Disclaimer: The only thing I own is my love for Gravitation
Rated: M - for implied rape
A/N: I sat at home with insomnia, again, and kind of cranky and this is what I came up with. A bit dark and depressing, like my mood at the time. A big thank you to Inu-midoriko for her wonderful beta skills 'cause to be honest my grammar sucks. Reviews always appreciated. Alright, on with the reading.
Pay it forward
I try not to go back to night before, but my efforts don't pay off. My body aches, my heart feels heavy. I look for you but you evade my eyes. I ask you why, but you don't answer, you never do. I only wanted to keep you company on the eve of your first love-death anniversary, hoping not to replace him but to get at least a glimpse of your sadness. People might think I'm crazy but only I understand that if I see you sad at least it will confirm that you still are able to feel, and that means I can make you feel love one day, that was my goal.
I opened the door and to my surprise you were already sharing yourself with someone. That pain I will take with me to the grave. I tried to leave but you won't let me, you toss me into a stranger's arms. I call your name but you don't move, you simply watch. I cry out for you, but you turn away from me. I'm hurting inside. I tell myself 'he'll save me' but you don't. I'm facing the window and I can see the moonlight, I know you do too.
This must be what pay it forward means. You betray me like he betrayed you. How could you? To love you more than life was my only sin.
I finally get up and get dressed, and head towards the door, "Goodbye, Yuki." I say to the immobile figure sitting at the desk.
You noticed my bag and try to use it as an excuse to follow me. You go down three floors looking for me, not knowing that I went up seven flights looking for my death. As I stand here looking down I see you searching for me, but I'm not coming back. I can feel the wind on my face, the sun on my skin. A scream came from below, the woman pointed at me; you look up in horror and say something, but I can't hear you. It's too late for words, I let myself fall, and for the first time I feel I'm getting closer to you.
I opened my eyes and through the red covering I gaze upon your face, I look at the pair of sun colored eyes and for the first time I see rain in them. I hear your voice quivering, calling my name, "Shuichi, I'm sorry don't die," you say. I can't move my body anymore, I feel something warm running down the side of my face, "Is it blood?" no, I'm wrong, they are tears that are not mine but yours. How ironic, as if by some twisted fate you shed tears for me.
I manage to place my hand on your cheek and I try to speak the gurgling sound on my throat making it more difficult, "I won." yes I did as absurd as it sounds, I did. Goodbye my love I'm glad we met, and don't forget that on this day you not only lost the man you loved, but also the one that loved you most. You see my love this is how I pay it forward.
Fin
