Please do not yell at me and say, "That is horrible! Your so mean!" I said on the description that Twilight fan vewier discretion is advised. I really don't like Twilight, I'm sorry. I liked it before Stephenie Meyer went a little too far in the fourth book but I really wanted to make a spoof on it so here it is. By the way, Twilight haters hope you like it ;). Oh and reviews are life...so REVIEW!

DISCLAIMER: Hmm...lets see if I was Stephenie Meyer would i be bagging on my own books?

Nessie's POV

This whole chain of misfortune started when Jacob kissed me...

"Nessie! Lets go," dad said from downstairs. Sadly, to my highly tuned ears it sounded extremly loud, and more like a scream.

I applied one quick coat of cherry, rose lip gloss and smothed down my satin, knee lenght, red dress, a gift from my aunt Alice.

I slipped on my red pumps and gracefully rushed downstairs. Well as gracefully as a 16 year old, looking, half-vampire could when she was in a rush.

Once I reached the bottom of the staircase I met my mother and father who were waiting for me. Dad looked me over but my mom was just filled to the brim with joy.

"Oh, you look wonderful!" She gushed. "Thomas is going to be blown away!"

I blushed grabbing my sequined purse from off the chair. I knew my mom hated anything dressy and peppy but I bet she truely thought that I looked good.

Dad on the other had, pursed his lips and had that kind of, "Why is my daughter such a slut?" look in his eye. "Hmm, alright, but one sly move and I will know."

I rolled my eyes, "Sure whatever dad..."

"It's just so sad," my mom said with hurt eyes. "Jacob does really love you..."

I groaned, "Mom! Don't even get me started on Jacob...if he had the hots for you and now he likes me, thats just gross. So what that I liked him when I was a little kid, that was like, I don't know how many years ago. Plus, he is such a creeper. He stares at me like I'm something to eat."

"Alright, alright..." she said holding up her hands in defense. "But just prepare yourself he is coming."

Just after, the doorbell rang and I gritted my teeth opening it. Suprise, suprise, there was Jacob. "Hey Ness, you want to go to La Push? Some of the guys and I are going to go surfin'." He said leaning against the doorframe.

"No, sorry I can't" I replied. "I'm going on a date, with Thomas. You know that boy from school. Oh wait, you don't know since you go to school on the rez."

He frowned, "Thomas?" Then he looked to my dad. "How come I've never heard of him. I need to meet him, I..."

"Jacob!" I interuppted. "Stop! Im 16, well 16-looking! I'm not a child anymore, you don't need to know everything about my life!"

He looked hurt but I didn't care. He always need to know everything about me, what I was doing, who I was with, I was just plain sick of it.

"Nessie..." his hand reached out to brush the hair out of my face but I slapped it away.

"Don't even think about it, "I growled.

"Renesme Carlie Cullen! That is enough!" Mom yelled. "Now, Jacob was nice enough to invite you to go surfing with him. The least you could do is let him drive you to the resturant."

"But..." I protested.

My mother glared at me and my father joined in.

I groaned and stormed out the doof, Jacob trailing after me.

When I saw what he was driving my eyeballs almost melted out of their sockets. "Oh. My. God. You can't be serious..."

"But I am," he hit the hood of the old, rusty pick-up.

I circled around the car to the shotgun seat, opening the creaky, brown coated door.

Once I had hopped into the car, Jacob started up the engine and let the car idle for a while just listening to the corse humm. "Well, this baby's still got it..." He laughed pulling out of my long driveway.

To my utter dissapointment, halfway along the foresty road, the old truck broke down and Jacob had to pull over. Great, just my luck.

He motioned to me to get out of the car while he went to the front of the car and popped open the hood. As soon as he had, a giant billowing cloud of smoke flew into his face. He stepped back coughing and gagging and I couldn't help but giggle into my palm.

He slamed the hood, "Oh, you think thats funny dont cha?"

I nodded, still giggling into my hand.

He rolled his eyes, grinning from ear to ear, "Alright well the car's busted. I guess we are going to have to walk. But look on the bright side, we get to spend some time together."

This time I was the one to roll my eyes.


It happened so quickly I barely had time to stop myself.

We were walking on a back trail when Jacob grabbed my wrist and spun me around so I was facing him. I tried to make him realese his grip, but one look into his eyes and I knew what was coming. He then proceded to plant a rough kiss right on my perfectly glossed lips.

Well, you know the rest.

Once he withdrew, he grinned at me devilishly, "Now, you have to say that was better then Thomas kissing you."

My face and eyes flared and I crouched into a hunting position, a growl ripping through my throat.

His eyes widened, "Nessie! NO!"

But it was too late and I lunged, straight for his head.