Hola! A quick one-shot. Fun to write, absolute non-sense.
I got the idea Tuesday morning, I wrote it Tuesday night. Niiice.
Enjoy :D
America just had to know. It was a matter of life or death. This mystery could not be looked over. And so, first thing in the morning, he took off to the other side of the world, with a pink box of x-small condoms--according to Russia, that is--under his arm.
"IVAN! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?" America had just broken through the door to the taller man's office, shouting as usual. Russia's violet eyes looked away from the paperwork, surprised to see America in his cold country.
"Aaaah! Yes, your order was quite hard to fulfill! We never had to produce such small sizes… I mean, 25 centimeters? Really?" Russia answered with a soft voice and smile on his face. America dropped the pink box and put his hands to his face, and started weeping.
"How… how is that… Stu-studies have shown… t-that the average size…
-But we are not the average human, Alfred…" Russia said, an eerie feeling surrounding him.
"I WILL… I WILL NOT BELIEVE UNTIL I SEE!" Realizing the huge mistake he did by saying that, the shorter man let out a gasp, eyes opening wide and words stuttering on his tongue. "N-no, no, wait Ivan! I did-didn't m-mean…"
Russia stood up, with an extremely creepy smile plastered on his face. "You asked for it Alfred… hohohoho" even his laugh was creeping America out. The poor man was still sobbing, aggravated by how this whole scandal was soiling his pride.
"NO! PLEASE! I BEG OF YOU IVAN! J-Just… keep it on.
-No, no, it isn't a problem, really! Why do you think I always wear this coat that goes down my knees, hmm?
-I-I thought… I thought you were fat.
-Not from the belly, no no no! It serves another purpose…" Russia removed his heavy tan clothing and threw it on the chair.
"WHAT THE FUUUUU!?" America quickly covered his damp eyes, so shocked by the obscene sight.
Too curious, he just had to peek through his fingers. The taller man was still wearing his pants, but a prominent bulge was apparent through the fabric, gracing the side of his left thigh… all the way down to his knees. Russia also seemed to have cramped in his pants two snowballs that he probably was keeping to create a Snowman later on. And of course, the blond man was still smiling.
"HOW I-IS…HOW IS THAT EVEN. I DON'T. YOU'RE A MUTANT." Tony the alien shook his head in agreement, his large red eyes wide open, apparently has shocked as his friend.
"This doesn't even make any sense. I must be dreaming… yes… this is a just a really terrible nightmare…" America closed his eyes and went silent for once. Russia was still smiling in silence, and Tony just stared at the protuberance. The silence lasted a few minutes, and realizing all of this really was reality, America opened his eyes and started crying again, his pride soiled.
"T-This is all… I… I cannot understand this… s-so… I'll leave now." As America picked up the precious pink condom box (Which he would never use, anyways) and turned his back to Ivan, the Russian man said, with his creepy smile, squinting eyes and eerie aura;
"Alfred… doesn't the saying goes, 'I show you mine, you show me yours'?"
Did you know? The longest human penis is 24.13 cm. (But that's because Ivan hasn't participated in the research.)
Thank you for reading. Reviews would be super-nice too!
