They have no idea. No idea what it feels like to lose everything in their life that makes them happy, that makes them feel loved. To lose everything in their life that is worth living for. To feel so empty within yourself because you have nothing left anymore. No, they don't; but I do.
My life was basically built up around my best friend or rather, ex-best friend, Lissa. I grew up with her; I met her during at the academy when I was little. She was like my sister, my only family. My mother left me at the academy; thought it was best for me. In a way it was, but it would've been nice to actually have seen my mother growing up.
Me and Lissa, we were just chatting in her room, about her and her magic. She was using it more and more, and I could feel the darkness getting worse and worse. I was scared for her, scared for myself. I don't know what will happen if that darkness just all of a sudden... burst. But from chatting we went, to arguing and fighting with each other. Saying things that I may have thought about, like how I don't exactly get to live my own life, but that's how it's supposed to be for damphirs. We guard the moroi, her kind. But, what most guardians and their moroi don't have to experience is a bond between the two.
And on and on this arguing kept on going. Saying all of my darkest thoughts that I have ever thought about when it concerns my life and Lissa's. But of course, this wasn't entirely my doing. Part of it was darkness, I could feel it working its way into both our heads, but I was too caught up in this argument to bother with it. Little did I know, this whole argument would have completely changed my future.
From all that arguing, all the 'secrets' we let out, I now have no best friend, no sister anymore. And there goes part of my life, my heart. I don't know much of a world without Lissa, but now, that is what I am living, the reality I am facing. I've blocked myself from the bond, as did Lissa as well. We want nothing to do with each other. And I can finally start to live my life... right?
Wrong. I lost half my life from the loss of Lissa. Part of my heart and soul has simply disappeared. It's been 3 months since that fight, and I'm still living it as if it was yesterday.
Then, I lost the other half of me. I lost the one man I love. Dimitri. I had hope that somehow we would work the relationship out between us. I especially had hope that day when he told me he said no to Tasha's offer. This was also about 3 months ago. A week earlier than the fight I had with Lissa. What I saw next happened about the day after my fight with Lissa.
A week later, I saw Dimitri carrying his suitcase outside, standing with Tasha, while they watched another guardian put their luggage inside a truck. Looks like he changed his answer, I thought bitterly to myself. I should've thought that we wouldn't work out, that one day one of us would leave. That we weren't meant to be. I died even more on the inside seeing this.
But what I saw next broke me to the very core. I saw Dimitri kiss Tasha, I heard him whispering in her ear, saying the words that I would never thought I would hear him say to another women, "I love you." Sure, I figured this could all be compulsion, considering Tasha was an evil bitch. So I got Adrian to check for me immediately. And his answer was painful enough to hear. I ran back to my room, figuring that Dimitri was going to walk back in anytime soon. I fell into my bed, head into my pillow, and face streaming with tears.
I lost one half of my soul, my life, my heart. I didn't need to lose the other half did I? But clearly I was wrong.
I knew Dimitri was going to find me in my room right after that whole incident, what he doesn't know yet was that I already saw him with packed bags.
Once again, I remember this memory just as if it was yesterday.
"Rose? Roza? Are you still in bed?" I could practically hear him smiling when I made no noise.
"Come on Roza, wake up." He was still smiling; I just knew he was, as he walked towards me.
"How could you do this to me Dimitri?" I whisper. He stops automatically, smile fallen from his face in an instant.
I sit up and close my eyes, knowing my face was still streaked with tears.
"How could you do this to me?" I took a breath.
"After what you said to me that day in the gym, after everything," I open my eyes and stare into the beautiful brown ones that I fell in love with. "How. Could. You. Dimitri." I start crying again, as he tries to walk over to me to comfort me. But that's the last thing I need.
"Don't."
"Roza, wai—"
"I said don't Dimitri." and I walked out the door of my own bedroom, knowing that the man I fell in love with, was not who I thought he was. And just like that, I lost the other half of my life.
I think of all this as I sit at a park bench by the bushes under the trees, while I see Christian and Lissa taking a stroll in the park, with Dimitri and Tasha just behind them. They didn't notice me, but that was because I didn't want to be noticed. I had sunglasses on, my hair up in a ponytail. I had a book in my lap, the basic object to disguise me with. I would never be caught dead reading.
I see them walking and laughing, playing with each other. Smiling, happy, like one big happy family.
And with all those thoughts running through my head, it makes me wonder, was I ever as important in their life as they were to me?
It's only been a few months, but they act as if it never happened, as if nothing life changing occurred. As if Lissa didn't lose her 'sister,' or her best friend. As if Dimitri never lost a lover. But then again, it's been months. They have people in their lives to make them happy, to make them forget.
They have people worth living for.
But me?
I have nothing.
Nothing but an empty soul.
A/N
..yes. i know extremely sad/depressing.
idk. i tend to write sad/depressing one shots.
anyway.
first fan fic/ one shot that i bothered to post.
what do you guys think?
good?bad?okay?
Review please!
~~CHARACTERS BELONNG TO THE ONE AND ONLY RICHELLE MEAD :D ~~
