Hello! Thanks for stopping by! Lilliwyn is back with a story that has become the product of my latest Mass Effect Trilogy play through that I am hoping will help to move me away from the depressed state I am wallowing in now that it's finished. This story is inspired by a lullaby written by Billy Joel that is subtitled with the same name of this fic, since I think that it does a good job of summarizing the relationship between my Commander Shepard and her lover, Kaidan Alenko. This can be considered a four-shot. Each chapter, except for the first, either directly follows or occurs during each game in the trilogy and is inspired by a corresponding verse in the song.
This story is slightly AU to allow Shepard and Kaidan to have more time together. I will not really depict any of the particular endings that you can choose in the vanilla game or the Extended Cut (none of them make any sense and are waaaay too morally ambiguous. But I won't get into that here...) so if you wish you can imagine whichever ending you prefer. I may later write stories based on MEHEM (the Mass Effect Happy Ending Mod. Check it out if you haven't yet - it's good therapy for post-ending blues!) but this story will not.
Just a warning: this story is intentionally sad, and may be best experienced while playing Billy Joel's song on repeat and after reading the lyrics (which are not going to be posted here due to copyright issues), while having a box of tissues on hand, and eating chocolate. Lots of chocolate.
One foot in front of the other, Kaidan mentally told himself, forcing his legs to do what he ordered. Even after everything that had happened in the war against the Reapers, he felt that this, next to her memorial service after her supposed death three years ago, had to have been the hardest thing that he had ever done.
London was in ruins. The Reapers, even though they had been defeated, had done a good job of causing destruction and chaos. Bulletins lined the streets with pictures of missing loved ones, family members, and friends, hovels were being made out of the debris as shelters for the homeless, and the hungry wandered the messy streets, asking for money, for food, for anything that would help them get through the coming night. It was very sad to see the city in such disrepair, especially three months after the end of the war. It shouldn't have been that bad.
While the Alliance may have had trouble finding the funds, time, and resources to seriously begin to rebuild London, one thing they did not waste time to start on was a monument to their savior. That was where he was heading to pay his respects, to grieve, to feel closer to her... he actually couldn't exactly pinpoint why he felt he needed to visit it. A large part of him didn't want to go in fear of the pain it might bring, but he just knew that it was something that he had to do.
Kaidan sighed as he realized he had finally arrived. After that great effort to come back from that jungle planet he had contributed to and the hesitance that he had to overcome to visit, he had finally found his way to her memorial. The area was guarded by two alliance marines who stood at the entrance steadfast, holding ceremonial rifles at their sides. Clean concrete formed a paved circle that was surrounded by flowers of many colorful hues, causing an aromatic springtime scent to fill the air. The sound of bubbling water came from fountains that lined the opposite end of the circle from where Kaidan entered. There, next to the fountains, stood a marble statue of her. He wiped away his tears as he stood in front of the statue and shook his head. As much as it bore her likeness, it's stoic position of her standing in front of the Alliance flag did not even come close to portraying her beauty, her nobleness, her bravery, her loyalty, her compassion.
Her love.
The vid that played on a screen near the statue almost seemed heretical to Kaidan. It showed off her accomplishments during her life (or at least the ones that benefited the Alliance), talked about her history and upbringing, mentioned the lineage of service in her family, and declared that she was truly a hero without comparison, all while accompanied by the Alliance anthem. Kaidan had to stifle a scoff at it; not once did it describe what she was like or merit her for anything other than her own deeds. Kaidan knew that the makers of the vid had never known what she was really like or had seen the personal struggles that she had to overcome like the crew of the Normandy had seen, but those were the attributes that had really made everyone want follow Shepard; that made them believe that she could accomplish anything. The people that were worth following were not those that were without troubles but those that triumphed over them, and that was what made Kara so admirable.
He sat down on a nearby bench, laying down on the ground the flowers that he brought for her as he raked his fingers through his thick hair. How could she be gone? He could not wrap his head around it. It had taken the crew of the Normandy three months to make it back from the jungle world that they had found themselves stranded on after the final battle against the Reapers. The whole time he had motivated himself to keep going because of her – he had to get back to see her again. He knew that she had to still be alive. After all, she had died once but had defeated death, and came back with her guns blazing to defend those who could not defend themselves. But this time there was no Cerberus, no Lazarus Project to bring her back, even if there had been a body to work on. Why would she finally have fallen victim to death then, after everything they had been through, after defying all the other times when it should have claimed her? He couldn't comprehend it, couldn't understand it. She just could not be dead.
And yet, every other piece of evidence said she had to be. The monument had been erected instead of a grave simply because there was nothing left of her to bury. There was no corpse, no remains, no dog tags to recover to give to her loved ones. No one was quite sure what had exactly happened on the Crucible, but they were all sure that Kara Shepard had truly stopped the Reapers. They also were certain that what she had to sacrifice had cost her life, and that she really was dead this time.
Kaidan then knelt on the ground, balling his angry fingers into fists. Why did this have to happen? In his head, he had known that this war could take their lives from the very start. After all, all they were was human, and their enemies were so much bigger than they could ever be in so many ways. But she had been so strong, so skillful, so unstoppable against those that would oppose her, that he couldn't see how she could die. If anything, he was slightly concerned that the war would take his life, leaving her behind on her own. After the pain that he had experienced after Kara's first death three years ago - the very same pain that he was feeling now - he wouldn't want to allow the source of such sorrow. Nevertheless, he was hopeful all along for their chances. While worries would sometimes float in his head, he truly believed in his heart that they would finally be able to be with each other after the fateful end of the war. They had talked about settling down by the ocean on Earth, possibly in Vancouver near Kaidan's mother to help with the reconstruction effort, about the possibility of marriage, of starting a family, of having kids that might bear her sparkling violet eyes or his thick brown hair. And they would never have the chances he so believed they would have to act on their love for each other. They were now long gone.
"Why did it have to be you?" he whispered. If he had ever been presented with a chance to he would have gladly exchanged his life for hers, and it pained him to know that it had not been he who had died, but she who had been given the opportunity to give herself up for him. With a sigh to stifle the threatening sobs, he turned to the flowers beside him and grabbed them gingerly, placing them reverently in front of the statue. They were newly blossomed lilacs; a beautiful lavender color and sweetly fragrant, just in season there in London. They were Kara's favorite.
It was then that Kaidan saw a figure out of the peripherals of his bleary eyes who began to approach him. "Excuse me, sir. Are you Kaidan Alenko?" a woman's voice asked.
Kaidan turned, rubbing at his wet eyes at he faced her. She looked vaguely familiar, with a warm gleam in her eyes and a melancholy, yet friendly smile stretched across her face. Her light brown hair glittered with strands of gray which was pulled back in a bun, lightly disheveled by the warm spring wind. She seemed to be in her early sixties, but the sorrow that her face seemed to hide and her weary posture made her seem even older. The stress and sadness of the war must have aged her more than time ever could.
"Do I know you?" he asked cautiously.
The woman gracefully walked towards and sat down next to the him, carefully crossing her legs and spreading her skirt over her knees. "You don't know me, but I almost feel like I know you. Quite well, in fact." She wiped a tear away as she placed a small pot of her own, which was filled with lilacs as well, in front of the statue. "When Kara would call me she would talk about you quite often, and very fondly."
Kaidan began to move to stand. This was Kara's mother! "Captain Shepard! It's an honor to-"
"Now, there is no need for that." She motioned for him to sit back down. "I believe you outrank me, Major. Please, just call me Hannah. Besides, if things have gone the way that we would have wanted them to, I am sure that you would have become my son-in-law. You are the closest semblance of family that I have left."
Kaidan took his seat back next to her, suddenly shamed of his lack of consideration towards the grieving woman. Comforting words were more important these days than those unnecessary formalities. "I'm so sorry for your loss," he said, not sure of what other words he should supply. He couldn't imagine the pain that she bore towards the loss of her daughter.
"Thanks," she said softly. She began to nervously play with the hem of her dress. "This war has been too cruel, don't you agree?" She shook her head. "After after my husband's - John's death, she was all I had left. Now death has been sure to take her away as well. It is terrible for a mother to outlive her child; it's so unnatural. I always knew that it could happen since she joined the military, but there was nothing that I could do to prepare myself for it." She paused for a moment. "There is nothing else that she could have done to have made me any more proud or to bring me any more sorrow."
Kaidan wiped away again at the tears that began to force their way down his face. "If it is any consolation, she was an amazing woman. She was so brave."
"That she was." Hannah stood and traced the jaw line of the statue's face with a lone finger. She silently laughed, presumably at what lengths she was taking to feel close to her own departed daughter. She soon retook her place down next to him and sat. "She had the life she had always wanted, ever since she was little. She had always dreamed of having her own ship, of saving the galaxy, and of having someone to share it with." She smiled again at him. "What about you, Kaidan? Do you have any family left? Anywhere to go?"
"My mother, as far as I know, is still alive. I intend to go to Vancouver to look for her after some time spent here, but my father had gone MIA. There's little hope that he'll come back."
"I'm so sorry." Hannah produced a handkerchief out of her bag and dabbed at her eyes. "This war is altogether too cruel," she repeated.
Kaidan agreed.
"She spoke highly of you, my daughter did." The lady knowingly smiled at the man next to her, even through her tears. "She loved you, Kaidan. You were the driving force behind her, the hope that kept her going. You were the wind in her sails. I am so glad that she had you with her to the end."
Kaidan shook his head, hiding his moist eyes behind his arm as those unrelenting sobs began to take over his body. He simply couldn't fend them off any longer. "I'm so sorry," he said in between gasps for his sudden unsightly disposition. "God, I miss her so much."
"I know," Hannah said sadly. She moved closer to him and wrapped an arm around his shaking form. "I know, Kaidan."
They both stayed there together in front of the cold marble statue. He knelt there and sobbed, shedding many tears that he thought had long dried up since he had first heard about Kara's death a few days ago. While he would be too reluctant to let a stranger touch him in most other circumstances, he found comfort in Hannah Shepard's presence. She hugged him, cooing comforting words all the while, and he found himself unable to find a reason to move away from her. She was right. Next to his mother, who he wasn't sure was still alive or not, she was like family.
Finally, after a few very long minutes, he was able to calm himself, reducing the violent sobs to stubborn quivers and shallow breaths. He sat up, pulled his knees to his chest, and rested his chin on them so he could look at the older woman next to him. "I'm so sorry, Hannah. I -, well, I didn't know the extent of what had happened at the battle for far too long, since I was stranded on the Normandy on a faraway planet along with the rest of the crew. I didn't think that she would really have..." his voiced trailed off, unable to supply the strength to finish the sentence. "This all feels unbelievable. It's almost as if I'm in a bad dream that I keep expecting to wake up from."
Hannah nodded, communicating her understanding without the use of words.
"Kaidan, there's something that I need you to see." She rose from her spot before offering a hand to her new friend. "Shepard left something for you in my care before..." she shook her head as she helped him up. Kara's death must have been hard for her to speak of as well. "If you would come with me, I could give it to you."
Kaidan nodded and began to follow her. Kara had left something for him? His interest piqued at the idea of that. After being left with nothing but a strangely – even hauntingly - empty captain's cabin, he longed for something he could touch, something tangible that he could perhaps carry with him and keep for himself.
"I'll be glad to leave this place. This memorial doesn't do Kara justice," he said, referring to the clean, calm atmosphere that seemed so out of place while people continued to suffer outside of the memorial's walls.
"No, it doesn't."
It turned out that even in all of this wreckage Hannah had been assigned an apartment that was in a building that had somehow remained structurally sound so that she would have room to work and an environment to keep her safe in. While she claimed that the apartment had been looted and empty when it was given to her, she had acquired furnishings that she had been able to scavenge: a couch and a bookshelf lined with old paperbacks, a table with six chairs surrounding it, a desk which her console sat upon, a rug, and a few kitchen appliances that she had been able to fix. Boxes also laid in careless stacks in corners, datapads were littered on the kitchen counters, envelopes filled with paperwork were haphazardly shifted into piles on the table and desk, and unmade sleeping bags lined the floors that she allowed some of the homeless families to use. Despite the controlled mess, though, Kaidan did feel that he was able to breathe in this place. There he finally felt that he was really away from the chaos and sadness that lurked outside of Hannah Shepard's door.
"Don't mind the mess. In between time spent with my guests, on my work, and with Kara, I haven't been able to spend much time to keep this place clean."
Kaidan dismissed the apology quickly. He was just grateful for her hospitality and another friendly face; the mess didn't bother him. "Have you been helping with the reconstruction effort?" he asked.
Hannah nodded. "After helping with the Crucible it's all that I have been able to do. My old ship's crew, they're all gone. Even they couldn't stand against the Reapers. So, I have started doing the only thing that I know I can: helping others in my daughter's memory."
Kaidan nodded, making a mental note to ask how he could join her in that effort later. He knew he would need an escape from this ever pressing guilt and grief that he harbored over Kara's death.
Hannah led him down a hallway to a bedroom. Inside was a queen sized bed, a dresser, a nightstand, a mirror that had a crack in it, but was still usable. On top of the bed sat a box that was still sealed. Kaidan walked to it and sighed as he saw that his name was written on the box in a black ink; it must have been Kara's handwriting.
"You can stay as long as you want to if you need somewhere quiet to go through the box. Do you have a place to stay tonight?"
"I was planning on returning to the Normandy," Kaidan said as he began to open the box.
Hannah nodded. "If you find that you cannot return or that you do need a place to stay, my home will always be open to you, Kaidan."
"Thank you," he managed to voice before she left the room. He returned his attention to the box and its contents, neatly laying down the objects on the bed before he sat down.
He sighed as he took a look at the things that Kara had left for him. There laid a datapad, a couple of printed pictures of the two of them, a bottle of the perfume she would wear when they were off duty, a lock of her brown hair tied between a white ribbon, her Alliance blues. He carefully fingered each item, tears welling up in his eyes as he felt her hair, smelled the perfume; a nostalgic scent of lavender and vanilla. What he would give to have her back next to him!
He turned his attention to the datapad that laid on the bed. He carefully picked it up, almost afraid of what he might find recorded on it. He took a deep breath before he turned it on, bracing himself against the pain that he might find buried in its content.
Kara's kind face soon popped onto the screen. Her cheeks were covered with tears but she smiled all the same, her violet eyes gleaming with their usual determined sparkle.
"Hey Kaidan," she said. "If you are listening to this, then I am afraid that it means that I am gone, and you're still here. I have sent this to my mother, Hannah. Oh Kaidan, you will love her. I do know that she already loves you like she would her own son, and she hasn't even met you yet! I do hope that you both can help each other to move on. I fear for her as I do for you." Her smile soon faded and more tears began to well up in her eyes. A small, sharp sob escaped her lips. She briefly turned away from the screen, grabbing a tissue to dry her eyes with.
"Oh god, this is harder than I thought." She wiped away her tears before she started again. "Well, Kaidan, on this datapad I have stored a list of songs that become important to me during our time together. I hope that if you listen to them, they will help you remember the good times we had together, and not the bitterness of my death. I also left some pictures in the box, but I have always felt that music helps me to remember more of the important times than pictures ever can.
"Kaidan, don't dwell on the loss of me. Move on and find happiness." She smiled again. Tears fell out of Kaidan's eyes and he touched the screen, longing for nothing more than silk of her skin, the sweet music of her voice, her glittering eyes. "I'm sorry that I had to leave you like this, but it is only because I love you. I sacrificed myself so that you could live, and I would do it a thousand times over if I could. Please, linger on the happy memories, because those are the ones that matter, the ones that I remind myself of when I think that I can't go on. And they were all for you.
"I love you so, so much. Take care, Kaidan. Stay safe for me," she whispered before the screen went black.
The playlist that Kara had made for him flashed onto the screen next. Kaidan laughed through his tears as he read some of the titles: there was some jazz from singers long gone such as Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong, the stuff that they would play to relax to, to dance with each other to, or enjoy while sharing a bottle of wine. There was also some music that would fit better into a classic rock genre, such as The Eagles, The Beatles, Chicago, and one of their favorites, Billy Joel, or the "Piano Man." Kara admittedly had a strange taste in music and blamed it on her mother, who had played this old music for her since she was very young. Her family had enjoyed this music from the past mostly for its acoustic instrumentation and deeper lyrics, which were quite hard to find in the modern music of their generation. And Kaidan had found that he had grown to love it as well. Perhaps not for the same reasons that she did, but because it made him think of her.
Kaidan started to play the music but he paused before he began the first song. Would the memories that the music held bring pain or peace?
He took a deep breath. This was something that he would have to do, no matter what emotions it invoked in him. "For you, Kara," he whispered, overcoming his fear as he pressed the play button. He laid back on the bed, closed his eyes, and let his memories of his lost lover whisk him away from that place and on to simpler, better times.
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