AUTHOR'S NOTE: This one has been on the burner for a long time. I'd written the "time of the month" thing before ever reading the synopsis of "Menzies", and I'd written the whole "falling in love with the IDEA of a girl" thing before ever viewing "Halloween", and the whole "He'll run away once he realizes I'm not what he think I am" thing before Menzies. Okay, I think that makes it official...My mind is synced with the New Girl writers now. They should just go ahead and hire me and get it over with. ;o)

(However the wink and nod to "Safety Not Guaranteed" I clearly cannot take credit for. ;o))


"This man-crush that Nick has on Russell is creeping me out." Schmidt was in the kitchen preparing the ingredients for his bi-weekly, all-natural, pore-tightening mask. He had been hacking away at a cucumber with unusual aggravation until Jess finally asked him what was wrong. "It's got me all in a twist."

"I'd make fun of you if I didn't know exactly what you meant," Winston muttered, sipping coffee while scrolling through sports stats from the night before.

"Awwww, come on you guys!" Jess protested, while buttering a bagel, "I think it's cute! It's like he's finally met who he wants to be when he grows up!"

"That's just it," Schmidt said sullenly, waving an avocado around for emphasis as he continued, "He has ME to look up to. Why did he feel the need to search elsewhere for a role model? It makes no sense, man." He cut a lime in half and muttered again, disheartenedly, "It just makes no sense."

"NOW I can make fun of you..."

"HEY. GUYS. You realize I'm sitting right here, right?!" Nick said finally, slamming down his cereal spoon.

"Don't feel so bad Schmidt," Jess comforted him. "You weren't there. You didn't smell that office. It was a powerful aphrodisiac. The boy couldn't help himself!"

"I think he thinks he's just one wacky invention away from owning that kind of set-up himself," Winston snickered.

"Sitting RIGHT here. Hearing EVERYTHING you're saying."

"UH...DER!" Schmidt answered Winston, aggressively chunking ingredients into his Vita Mix TurboBlend 4500. "And when that day comes...AND IT WILL COME...who do you think will be sitting across the mahogany desk from Nick, in a matching leather chair?! Here's a hint: NOT! RUSSELL!" And the loud whirring of the blender effectively gave him the last word on the subject.