Keeping Up Appearances

A/N: A random bit I came up with at 2AM tonight, concerning our two favorite wise men who are so neglected in this fandom. Hope you enjoy.


"Hello?"

"Lucius?"

"Alfred! Always happy to hear from you."

"Do you have a minute to hear an old man's woes?"

"As many minutes as an old man has left. Fire away."

"I'm worried about Bruce."

"I must say, if you were trying to surprise me…"

"Can't say I was."

"What is it this time?"

"It's his sleep."

"Be specific?"

"Specifically, its, ah, general lack of existence."

"…beg pardon?"

"He doesn't sleep, Lucius. At all."

"Oh, don't be jumping to conclusions."

"I've taken care of him from the day he was born, raised him as my own after his parents died, managed his estate when he disappeared for seven years, and now spend day and night covering for his double life so he can sneak out and play hero. Excuse me for feeling entitled to jump to conclusions about his behavior!"

"Now, I'm sure the situation isn't as extreme as you think. He leads a busy life-"

"Lucius. The poor man spends his nights knocking ruffians senseless."

"A worthy endeavor-"

"Spreading terror through the city."

"All as part of his overall goal-"

"Causing extensive property damage."

"For which he provides the city the funds to repair-"

"Dressed up as a bat."

"…

"Alright, Alfred, I'll admit, you have legitimate concerns. But you can't expect to live his life for him. He has to learn from his own mistakes."

"Oh, so it's you he's been quoting for his counterarguments!"

"…sorry?"

"He won't let me tend to his injuries. He wants to do it himself."

"So he can 'learn from his mistakes'?"

"Precisely."

"…look, maybe you should…let him have some more leeway. He is thirty years old, after all."

"Let him have leeway? If I gave him any more, he'd be pulling punches with the mafia in broad daylight as we speak, and we'd never hear from him again."

"How are you certain that he doesn't ever sleep?"

"He's out and about all night. He's barely in the bunker for a quick sandwich (if he remembers to eat) before he starts his day with you, and as soon as he's back from work, he's either in front of his monitors or doing more bloody pushups! Then he eats again (if he remembers), and leaves for the night."

"And you're sure he never catches a nap in between?"

"If he were ever home long enough, he might. But he never is. Not while I'm around, at least."

"Well, maybe you should follow him to Wayne Enterprises one day."

"To what purpose? Why are…why are you laughing?"

"Oh, it just dawned on me why I'm not as concerned about his sleep as you are."

"Do tell."

"Because he sleeps all the time here at work!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Alfred? Are you still there?"

"…"

"…are you alright?"

"…"

"May I ask what that thumping noise is?"

"That, Mr. Fox, would be the sound my forehead makes when it meets with the surface of my desk."

"I see."

"…"

"…should I be concerned?"

"…I'm going to hang up now. Clean the penthouse twice. Then make myself some tea and watch reruns of Keeping Up Appearances until he comes back home."

"I'll leave you to it, then. And Alfred?"

"Yes?"

"May I recommend some aspirin to go with that tea?"

"What a novel thought."

"Always a pleasure."

"Likewise."