the window! I heard Jake hiss. Happiness washed through me as I realized Jake was here. Then, the regret and guilt swept through me. I looked over at Edward and mouthed you called him. He shook his head yes, confirming me that he called Jake to come and comfort me instead of doing it himself. He walked over to my window and opened it. Jake slid in and walked over to me. He scooped me up in his arms and pulled me close. I relaxed into his chest and breathed in the scent of woods.
Bells, honey, what s wrong?
N...Nnn...Nothing, Jake. I need to tell you something. I replied, barely getting it out. I heard Edward open and close my door, giving Jake and I some privacy.
Well, what is it Bells? Come on, tell me please. Jacob whispers in my ear, letting his breath fan over my face.
I had a dream that I chose you instead of Edward. It woke me up and I told Edward. Then, I started to cry and I guess he called you. Now, you re here and I m explaining it to you. I said, barely above a whisper. I still felt guilty for choosing Jake but I know that this is the best for me. I love Jake to death and he loves me back. That is all that matters to me right now.
"So, why am I in here and he s out there? Jake asks. He sounds confused and I want to cry. I didn t have the strength to tell him that I chose him instead of Edward, so I just leaned forward and pressed my lips to his. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me so close I could barely breathe. He pulled us towards my bed and we fell backwards.
"Okay, we can t do this now. I said breathless. I look up into his eyes and his smile is genuine. I smile back at him as he leans down to kiss me on the lips. I smile up at him and he shines his white teeth at me. He chuckles and says,
"So, where is your bloodsucker?"
"Jake, really? I thought we were over the name calling?" I reply and then Edward jumps into my room through the open window. I can see Jake's jaw tighten and Edward's teeth are clenched. I hate it when they get that way; they know that when they get that way they hurt me immensely. "Well, I think we all need to talk."
"And just what is there to talk about? You chose me and I'm not going to share with the bloodsucker." Jake snarls at me. Edward's jaw clenches even tighter and gives Jake a look that would kill him if it could. I shake my head in disbelief at the mess I have made. Edward turns towards me and tries his hardest to piece together my facial expression with my emotions. Abviously, he didn't figure it out because he soon gave up and turned away.
"We all know I chose you but that doesn't mean I can't ever see Edward again. I promise you that from this day on I will never be romantically involved with Edward Cullen. When I say I choose you, I mean I choose YOU and no one else." I said, trying to sound firm but it comes out weak. They both turn in my direction and Jake looks like he just might kill me. Edward, on the other hand, looks like he agrees completely and that surprises me. I thought that he would hate Jacob Black as long as Jake lived but I guess I was wrong, as always.
"I am willingly withdrawing from the "competition" that we have going here, Jacob. You win, fair and square. If you allow me to see Bella, I will not so much as touch her unless nessasary. I can promise you that But... She is only yours until she says otherwise." Edward says, looking straight at Jake. The last part made Jake really mad and that made me mad at Jake. Does he really think I would do him like that? I love him with all my heart, but it seems Jake is blinded by his hatred. I just wish he could see just how much I love him.
"I will let Bella do whatever she wants, as long as it doesn't hurt her. I may seem like I don't care but I really do. I love Bella with everything I have and I don't want to share her with anyone, especially you. But, if Bella wants to see you, then she can see you whenever she wants as long as she wants and as often as she wants." He says, which makes me smile; it shows how much he truly cares about me. He looks at me and asks, "Bella, would you still like to see Edward?"
"Ummm... I ummm... I think maybe it would be best if I hold off on that answer until later. I'm confused at the moment." I say to Jake. I look at Edward and say, "Edward, I will let you know if I want to see you again. I have you cell number so I will call when I figure it out. Until then, I wish that you would not contact me in any way. It would make it easier on me." I look down at the ground as I say this. I hear them talking but I am not sure to who at the moment. Their voices keep becoming clearer and clearer as I realize I fainted. It must have been to much for me to handle.
"Bella... Honey, are you okay?" I hear Jake murmuring in my ear. I look up at him and he smiles his radiant smile down at me. My heart begins to jump out of my chest as it expands with the love that is fanning out in waves from him.
"W...ww... What happened?" I stuttered. I was really confused about what had happened that I almost didn't know where I was. Jake looked down at me and he looked worried to death. I felt really bad knowing that I was the source of his worry as I always was. It seemed like I was always the one that made him worry.
"I'm not exactly sure. I think you fainted but you were out for too short of time for us to even realize what had happened... Edward left before you woke up but he told me to tell you that he will always love you no matter who you choose. Bella, he truly loves you. I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. I'm saying it because it's true." He whispers. I look up at him and he looks down at me. I can see the hurt in his eyes and it seems that the hurt always has something to do with me. I know that's not true but it seems like it. I love Jake and I think I always have; it's just really hard to love him when I know I have hurt Edward in the process. I shake that thought away and try to focus on Jake.
"Ohh... Why did he leave?" I ask, trying not to let my hurt saturate my voice.
"He said he wanted to give us some space to talk or something like that." He replied. It didn't make sense to me for him to leave and not say goodbye unless he never wanted me in the first place; that was the only way our situation made sense to me in my head. I had loved him with everything I had but maybe he knew it would never be enough. Maybe Alice had a vision about me chosing Jake and so Edward decided to move on. Or maybe be never wanted me and never would so he tried to push me away and block me out...
"Bells, honey... where did you go?"
"I'm here, Jake. I just got lost in thought." I replied but my voice sounded off to me; as if I was talking through my nose. That's when Jake wrapped his arms around me and started rocking me back and forth.
"Shh... Bells, it's okay... I'm here..." Jake whispered in my ear over and over again as I realized that I was crying. I had never cried infront of Jake and had never wanted to but right now I didn't care; I had just wasted six months and almost married a person that I thought loved me. Edward had taken my heart and broke it into millions of tiny pieces; my heart would never be the same. Then I looked up into Jake's brown eyes and remembered that with my personal sun by my side I could conquer the world.
