A Life Without You... Never

A/N Hello again readers of ! It has been a very long time since I last wrote fanfiction, but I finished Dragon Age Inquisition last week and have positively fallen in love with the game (And Cullen). After having spent my spare time on making a movie, a romance compilation and a music video out of the cut scenes (I'll add the links in my profile), I have now decided to go back to my original passion; writing! So here goes…. Let me know what you guys think


Synopsis: Bringing peace back to the world of Thedas did not come without a price for Shayenna Trevelyan. Burdened by her decision and the repercussions, she and Cullen have to put everything on hold once more as they try to find a cure for what ails the Inquisitor. Time slowly but surely ticking away their hopes and dreams of a future in each other's arms.


Chapter 1: Allow me this

*~*~*~ Cullen ~*~*~*

"What if I can't… Cullen, if I don't…"

"Maker, no. "Whatever happens, you will come back"

"I certainly hope so"

"The thought of losing you… I can't"

He had had her safe and sound in his arms only an hour ago, trying to wave away her concerns of failure. Words had seemed to fall short of the whirl of emotions that surged through him at the time. There was so much he still wanted to tell her, to let her know what she meant to him, but now it was too late and he knew it. The moment the mark on her left hand started sparkling with energy and the whole war room was shaded in a green hue he knew the moment he had been dreading for months had arrived.

"Corypheus"

The name fell from her lips as if it were bile, a foul name that belonged to a foul and dark creature, to have it spoil her soft and tender lips made him cringe inside. That the Maker had chosen her as His champion to save Thedas was both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand no other person could care for every living soul in Thedas as much as she did. It spurred her conviction of the cause – it is what made her the Inquisitor, the Herald of Andraste. And on the other hand it was because of her and who she was that he saw her title, her blessing and gift as a curse. Her kind heart rallied her to everyone's cause, great or small. She had been thrown to the wolves every day since she had stepped from the Fade, had witnessed so many horrors and still she pushed onwards, ever onwards… And now straight into the heart of danger, to the being that had now openly challenged Shayenna to come and stop him from swallowing the world with the Breach he had re-opened.

"When the time comes, you will be thrown into his path again. Andraste preserve me, I must send you to him."

He opened his mouth to tell her not to go, to stay at his side and be safe, but he had known all along this moment would come. He knew she was the only one who could stop him; it had to be her… Mind and heart warred as to which words they would let fall from his lips as he vaguely heard Leliana and Josephine question Corypheus' intentions beside him. He just held her bright blue eyes in his gaze, searching for a glimpse of his Shayenna beyond the Inquisitor's mask. He noticed only a flicker of fear among the otherwise determined pools of blue.

Another thing he admired and feared so about her; she would not hesitate to give her life for the people she loved and for the greater good. Admirable and righteous as it was, he wished only she would not continually tumble from one situation to the next where such sacrifices were a very real option.

"Inquisitor," His mind had won; the formal Commander Cullen Rutherford taking control of his words, "we have no forces to send with you – we must wait for them to return from the Arbor Wilds."

It would not dissuade her – he knew, but he had to try. Even if there was just the slightest chance she might not rush headlong into battle with that… Corypheus, he had to try. The response she gave was as expected however, dutiful and honorable as always, she would not hide from her responsibilities as Inquisitor.

"I must go now, before it is too late"

The feelings of dread started spreading through his chest again; he was all too aware of the fact she may never make it back. He noticed her eyes lingering on him for a moment before she turned and left the war room, leaving all three of them in the same painful awareness that all they had been working for, all she had been working for was now to come to a climax. It was to be all or nothing now.

The forces they had build, the alliance they had made and the influence of the Inquisition had all proven useful in the Arbor Wilds, when they had successfully thwarted Corypheus from seizing his prizes in the Temple of Mythal. But Corypheus had left them without an army on the brink of the final battle, most of the forces still lingered in the Arbor Wilds, fighting the remnants of the red templars. He intended this to be a battle between him and her, a final act of desperation to get what he wanted all along, even without all the aid they had denied him at every turn.

Cullen had faith in the Inquisition, in her… but the creature was monstrous, a would-be God, a being with powers and knowledge from the dawn of time and it made him fear for her.

"She will return" Leliana spoke softly to herself before she lifted her clasped hands to her forehead, reciting a prayer,

"And she will know no fear of death, for the Maker shall be her beacon and her shield, her foundation and her sword."

"The others will join her for certain, she will not be alone" Josephine said consolidating as she turned to Cullen and put a hand on his upper arm. It was as if she had been reading his mind.

It shook the Commander from his thoughtful stupor, "No, she won't be." He responded to Josephine's comment before following in Shayenna's footsteps out the door. He marched past Josephine's office straight into the main hall where he met up with Rylen, his second in command.

"Corypheus has played his final card. Gather what good men we have left to aid the Inquisitor and her company as they ride to the ruins of the Temple of Sacred Ashes."

"But what if we were to be attacked at Skyhold Commander, we are thin on men as it stands." Cullen had always appreciated his candor, it's what made Rylen best qualified to be his second in command. In the times Cullen was unable to perform his duties or was away from Skyhold, he could always rest assured they were in capable hands with him.

He could see Shayenna standing in the doorway to Skyhold's keep talking to Cassandra, Varric and Bull while working on her battle attire. Cassandra was nodding vigorously at whatever Shayenna was saying while Bull and Varric just quietly regarded her. She was pointing in various directions giving all three different commands so they could be ready to march as quickly as possible, he had no doubt. Though it took effort, he tore his gaze away from her and turned back to Rylen.

"If the Inquisitor fails to reach and defeat Corypheus, it will make no difference. Thedas is in her hands now; all we can do is give her the best chance she's got. Keep a few of the newest recruits here to defend Skyhold, it will have to do."

"Yes Commander, it will be done. They will be ready to depart with the Inquisitor." He struck his fist to his heart in salute while he bowed his head to Cullen and turned to leave, before he turned back hesitantly.

"Ser," his tone had softened and he seemed to search for the right words, "She is a capable woman, if anyone can do it and return to us, it would be her. Andraste walks at her side." Without waiting for a response he hurried to his task, walking the length of the main hall of Skyhold. He stopped briefly at Shayenna's side, said something that brought a small smile to her face, bowed and hurried down the stone steps.

She stood in the large doorway by herself, staring at the green swirl of doom that once again had taken place in the sky. Bull, Cassandra and Varric had gone their separate ways, most likely to do exactly as she had commanded them to. They were the only two souls in the main hall, which would have probably been the very first time since they arrived at Skyhold.

Usually it was a place they tried to avoid; a much too large amount of noble's ready to make acquaintance with the famed Inquisitor normally held up residence here. They would always meet on the battlements, where the wind would carry their words away without nosy ears picking up on them and high up on the walls, where peeking eyes could not see them. Now it was more likely the nobility was on the battlements to behold the hole in the sky and they were here.

Cullen rolled his eyes at the thought, he had never had any patience for the nobility of Thedas with their fleeting interests and superficial conversations. They would stand there now, feigning fear dramatically in their words while pointing excitedly at the hole in the sky. He wondered often how Josephine and Shayenna could suffer such dim-witted demanding people with a smile on their faces all the time. They did not live in the same world he did, a world where his men would suffer and bleed on their behalves, where she had suffered and bled for all of them. And now they stood on the brink of destruction, where she had to fight a would-be God... he wondered if they could even touch the ground long enough to grasp the concept of it all.

Whatever happens, you will come back

He repeated it over and over in his head, as if somehow willing it to be the truth.

He closed distance on her slowly, his heart pounding loudly to try and escape the claws of dread that held it. Words fell short once again, how was he supposed to say goodbye to her now, how was he to let her go and face that monster? He didn't even want to say goodbye, didn't need to… she was coming back! Right?

"I know you worry for me" She hadn't turned around, but she knew he was there.

"How can I not, you…" his voice trailed off.

"We both knew this day would come" she sighed, "it always feels too soon doesn't it, feels like we left things unsaid and undone"

"There is so much more to say and to do, but we will have time to do so." He wished his voice didn't sound as insecure as he spoke the words. His usual strong and commanding voice would have been better, but the whole situation had left him with a voice wrecked with emotions. It made him feel weak, helpless to stop the current of events taking place, so he took charge.

"I'm coming with you, I'll make sure you are able to close the Breach and defeat Corypheus"

She turned around at the announcement, "You're leaving your place Commander? What of all the people here? If Rylen and the remaining men are coming, you would be their last line of defense."

"My place is at your side" he responded firmly.

She smiled sadly before she wrapped her hands around him, intertwining her fingers lightly in the back of his neck and rested her forehead against his. Cullen was half a head taller as her, so she had to reach on her toes, but they had done it so many times now the movements were those of habit.

"I love you, you know that right?" she whispered tenderly to him.

"I love you too"

He could feel her hesitating as she held her breath for a while. "I would feel saver with you by my side, but if Corypheus harms you or holds you hostage against the fate of the world, I…. I would not be able to focus on what needs to be done…" she whispered softly.

"You would do what needed to be done; you'd do the right thing and save the people of Thedas. You would do your duty as Inquisitor."

She released her grip on his neck and took a step back, an incredulous look on her face as if he had just accused her of doing something downright awful. "You think I would just toss your life away, you think I could just do that and do the right thing?!"

Calmly he took a step forward before carefully putting his hands on her shoulders, "Just? Probably not… But if it was the other way around, would you tell me any different? I know if it comes down to it you would give your life for the people of Thedas. You wouldn't hesitate to do the right thing." …and I'd be alone in an empty world.

"I… but…" She struggled for words; she knew in her heart he was right as she resigned herself into his embrace, "it's not the same" she whispered in defeat.

Leaning his cheek down on the top of her head he hugged her tightly. "Allow me this, my lady - allow me to fight beside you at the final confrontation. Do not resign me to an agonizing wait at Skyhold. Allow me to watch your back and ensure you your best chance at victory. And when Corypheus falls and you close the Breach once and for all, allow me to take your hand and lead you safely back home." He paused for a moment, "And if you… if we are all to die… allow my last sight in this world to be of you."

She said nothing; she just remained in his embrace while nuzzling against the red and black fur that was ever present around his neck and shoulders, considering his words. After a few moments she took a step back to look up at him, their hands still holding. Cullen let her slip from his embrace without protest, but instantly missed her warmth and the smell of her so close against him. When he looked her in the eyes and saw them glistening with tears, he had to fight the urge to instantly lock her into his embrace again and soothe her pains away.

"We'll both make it back right? We'll all make it back safely… There is so much more I want out of life, so much more I want to experience with you."

The words rang with a sadness and purity that broke his heart. After all she has been through, Maker she deserves some happiness. He wasn't sure if he thought it as a statement or a silent prayer, but he knew it to be true as he pulled her back into a tight embrace she eagerly fell in to. She was a strong woman, a formidable one of heart and mind. She wore her Inquisitor mask well to the public, Josephine and Vivienne had taught her well. But right here, in his arms, she was just Shayenna - a woman who loved and feared for those she cared for like anyone else.

"Maker willing, there will be a whole life waiting for us when this is all over. He would not bring us together, only to tear us apart at the end of it all."

"I hope you are right" her near inaudible voice whispered as she clung to him tight.

Cullen was a man of faith, he trusted in the Maker and Andraste and he knew they would not put anything on anyone's path that they could not handle with good judgment and the strength they held in their hearts. Everyone has the tools to overcome their trials - he believed in that and it had been something that had pulled him through many ordeals. He had to believe she was meant to make it out of this, that they would have a life together, to believe anything else… he couldn't.