Chapter 1
Christian's POW
"Dull your aching heart!"
Roxy is absolutely right – I am doing the self indulgent queen thing. It doesn't matter whether it is Zainab, Masood or Syeds doing it looks like Syed is firmly back in the closet and everyone else is moving on with their lives.
I have taken one step forward setting up as a personal trainer; I can't go three steps back by moping over a lost cause when I need to put all my efforts into building a new business.
Despite keeping Roxy in the dark during all those months of ecstasy and despair as Syed flip flopped between his heart and his conscious – she has been a real friend, and now she is my first paying customer!
Besides although she, Jane and Lucy were great in the weeks after the "party" I can tell their sympathy is wearing thin. Damn Syed - I know it was me that brought everything out into the open in such a dramatic manner – but it is me that gets beaten up, yet he still chooses to come back and mend his relationships with his parents rather than me.
I hate the way he couldn't look me in the eye, I hate the way he thinks sorry can make it all better, I hate the way that he thinks he can wipe what we had from his consciousness, I hate the way the he won't stand up to his mother; I hate that he is spineless and gutless; I hate so many things about him...and yet still I can't hate him.
A glimpse of him walking across the square sets my pulse racing and his touch this morning sent a wave of shocks through my body. The memories of him linger everywhere, the Vic, the Cafe, and the gardens ... not to mention "the" alley!
My flat is haunted by the sight, sound and scent of our wild and passionate sex. There is no escape for me – he is the shadow that follows me in my waking hours and as for the nights... I groan at the memories that consume my dreams and the despair that comes every morning when I open my eyes to face the truth.
So let waste his time and money on a quack therapist, let him delude himself into believing that his long held dream of a perfect husband, father, son, brother and Muslim is within his reach – but he is not dragging me down with him. I am better than this!
I have my family, I have my new business, I have friends who care and I can still turn heads in Vauxhall when I want to. It's just at the moment I am not so sure that I want to – or is it just that all I see are imitations of the beauty that I crave?
It's enough now –move on Christian, there has to be life after Syed.
