I'm the next act
Waiting in the wings
I'm an animal
Trapped in your hot car
I am all the days that you choose to ignore
I've never been one to sit here; you know, in therapy. I'm not sure I even need it. But you get tired of things – you get tired of the way you feel all the time. And I guess I just broke down. Stupidly enough, I'm not as strong as I thought I was when you left.
If you're listening, you might be hanging onto my every word. Waiting to hear about what I really thought of you. Was it beyond the sex? I don't know. But what I did know was that like everything else, I got tired of waiting for you. But you didn't know it and I kept waiting for you to realize it, and then you were gone and I knew you never knew how I really felt. So, now I'm telling a stranger the things I want to tell you. And let me reiterate: it's not helping.
You left and you didn't tell me. We lived together and we had sex in all different places in the house and you couldn't let me know that you couldn't stand the rain anymore. And I've still got this damn cough; I still can't do anything with my hair in this wet and I'm still waiting for you – for your permission.
And I miss you, Addie.
You are all I need
You're all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds
We never communicated and that was probably the main problem. I was so happy when we were together even when we fought. And at the end, when you still wouldn't tell me about the baby; when you moved across the country to chase your absent husband, I still remembered how happy I was. You find that person you want to be with forever, and you were it. No, I never would admit this if we were face-to-face. Maybe I should have. You know now, for better or for worse, anyway.
I think you're beautiful. I never could see anyone else, even when you were distant and I was fucking some nurse in the on-call room. I've never seen your shade of red hair on any other woman. And I miss the way I could see myself in your blue eyes.
The therapist asked me to think of one thing I'd want to do with you. And I couldn't think of just one thing. I want to wake up with you every morning. I want to kiss you whenever we want.
I am a moth
Who just wants to share your light
I'm just an insect
Trying to get out of the dark
I wanna stick with you, because there are no others
You were such a bitch, but I loved you through it. You never gave me a chance and I loved you through it. I thought that one day you'd have to see that I was willing to keep up the chase. You thought I didn't care enough; you thought I'd be a horrible father, and you hurt me. But I keep up the chase, Addie. I keep it up because it's something I can't imagine myself not doing.
I'm shallow and I'm abrasive. I'm an asshole and I know it. And I guess in the end, a woman like you would never have considered a man like me the way that I think of you. Maybe I'm just stupid, hoping that you'd change your mind.
But I love you. I loved you then; I loved your hands and the way you smiled. And I love you still, even though the only way I see you is through the picture on my desk.
You are all I need
You're all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds
So I guess even if I sat in years of therapy, it wouldn't make a difference. I could try all sorts of psychiatric techniques to forget you. I could look for a brown-haired or black-haired woman with dark or green eyes and settle down with two kids that have my skin tone and know how to play the cello and go to Little League games. I could do it.
But I love you. And you left, dammit. You left before I could say anything. And even if you delete this; even if it makes you cry, I guess part of moving on for me makes it easier to let you go. I hope you love it in L.A. I hope you get a tan and I hope you find what you're looking for.
This time, I promise I won't chase you. But I love you, anyway.
It's all wrong
It's all right
It's all wrong
It's all right.
Call me sometime – I'll always have your number memorized.
Bye.
Message ends
