The first AC story I wrote did well, in my opinion. So, more shitposts everybody!


"All right. Everything's set up nice and wonderful! Let the guests arrive!" Desmond said after he finished decorating the living room. He was holding a party for all the Assassin's of all era's.

As if someone had heard him say everything was done, the door rang and Desmond walked to the door. He wondered who it was first. The Assassins usually brought eachother along, or their buddies.

Desmond opened up.

"Of course. The only one who would be right on time!" He exclaimed.

"Hello Desmond." Haytham said as he walked in. "Shay will be here in a couple of minutes, he's parking the carriage."

A loud crash was heard as he said that, followed by the shreeking of a woman and an explosion.

Desmond and Haytham peeked outside, semi-alarmed. Shay came around the corner, running as if the Devil himself was on his heels.

"HOLD THE DOOR OPEN!" He yelled and he sprinted towards Desmond's house. The Assassin dashed into the house and Desmond and Haytham slammed the door shut after him.

"GOD DAMNIT SHAY! I ONLY JUST BOUGHT THAT DAMN THING!" Haytham yelled.

"Well, this is partially your own fault Haytham, the same thing happened last year..." Desmond said.

Shay got up quickly and dusted off his robes. "The man's right you know?" he said and smirked at Haytham.

Before the colonist could react in any way, there was another knock at the door.

"Must be the next guest!" Desmond said. He walked to the door and opened it.

"ALTAÏR!" He cried out and stepped outside to hug his oldest ancestor.

"How are you Desmond?" Altaïr Ibn-gotta-go-fast asked.

"Well, certainly a lot better since..."

"You do know I don't really care right? Fuck off." Altaïr said, cutting Desmond off. He ended the embrace and entered the house, leaving Desmond outside.

"Ah, I see that half of the colonial cunts has already shown up!" He said as he entered the living room and saw Haytham and Shay still arguing.

"Hello Altaïr!" Haytham said. "The years have been kind."

"Hey Altaïr!" Shay said and he shook the medieval Assassin's hand. "How's the mrs.?" He asked.

"Which one?" Altaïr asked.

"Uh... nevermind..." Shay said.

"Well come on men!" Desmond said, clasping his hands together. "Let's get this party started already!"


Half an hour later, the group was playing beer pong when they all heard a loud crash outside.

"What in the name of God is happening out there?" Haytham asked.

Shay and Desmond walked towards the windows and peeked outside.

"Desmond, is it me, or is there a huge ass ship on the sidewalk?" Shay asked.

"No, you're not seeing things, there is indeed a ship on the sidewalk. Not a place you'd expect it to be though..." Desmond muttered.

The four Assassins walked outside and were greeted by shouting.

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE KENWAY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE A SAILOR!"

"MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T BRING SO MANY LASSES WITH YA, I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN DISTRACTED EZIO SPAGHETTIO!"

"STOP BICKERING, THIS IS NOT SOLVING OUR PROBLEM!"

"SHUT UP ADÉ!"

"YOU WANNA GO DOWN NIGGA? COME AT ME!"

By this time, Desmond had pulled a camera out of his ass and started recording the scene displayed in front of them. Altaïr tapped Haytham's shoulder and asked:

"That your old man?"

Haytham nodded.

"Dude, isn't this somewhat emberassing?" Shay wondered.

"I've gotten used to it by now." The colonist replied.

Finally, Edward noticed the four of them standing on the street.

"Ahoy mates! Let me just untangle these fellas and we'll come down!" He yelled and pointed at Adéwalé and Ezio who were fighting eachother with whips.

"Gentlemen, please." He said. "You're scaring the girls."

Ezio looked up from Adé, whom he held in a tight grip.

"Oh, that's bad!" He said and he let go of Edward's quartermaster and went below decks. Edward heard some italian mumbling and out came Ezio with a bunch of courtisanes.

"Did you have to bring so many women with you man?" Edward asked.

"What can I say, I like my girls in large numbers." Ezio responded.

Adé groaned and jumped of the Jackdaw, followed by Captain Kenway and Ezio.

"Salute Desmond!" Ezio said and he shook the host's hand. "I took the liberty to bring some girls with me in case some of us started to get bored."

"Thanks Ezio!" Desmond said, before he was pushed away by Altaïr.

"EZIO SPAGHETTIO!" He exclaimed and he tightly embraced the Italian.

"I... hate... it... when you... call me... Ezio... Spaghettio... Altaïr!" Ezio muttered, almost being choked to death.

Meanwhile, Edward and Adé met up with Desmond and the other two Assassins.

"Ahoy Desmond. Shay. And of course Haytham!" Edward said.

"Father. Adé." Haytham nodded.

"Stiff as a board like you told me Captain." Adéwalé said.

"Aye. It's part of that Templar coldness I guess." Edward said.


The Assassins had returned to the living room, talking with eachother about stuff.

"Any adventures in the Carribbeans Edward?" Shay asked.

"Not really mate. Though I guess it's nice to just be on quiet waters once in a while." Edward replied.

Altaïr scoffed. "Don't get me started on water. I'm scared to death of it."

Adéwalé raised an eyebrow.

"Are you telling me the self-appointed greatest Assassin is afraid of water?"

Altaïr gave him a dirty look. "Yeah. Can't swim. Not being able to swim plus water usually equals drowning, which is a way of dying. Dying is not one of my hobbies per se. Got a problem with that?"

"It just amuses me. The idea that something as simple as water can frighten a man." Adé said.

Altaïr's face slowly became red.

"But still, I am the greatest Assassin in this group. Do not forget that!" He quietly said.

"'Scuse me, I want to object!" Ezio said and he joined the group.

"Whachoo want Ezio?" Shay asked.

"Well, if you listen to the community, the best Assassin would be me, Ezio Auditore di fallafel e pizze de pasta."

"First of all, racist. Second, what community? Third, are you even listening to yourself rich boy?" Altaïr said as he raised from his seat, trying to bulk over Ezio.

The Italian retorted with: "First, not if I'm making remarks about myself. Second, I was refering to the huge nerds who play these games. And third, I know very well what I'm saying. Wanna fight about it?"

Altaïr was about to say something when another knock on the door broke the tension.

"I wonder who's next!" Desmond said. He put down his bottle of beer and walked to the door. He opened it and saw Arno in the doorway, holding a basket of baguettes.

"Bonsoir Desmond!" He said and handed the basket over.

"Hey Arno, thanks for bringing some bread, I completely forgot to get them." Desmond said, taking the basket.

"Hmmm, they smell amazing!" He added.

Suddenly, two Assassins landed next to Arno on both sides. A man and a woman.

"Cheers Frenchy!" Jakob Frye said and he grabbed one of the baguettes. "It's good you remembered Evie gets cranky if she doesn't eat her carbs."

Evie grabbed another baguette out of the basket and struck Jakob's head.

"Shut up!" She said, then placed the baguette back.

"Good evening Desmond!" She then said and shook his hand.

"Hey Evie. Jakob." Desmond said.

"Well are we just gonna stand out here or are we going inside to party?" Jakob asked.

"Or are we still waiting for someone?" Arno asked.

"Let's see, Altaïr, Ezio, Haytham, Edward, Adé, Shay and the three of you. That's everyone!" Desmond said.


Later, Desmond's house was turned upside down. Everyone was chatting, drinking, playing games, dancing to the music and just generally having fun.

Eventually, the Assassins started a little game. To see who could finish an entire bottle of booze the fastest. With Desmond as a referee, everybody took their positions with a bottle of whiskey.

"We've got this in the bag Adé!" Edward whispered.

"Aye, sailors are known for their ability to drink as much as they want. Part of a pirate's life."

Altaïr overheard the conversation and said: "Just you watch!"

Meanwhile, Desmonf had prepared his stopwatch.

"Lady and gentlemen. Ready. Set. DRINK!"

Almost simultaniously, the Assassins opened their bottles and brought then over to their mouths. Except for Haytham, who grabbed a glass, poured in a small amount of whiskey and slowly took a sip.

"Haytham, you're aware this is a competition right?" Desmond said.

"I know. But I strongly believe one should ENJOY their drink rather then downing it as quick as possible. If that means I lose at some silly game, than I am fine with that." Haytham explained and he carried on.

Ezio, who was next to him, stopped gulping to catch his breath.

"Mama mia, this is not... really..." Ezio stopped and then crashed down on the table face first. A loud snorring followed. Arno noticed and almost choked on his liqour.

"HAHAHAHAHA! FUCKING LIGHTWEIGHT EZIO!" He yelled.

Shay had also stopped to take a breather.

"Damn, this is hard!" He coughed and then went on.

Altaïr and Edward were having a neck-on-neck race. Adé had stopped drinking in amazement. Eventually, Altaïr threw his bottle on the table, completely empty.

"YES! THE GREATEST ASSASSIN ALIVE HAS WON!" He exclaimed happily. Then he turned to Jakob and Evie.

"Oh you have got to be..." He said.

In the time it took him to finish his entire bottle, the twins had managed to down FIVE bottles. Each!

"Welp. I guess we have a winner. Or, two winners."

Ezio shot up and muttered: "Wait did I win?"


Will Altaïr restore his lost honor? Who will turn out to be the best Assassin of them all? Why am I asking you these questions? And finally, why does Origins have to be so darn expensive? All this and more, in the following chapter.