"Really, Commander, I don't think we should go against the regs again. Besides—"
"Regs? That didn't seem to bother you so much en route to Ilos, lieutenant." Kaidan's clumsy attempts to reject her advances were adorable, but watching him blush scarlet at the memory of their intimacy was even better.
They were only a few hours away from the end of shore leave, and Shepard had indulged in more than her fair share of Serrice Ice Brandy at dinner. The lights of the Citadel glowed around them in an exhilarating haze, the bustle of life still thriving in the galaxy's biggest city. She dragged a protesting Kaidan away from the sushi restaurant, where they'd just shared a raucous meal with the rest of the squad, in the direction of Anderson's apartment.
Shepard was used to lean living and ordinarily kept to a simple one-room apartment provided by the Alliance during shore leave. But after Ashley's death, immediately followed by the well-publicized victory over Sovereign, Anderson convinced her to take a real break in the retreat of his elegant and amenity-filled home while he was out on Alliance business. Shepard herself, along with the rest of the crew, would be leaving on assignment the following morning at 0600; but she'd be damned if she didn't enjoy herself just for one more night. Hadn't she earned that much?
For his part, Kaidan was resisting with all the strength of a volus. His feigned reluctance only excited Shepard more. He had abandoned his ordinary dress for more casual wear. His snug white t-shirt accentuated his powerful arms and his dog tags bounced against his sculpted chest as he broke into jog to keep up with Shepard as she pulled more insistently on his wrist. She felt a familiar tingle of energy where her hand touched his skin, as his biotics flared in a mix of what she knew to be equal parts apprehension and anticipation.
Shepard had hastily claimed that she'd had too much to drink at dinner and had stolen away from the rest of her squadmates before they'd gotten a chance to follow. She dragged Kaidan along "for help." It wasn't just a lame excuse—it was no excuse at all. It made no sense. But she didn't care. If the others didn't know about the secret kisses and furtive glances she'd been sharing with Kaidan for the last few weeks, then they weren't up to the task of serving on her ship. They both knew it wasn't really a secret anymore, but the thrill of sneaking around was one of the few joys she allowed herself in the brief calm they'd been enjoying ever since the battle with Sovereign had ended.
They rounded a corner, entering an alleyway that was more secluded than the bustling path through the ward that they had been hurrying along moments before. Taking advantage of the relative privacy, Shepard pushed him roughly against the wall of the shop they'd stopped near. The entrance to Anderson's apartment building was only yards away, but she couldn't pass up the opportunity to get Kaidan flustered out in the open, with the threat of the others seeing them at any moment. She knew that the small fight Kaidan had been putting up was just a formality, just Kaidan being his usual gentlemanly self. He was shy about the prospect of the rest of the crew knowing their business, nervous at the thought of Anderson or some other Alliance authority finding out about their frequent . . . fraternization. Regardless, the darkness in his caramel-colored eyes reflected her own desire.
Standing on the tips of her toes to try and match his height, Shepard wrapped her arms around his neck and breathed into his ear, "I want you so bad right now, Alenko." She smirked with satisfaction as he shivered in response to her words and the heat of her breath on his neck. She trailed light kisses from the spot under his ear up to his jawline, prickly with stubble. Just how she liked it. Right as Shepard moved to bite that tortuously soft and full lower lip of his, Kaidan grabbed her gently by the shoulders and pushed her back, holding her at arm's length.
She strained against him, whining in protest, but he chuckled as he held her in place. "Shepard..." he began, his soft voice wrapping her in warmth even as he was trying to talk some sense into her. "You're drunk. What happened before Ilos was . . ."
"Fucking spectacular?" she suggested, flashing him a devilish grin.
"Yes," he agreed with a hesitant smile. "And the . . . tension between us since then has been difficult for me to manage. But I don't think we should do this. At least not here, not now. You're a war hero. People are constantly watching you, writing about you, talking about you. Your career is just getting started. You're a great soldier. You love your work and I love mine. Do you really want to risk sullying all of that for this?"
"It's not for 'this,'" she replied, taking advantage of his distraction to step forward and place her hand firmly between his legs, her breath catching at the feeling of his hardness, at the immediacy of his physical response as he leaned into her touch in spite of himself, a strangled groan escaping his throat. "It's for you," she added, her voice quiet, hesitant. She looked up and met his eyes, desperately hoping that her own weren't betraying the sudden surge of emotion she felt as she searched his face for a hint of the same.
She lifted her other hand and placed it against the side of his face. Trying to focus her brandy-muddled thoughts into a coherent expression of her feelings. He covered her hand on his cheek with his own and smiled tenderly down at her. She could feel tears prickling, threatening to fall, and she looked away quickly. "Hey," he said, concerned, pulling her closer. "What's wrong?"
"It isn't just about a secret romp in the dark corners of the Normandy for me, Kaidan. If I'm throwing away my reputation it's not for some distraction or release." She knew that she was treading on dangerous ground. Kaidan was right, of course. She was under more scrutiny than ever, and how unfair was that? She had been through the most trying ordeal of her life, and instead of being rewarded with happiness and the freedom to enjoy the peace she'd help to bring about, she felt more duty-bound and obligated to serve than ever before. She was a role model now. A household name. It took some getting used to.
In addition to the pressure and anxiety, she was constantly guilt-ridden. She woke up most nights screaming and sweaty, panting and gasping, trying to shake off the nightmares. Night after night, she imagined new and different ways that Ashley had died on Virmire after Shepard had chosen Kaidan, and left Ashley behind. Shepard had put personal feelings first. One of her squad, one of her friends had paid the ultimate price for her own silly romantic delusion that she and Kaidan could somehow be together. When it had come down to it, Shepard had been unable to face a future without Kaidan, a future in which she'd have to live with the guilt of making the call that ended his life. But a dark, malicious voice in the back of her mind reminded her that she had chosen Kaidan selfishly. Chosen him because of her feelings for him, feelings that had steadily grown over the course of months working by his side.
She had grown used to their easy conversations between missions, to the sight of him working hard on the ship, wiping a sheen of sweat from his brow before turning to flash her his winning smile. She had come to enjoy fighting alongside him, her need to keep him safe somehow adding extra adrenaline and focus in a tight spot. She loved watching him on the battlefield, his precise shot, the sheer power of his biotics. She would spring eagerly out of bed in the mornings to share a cup of coffee with him on the observation deck, looking out at the endless stars and feeling something close to contentment in his company. The thought of losing him made her almost breathless with dread. And on Virmire, right or wrong, she'd made the choice that prevented just that.
Back on the ship, the reality of Ashley's death weighed heavily on her shoulders. It was nearly unbearable. Her stolen moments with Kaidan were the only the ones keeping her sane. On the night that they'd made love, he told her that she made him feel human. Kaidan's affection for her was the only thing that made her feel human now; after leaving Ashley to die, Shepard felt nothing short of monstrous. She needed this closeness with him. Needed something to remind her what it had all been for. Every breath against her cheek, every reassuring beat of his heart that she felt against her own chest in the tightness of their embrace reminded her that whatever she'd lost, whatever she'd sacrificed, he was still there.
Kaidan interrupted Shepard suddenly from her reverie. Squeezing her somehow even closer, he whispered, "It's the same for me, you know? I care about you, too, Shepard. Probably more than you realize. In fact, I—" But she cut him off, wrenching herself from his embrace, quickly wiping tears from her cheeks and looking him square in the eye. She had a hunch that she knew what he was about to say, but she couldn't allow it. She couldn't, because she probably felt the same way, if she was honest with herself, and she simply couldn't get in that deep with Kaidan—with anyonefor that matter. People who got too close to her got hurt. That's just the way it was.
"Don't go getting all sappy on me, Alenko," she teased, hoping it sounded lighter and more genuine than she felt. She forced a sly smile, stepping slowly back toward Kaidan and grabbing his dog tags, dragging his face closer to hers. "Are we going inside or not?" she asked, jerking her head in the direction of the apartment entrance. He blushed again, but nodded his assent. "Good," Shepard said matter-of-factly, rising on her toes enough to give him a quick kiss on the lips. "Lead the way, lieutenant. I hate to see you go, but damn do I love to watch you leave."
Kaidan shook his head at her and laughed. "Is that an order, Commander?" he asked.
"You bet your ass it is," Shepard replied smoothly.
"Too bad," Kaidan said, without missing a beat. To her utter surprise, he leaned forward and scooped her up easily, carrying her toward the apartment like a groom carrying his bride over the threshold.
"Hey!" she screeched in protest. Shepard may have been small, but she was no damsel to be swept off her feet. She kicked fiercely, but Kaidan's strong arms held her effortlessly. He fished the keycard to Anderson's apartment out of the back pocket of her jeans with the hand that supported her bottom, and passed it to his other hand, his arm wrapped around her upper body tightly. He awkwardly managed to unlock the apartment, stepping through the doorway with Shepard still in his grasp despite her tantrum.
He looked down at her then, an amused smile on his face as he captured her protesting lips with his own. She decided she might just enjoy the closeness, leaning up and deepening the kiss. The heat of his skin on hers, the slight, static feel of their biotics interacting, the subtle scent of his cologne in her nostrils mingled with the taste of his favorite Canadian whiskey on his tongue. She almost gave in to the moment, practically melting in Kaidan's affectionate hold. Still, true to her rank, Shepard liked to be in charge. She pulled away slightly from his kiss. "Let. Me. Go," she demanded through clenched teeth.
"Never," he replied evenly, and she giggled in spite of herself as he carried her upstairs to the bedroom.
The next morning, Kaidan awoke to the sound of the alarm he'd set on his omni tool so that he and Shepard would have time to get back to the Normandy before arousing suspicion. He looked over at her sleeping form, smirking at the thought of the hangover she'd probably have today.
The night before had been one for the books. He sighed at the memory of her lips frantically crashing into his, the sweet taste of her when he'd kissed her between her thighs, the feeling of being inside her again, somehow even better than he'd remembered from that night before Ilos, and the sound of his name on her lips as she came undone, straddling him, one of his hands knotted in her wild, beautiful hair, the other poised over that sweet spot that drove her wild when he rubbed it. They'd finished together, at the same time. The first time he'd ever experienced something like that with a woman.
There was something remarkable yet indescribable about Shepard. He still couldn't believe his luck. How could the fierce, passionate, unbelievably sexy and capable Commander Shepard be interested in him? His troubled past, his frequent headaches and sometimes unstable biotics . . . none of it seemed to matter to her. Regs be damned, he was dangerously invested in this. He mentally kicked himself when he remembered that caught up in the booze and frenzy of the previous night, he's almost told her the depth of his feelings. But if he couldn't even admit it to himself, he sure as hell wasn't ready to confess it to her.
It didn't matter, though. He had chosen to remain on the Normandy, to continue to serve under her. They were leaving that morning for a relatively routine investigation of geth activity—no big deal. There would be plenty of time for the two of them to work out just what they had between them. One day soon there would be no new assignments looming on the horizon. Then they would have time to talk things out.
Until then, he decided, he would just enjoy the ride.
A/N: Hope you enjoyed the first chapter! Comments are always welcome!
