i. The First Trip on the Hogwarts Express is Always the Most Memorable
(In which Konan and Nagato reunite with an old friend and Hidan shouldn't be left alone, ever.)
If you asked Hidan what the first sign that something was terribly wrong, he'd tell you it was the fact that he had woken up wearing a shirt.
Sure there was the splitting headache, but it was the discomfort of a necktie and a shirt buttoned all the way up to the top that really brought him to his senses. If only he could get that top button undone, then he could go back to sleep...
"Ah, Hidan. You're awake."
Nah, Hidan thought, don't think I am. Whoever was talking to him (probably Kakuzu, the nosy bastard) was sorely mistaken if he thought that Hidan was anywhere near ready to get up yet. He turned on his side, trying to get more comfortable, but once again the starchy cotton dress shirt made itself known, the rigid collar feeling tight and restrictive on his neck. He grabbed at it blindly, attempting to just rip the damned thing open and be done with it.
"Hidan."
Again he ignored the voice. (Maybe not Kakuzu after all. Not deep enough. Itachi maybe? But what was Itachi doing here?) There was no repetition of his name after the second time, but it was impossible for Hidan to enjoy the silence now. In the end it was combination of curiosity and irritation that forced him to acknowledge the guy who was currently staring a hole straight through his skull.
"The fuck d'you want?!"
POP. Out the window flew the button, along with any chance Hidan had of getting back to sleep when he opened his eyes to see something he could only describe as 'Itachi but way younger and halfway through puberty'.
The mini Itachi regarded him seriously. "We have a problem."
An unfinished cuss dangled from Hidan's lips. 'A problem' was an understatement. Now that he was very much awake, he quickly determined three things. One, he was in what appeared to be an old-fashioned private train compartment, hurtling through an unfamiliar countryside. Two, his weapons were gone and the clothes he had on were definitely not his own. And three, besides himself and this weird teenaged Itachi there were four other people sleeping in the compartment with them, all of whom were giving him some seriously creepy deja vu. He rounded on Itachi, because at this point he was his only chance of getting some answers.
"What the everloving fuck is going on here? I know you were never the tallest guy, but this is just ridiculous." Even in a situation like this, Hidan couldn't help but getting a jab in at the Uchiha.
Itachi, of course, was completely unfazed by Hidan's remark.
"If I knew, I'd be doing something it instead of wasting my time talking to you. It's not genjutsu and I haven't sensed any ill-intent since I woke up, so if it's an attack it's a strange one."
Sceptical of Itachi's words Hidan tried himself to release the illusion. Itachi watched patiently while Hidan inevitably failed over and over. After a minute or so Hidan seemed to realize that Itachi really was telling the truth and gave up, scowling. "If it's not genjutsu then why the hell do you look like that?"
"It's not just me, Hidan."
A glance in the window was all Hidan needed to see Itachi was telling the truth. There he was, reflected in all his glory, a splitting image of himself at age 15.
"Well shit..." He ran his hand over his face, touching his newly softened features. He understood now why the others in the train looked so familiar but so... not. He noticed now that Kisame (that guy over there was blue, who else could it be?) who usually towered above them all at a hulking six foot five was almost what could be considered a normal height, and that Kakuzu's face, while still scrunched up in annoyance like usual, was lacking its usual wrinkles and rag doll stitch job. Even Deidara looked younger despite being young to start with, and that little red headed guy at the end by Itachi... well, Hidan had no clue who the fuck he was, but he looked like he was fourteen at best.
When his brain failed to hobble together any other plan, Hidan decided that his best course of action was to wake Kakuzu up and let him figure this mess out. Because until he was the last option he had, Hidan was NOT going to work with Itachi.
"Kakuzu. Oi, Kakuzu, get up."
Nothing. Hidan punched Kakuzu in the arm and tried again.
"Kakuzu you heaping pile of shit, it's important this time! Open your weird ass eyes and look at me!"
Nothing.
"Oh no, I'm rifling through your pockets and taking your spare change! Better stop me before I spend it on shit we don't need!"
When even turning his partner's pockets inside out failed to work, Hidan punched him again. This time his fist landed square on the nose, and there was a sick sort of crack before blood began to dribble down Kakuzu's face.
As amusing as it was to watch this little scene play out, Itachi decided to draw the line at broken noses and intervene. "You're wasting your time. He's not going to wake up until he's ready, if you're anything to go by." Hidan looked like he was ready to argue and hit Kakuzu again, but closed his mouth when Itachi's sharingan spun in warning.
"We need to work together until we figure out what's going on." Itachi paused as he felt the slightest movement beside him. "...Kisame just woke up. Fill him in and guard the others. I'm going to take a look around, try not to draw attention to yourself while I'm gone."
Hidan didn't even have time to be indignant about being bossed around before the compartment door slammed and he was left alone with a groggy Kisame and three comatose teenagers.
It had to be a dream. That was the only explanation to how Konan could be sitting here, across from Nagato, across from Yahiko.
The real Yahiko. Alive Yahiko.
She'd checked that she was awake twenty times, and that she was not trapped in genjutsu at least twenty more. And yet she was still here, and so was Nagato, and so was Yahiko.
'Here' appeared to be a train of some kind, but compared to what she was faced with now that seemed unimportant. They looked so sweet, so young... Nagato, able-bodied and strong, and Yahiko... alive.
It wasn't just them, either. Konan hadn't failed to notice that she too was looking younger and more delicate. Whatever had occured happened to all three of them somehow. She watched her two best friends sleep at length, chests rising and falling with peaceful, even breaths. It was silly, honestly, but part of her worried that if she woke them up the spell would be broken and she'd find out it wasn't real. But she couldn't just sit here staring forever, she would have to do something eventually... so slowly she reached out to Yahiko, making up her mind to wake him up for better or for worse.
Her fingers had barely touched his hair before he stirred, blinking and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
"Mmnn, Konan?"
Just the sound of his voice was enough to start the tears flowing. She nodded, smiling.
"Konan, what's wrong? Did something happen?" Fully awake now Yahiko leaned forward and took her hand, and Konan couldn't help but laugh at his face so full of concern. She shook her head and Yahiko looked more confused than before, so she rubbed away her tears and tried again.
"No, nothing's wrong. Everything's perfect. I'm just happy to see you."
"But you just saw me this morning..." Yahiko still looked confused, but as long as it was happy crying, he guessed it was okay. He leaned back in his seat, idly hoping that Nagato would wake up soon, because even if it was only Konan the way she was staring at him was making his face heat up.
Fate provided a distraction in the form of an unknown presence at the compartment door, putting Konan and Yahiko instantly on alert. Nagato didn't stir, and the other two instinctively put themselves between him and the possible threat.
The door opened and they were greeted by what Yahiko recognized to be non-other than one of the Leaf Village's famous Uchihas, sharingan and all. Yahiko was all but ready to attack when Konan held out her arm, signalling for him to stay put.
The Uchiha looked from Konan to Yahiko, to the sleeping form of Nagato behind them. Then, very plainly he stated, "So you're here as well."
Konan's posture relaxed slightly, no longer expecting an imminent threat. "What's going on here, Itachi?" Her voice was dignified and commanding, completely different from how she spoke to Yahiko. Whoever this man was Konan knew him, thought Yahiko, though he had no idea as to how.
"I only know what I've gathered by walking along the train." Itachi stepped forward into the compartment, shutting the door behind him for privacy. "I woke up half an hour ago in a compartment along with Kisame, Hidan, Kakuzu, Deidara, and Sasori. Everyone appears to be younger versions of themselves, fifteen or sixteen years old if I had to guess, and all of our weapons are missing. The train itself seems to be full of school children wearing the same uniform we woke up in, all civilians. There has been no sign of enemy ninja so far."
"Have you seen Zetsu, or anyone else who looks familiar?" asked Konan.
"No."
"And where are the others right now?"
"Five compartments down, on the left. Hidan and Kisame have woken up but the rest are still asleep to my knowledge."
Konan nodded, apparently satisfied for now. "Check the rest of the train and see what you can find. We'll meet you in your compartment when we're done here. Inform everyone that they are to keep a low profile and not make any moves until ordered."
"Understood." With a bow, Itachi left.
Raising his eyebrow, Yahiko turned to Konan. "Who was that?"
Konan sat down and sunk back into the cushions. She sighed.
"Yahiko, I have so much to tell you..."
Considering the people he left behind in the first compartment, Itachi wasn't surprised when he returned to it looking like a bomb had gone off. The only surprising part was that Deidara was still asleep and as such had nothing to do with it.
Hidan had discovered the trunks on the luggage rack, and had ripped through three of them in the time time Itachi was away. Clothes and books and parchments were everywhere, and Itachi suspected the only reason Hidan hadn't up-ended the last three trunks was a lack of working room. (This was partially determined by the fact that the current trunk was precariously balanced on top of the other two, and partially by the fact that the sleeping Kakuzu had become a temporary bookshelf slash clothes hanger.)
The snack trolley must have been by, as Kisame had a small pile of candy in his lap and was currently eating something from a box labelled Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. Hidan was leafing through a book to Itachi's surprise, a giant leather-bound tome with faded gold lettering on the side. He was muttering to himself as he read, and every once in a while he'd make a gesture with the stick he held firmly in his right hand.
Itachi pushed a pair of pants to the floor and took a seat beside Kisame, who offered Itachi some of the jelly beans he was eating. Itachi declined.
"Leader and Konan are also on the train," reported Itachi, deciding to leave out the bit about the mysterious third person for now.
Hidan completely ignored the news in favour of his book, but Kisame turned his head to listen.
"No sign of Zetsu or that kid who's always following him around?" asked Kisame.
"Not yet," Itachi confirmed.
"Too bad, I like those two. Maybe they'll show up later, they have a way of doing that." Kisame looked reflective for all of a moment before popping another bean in his mouth. "So we're waiting here until Leader comes and gives us an order, right?"
Itachi nodded. "There's not much we can do until Kakuzu, Deidara, and Sasori wake up anyhow."
"I'm awake."
Itachi's eyes flicked to the seat beside him, where Sasori was sitting completely unmoved save his now open eyes. "My apologies. It can be hard to tell with you at times."
Sasori, who looked grumpy at the best of times, was looking positively perturbed today. "Leader and Konan better not waste their time getting here. Deidara may be loud but at least he has some semblance of grace." His eyes wandered accusingly toward Hidan and his up-ended suitcases.
"Tough words coming from a ten year old." Hidan looked up from his book for the first time since Itachi entered. "The world's not over because I hit you in the face with some underwear. I said sorry, alright? Suck it up already." The exaggerated eye roll that followed only made Sasori frown harder.
"Whatever, I have better things to do than worry about whether or not some puppet fucker is pissed off at me. You'll all shut up when you see what I just learned. Incendio!"
With a wave of the stick in his hand the top book on Kakuzu's lap burst into flame. Kisame quickly put it out with a water jutsu, but Hidan didn't seem to care or notice. He was too busy grinning triumphantly and holding it his stick out for all to see.
"Y'see this? This right here is a magic fucking wand."
Sasori just gave Itachi a tired look that said, 'you see, this is what I put up with while you were gone.' Itachi himself couldn't help but feel sympathetic for Kakuzu, who had to suffer through the most Hidan per capita of them all.
Apparently this lack of response wasn't what Hidan was expecting. "I just set a book on fire with a stick, at least pretend to look excited."
"Were we supposed to care about your low level fire jutsu?," asked Sasori mockingly.
"Fine, then how about this?" Hidan pointed his wand at a pair of shoes this time, and they started dancing on their own. This elicited a laugh from Kisame, though it could have very well been out of pity.
Hidan leaned forward, his voice taking on a conspiratorial tone. "I don't think you guys realize what we've stumbled into here. This is real magic, and we have all we need to learn it right here. These books have all sorts of stuff in them. Potions... charms... curses..." He trailed off with a menacing grin.
"And?" asked Sasori.
"...And?" Hidan faltered. "What do you mean, 'and'? This is amazing! Think of all the new creative ways I'll be able to send sacrifices to Lord Jashin! I can make people's intestines squirm their way out of their bodies! I can explode their brains from the inside! I can burn them with a fire that will never go out!"
"I've heard more creative ideas from Deidara," stated Sasori, who obviously thought this to be a great insult.
At this point Hidan was flat out pissed. "What the hell is wrong with you guys? I just show you magic and you're acting like it's nothing!"
"I already witnessed magic when I was out in the hallway," explained Itachi.
"These Chocolate Frog cards are really informative," said Kisame with a shrug.
Hidan grumbled, waiting for Sasori's reason. "What about you, huh? Saw a flying pig out the window earlier?"
"No. I'm just not easily impressed."
An all-out war was avoided at this point by two things: Deidara stirring, and three people appearing at the door.
Konan of course was instantly recognisable, as was Pain... which left one person, who Hidan was sure he had never seen before in his life. And thus the first words Hidan ever spoke to Nagato face to face were, "Who's the emo guy in the middle with red hair?"
Nagato looked Hidan straight in the eye. "I am Pain."
Hidan looked doubtful at best, but being stared down by the rinnegan took some of the wind out of his sails. Jabbing a half-hearted thumb in the direction of Yahiko, Hidan grunted, "I thought that tool there was Pain."
"The one you have known as Pain is I and I alone," stated Nagato. By this point Deidara was awake enough to follow the conversation and snickered at Hidan, who shot him back the dirtiest glare he could muster.
Nagato chose to ignore the more childish members of the Akatsuki for now, and motioned to the man beside him, the one that up until today everyone had thought was Pain.
"This is Yahiko, founder of the Akatsuki. From today on, he will be your leader."
"What?" Any of the members' complaints were quickly drowned out by Yahiko's own. "Nagato, that's not what we agreed on!"
Nagato was not willing to hear his new leader's protests. "You're the rightful leader. It should be you."
"I'm happy you have faith in me and all, but they've been following you this entire time! You can't just switch leadership like that, the group will fall apart!" exclaimed Yahiko. Said group watched the exchange in utter silence. Their leader's personality was arguing with their leader's body, and it was an odd experience to say the least.
"This isn't up for discussion. You are the leader." Nagato's voice was firm and anyone else would have stopped arguing right there and then, but Yahiko wasn't going down without a fight.
"I said no!"
"My decision is final. I will not be swayed."
"You can't just make someone leader without their consent, Nagato! That's not how it works!"
"Then consent."
"No!"
"Then you will be leader without your consent."
"This is ridiculous! Since when were you so bull-headed, this isn't like you at all!"
"What you think I'm like is irrelevant."
"Nagato, you-!"
Hidan was certain he was about to watch the two 'Leaders' duke it out when Konan's voice cut through the argument.
"Enough!"
Every eye turned to Konan. Her face was a mask of icy calm, but it was clear that anger lurked beneath the surface. "We will discuss this later," she continued, and her tone left no room for argument.
Nagato, whose stoic, controlled demeanour hadn't faltered once during the altercation accepted Konan's interference easily. Yahiko wasn't as happy, but a warning look from Konan stopped him from voicing any complaints. (A similar warning look was used a moment later, when Deidara opened his mouth to comment on the scene, and convinced him very quickly to shut it.)
Now that the room was now under control and listening, Konan spoke to Nagato. "We came here for a debriefing on the situation," she reminded him.
Acting for all the world as if the last few minutes hadn't happened, Nagato addressed the Akatsuki.
"The reason is still unclear, but we have been transported to another dimension. Right now we are in a country called Scotland, and from the maps we've seen none of the countries we know exist in this place. This train is on its way to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and when we were brought here we seem to have also been enrolled at this school. We will play along with this for now.
"Our immediate goal is to find a means to transport us back home. The school is an ideal place for us to search for this information. You will act as students of this school in order to do this, and you will draw no unnecessary attention to yourselves until I order otherwise." Nagato's eyes lingered on Deidara and Hidan especially at this last point. "These people are peaceful civilians, but they are not powerless. Do not give them reason to use that power against you."
"Lastly, if anyone sees Zetsu or anyone else from our world, you're to report it immediately. Besides this I have nothing more to say until we are closer to our goal. Until then, don't disappoint me."
With a final look around the room, Nagato turned on his heel and left. Yahiko and Konan followed closely behind, and like that the rest of the Akatsuki were left to their own devices.
