I remember how, when I first met Addison how I found it so impossible to stop staring at her. To be fair, even during our 11 year marriage there were times when I still found myself staring. I used to do it most often when I thought she couldn't see me, for instance in the mornings. I loved to watch her get ready for work. She would go from my private Addison, the one with tousled hair and no make up to the one that everyone else saw.
Both were beautiful of course, but I cherished the thought that only I got to see how she truly is. She would sit at the mirror, frowning slightly if she thought she saw a wrinkle or crows feet appearing, and tame her wild hair into a neat stylish up do for work. Next came the make-up, and even though I watched her do her particular routine a million times I wouldn't be able to tell anyone what she used or what it did. Then clothes, my least favourite part, all sharp designer suits, skirts and heels, even though they all went when she stepped into the OR. Salmon's never been my favourite colour but her scrubs work so well on her, still making her look shapely.
Before I found out about Mark I felt so privileged that only I got to witness her at her most beautiful, that came after we had made love, when she would lie next to me naked, flushed post orgasm, with hair unkempt and wild with sparkly happy eyes that only I got to see.
My private Addison.
Mark had betrayed me, and took from me the most intimate scenes with her in them. Instead of looking at me with sparkly post orgasm eyes she would of been looking at Mark. That hurt.
When she came back I found myself staring, but not in the way that I used to. Of course she was still as beautiful, however contempt and anger were clear in my eyes. Until today, when I felt that soften a little with her words, "Even though I'm an adulterous bitch and Satan. I still might be the love of your life"
I couldn't sign those divorce papers. Not without being able to see if I would be able to lie naked in bed with her again and feel the same way.
When I enter surgery the next day all of this is pushed to the back of my mind as soon as the scape l is placed in my hand. I can feel Meredith's glances at me, but it isn't until I look up that I know what I have planned to do is right. One glance up at her in the viewing room and I forget where I am for a second. She's back in the sharp suits and perfect hair, which make her seem so striking next to the dull painted walls. She's professional Addison again, so different to the private images I have of her in my mind. Its then and there that I know that I have to try to save us.
