Title: Seeking Solace
Fandom: SVU, Alex/Olivia
Rating: PG-13
Words: ~2300
Notes: Written for the Seeking Solace challenge at cabensonfanficchallenge tumblr
Notes 2: feedback is always appreciated, really. :)
Seeking Solace
It was only Alex's fifth case with the squad.
But it was her first loss.
When the verdict had been read, Alex's stomach bottomed out.
When the mother of the young victim had asked Alex what she was supposed to tell her daughter, Alex had no answer.
When Elliot mumbled a half-hearted platitude of 'We'll get him next time', Alex's heart clenched, realizing that there would be a next time.
Because they failed to punish the defendant for this time. Because she failed to punish him. At least that's how she felt.
Of course, two days earlier when some key evidence had been thrown out, she had taken her frustration on the detectives who had gathered that evidence. She knew that the search had been in good faith and that the detectives had done everything by the book and had done nothing wrong. It wasn't their fault. It wasn't Alex's fault. The defense attorney was just able to technicality-his-way out of it. That was the system.
And, well, sometimes the system sucked.
So she found herself in an empty courtroom, the defendant giving a press conference on the steps outside, a family left in ruins, and at least one of her co-workers still holding a grudge for the unfair dressing down Alex had given her a couple days ago.
Fuck.
Alex had then sequestered herself in her office but that didn't allow her to escape a biting comment or two from her boss. Still, she stayed there until long after quitting time, hoping work would push away the nagging doubts in her head. It didn't. Maybe alcohol would.
She ordered a Cabernet and settled into the bar stool, looking forward to the anonymity and space most bars provided those looking to wallow in self pity. When the wine was delivered and she tried, to pay, however, she was informed that the gentleman at the end had already paid for her drink. She looked up and over at him. He gave her a smile and started heading her way.
No. Just no.
"Never mind," she told the bartender and left.
She didn't feel like trying another bar, and she wasn't one to drink alone. A walk, perhaps; let the sights and sounds of New York sooth her.
It might have worked, too.
If it hadn't started raining.
Hard.
Like hard hard. Pouring. One of those freak New York rains where it's fine one moment and buckets of water are being poured on your head the next.
Fucking of course.
She ducked under an awning. Too late, as her clothes were already soaked through, but at least it gave her a moment to think what to do next. And that's when she realized where she was: about a block from Olivia's apartment.
Alex knew where it was only by chance, really. She'd been there once before; she'd picked the detective up on the way to New Jersey for an extradition hearing one morning.
She hadn't consciously come here. But here she was.
She debated with herself. Part of her wanted to hail a cab and tell it to take her to some random place in Brooklyn, drop her off, and force her to figure out where she was and how to get home.
Part of her wanted to check into a random hotel, screw her 'not one to drink alone' mantra with a bottle of wine, and just hide from the world. But part of her… part of her wanted to walk the last block of this journey.
Part of her wanted to acknowledge to Olivia that she was out of line for giving Olivia a hard time about the search, to apologize for losing the case, to confess that she was not only not used to losing but she was not used to the emotional impact on others her losses had, and to ask the detective how she does it, case in and case out, how she manages to keep going.
Yes, part of her wanted that.
But part of her also just wanted to see the detective.
Part of her wanted the detective to tell her it was going to be okay.
Part of her wanted to be comforted by the detective, with kind words, with a kind look, with maybe even a simple hug.
Part of her wanted that badly.
And she didn't really want to think about why that was.
Right now, she just knew she wanted some solace. Knew she needed some solace. And though she didn't understand yet why, she knew there was one and only one person who could provide it.
She peeked out from under the awning at the sky. It was still raining but not as bad. And besides, it's not like she could get much more soaking wet than she already was, anyway, right?
So, decision made, she ducked her head and left the shelter of the awning and headed towards Olivia's.
Olivia had been sitting on her couch, under a light blanket, reading a book, listening to the rain, trying to find some comfort in the simple things in life. It hadn't been the best of days; hell, it hadn't been the best of weeks. Some quiet down time was definitely called for.
She had just started a new chapter, however, when she was startled out of her peacefulness when the grating sound of her door buzzer sounded in the apartment. She frowned and just waited a moment, not moving from her position. No one she knew was coming over. Whoever it was must have hit her button by accident. She bent her head back down and started reading where she'd left off, but just as she did the buzzer sounded again.
With a minor amount of annoyance, she hoisted herself off the couch mumbling, "Alright, alright, I'm coming, I'm coming," Getting to her front door she hit the talk button, "Yes?"
"Olivia?"
The voice was familiar. It was distinct. But she didn't really believe that it could be who it sounded like.
Olivia must have remained silent just long enough because the voice started speaking again, "It's Alex… Cabot."
Olivia was at a complete loss. The last time she'd spoken with the attorney it hadn't been particularly cordial and she couldn't understand why Alex would be here now; though Lord help the attorney if she came here to yell at Olivia again for the loss today.
So, not really knowing what to say, Olivia simply buzzed the attorney in. She then waited by the door, stewing more and more as the seconds ticked by, her mind getting geared up for another fight, more and more certain that's what this unexpected visit was about.
When Olivia heard the soft knock, she practically threw the door open, ready to meet the attorney with a steely gaze, ready to match whatever guilt trip Alex was ready to literally dump at her doorstep. She was just about to snarl out, "What do you want?" when she actually saw Alex.
And that stopped her short.
For standing in her apartment building hallway was not the Alex she was used to seeing. No.
This one was dripping wet, had matted hair, slumped shoulders, and was shivering.
In a word, the attorney looked pathetic.
All thoughts of fighting left Olivia and instinctive protectiveness took over. "Alex?! What the… good lord, what happened to you?" Olivia reached out and quickly ushered Alex into her apartment, shutting the door behind her. "Are you okay!?"
"I'm… fine," Alex got out, suddenly feeling like this was a bad idea, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…"
Olivia waved off any apology, interrupting the blonde, "Are you okay?" she asked again, looking into the attorney's face with seriousness and concern.
Alex was a little startled by the intensity in Olivia's expression and it was a stark reminder of the kinds of things the detective dealt with every day. Now Alex felt really bad for showing up at Olivia's door like this. "I'm fine, Olivia, honestly, thank you. Just…" Alex looked down at herself then back up at the detective, "Just a little wet."
Olivia exhaled a bit, relieved nothing was really wrong, and also looked the attorney up and down, "More like completely drenched!" she replied with a rueful smile. "Jeez, wait right here…" Olivia took off in the direction of the bedroom calling over her shoulder, "I'll bring you some towels. Take your jacket off…"
"Olivia you don't have to…" Alex was feeling worse and worse. What had she been thinking when she came here?
"Take your jacket off!" was Olivia's only response to the attorney's protestations.
Alex was a little startled by the order but didn't know what else to do other than what she was told. As she heard the detective rummaging around in a closet somewhere, Alex gingerly removed her jacket, trying not to get too much water everywhere. Olivia returned moments later and handed Alex one towel and wrapped the jacket in the other, taking it to the bathroom and hanging it up over the shower rod to dry. She then returned to the front door.
"Your clothes are drenched, too!" the detective then observed. Olivia just shook her head slightly, "Take your shoes and socks off," she instructed.
"Olivia, no, really, I'm fine, I should go…"
Olivia had no idea why Alex had shown up on her doorstep in the first place, and no idea why she was now trying to leave. However, Olivia *did* know that there must be a reason. And she intended to find out that reason. But that was only secondary to getting Alex dried off and warmed up. "Counselor," Olivia purposefully used Alex's title, "I know you lawyer types like to argue and all, but do me a favor and don't argue with me now, okay?" The detective's words were softened with a small crooked smile.
Alex didn't know this yet, neither of them did, but time would prove that she'd never be able to resist that crooked smile.
The attorney exhaled "Fine," she rewarded the detective with a small sly smile of her own, "But just this one time.
Olivia chuckled, neither of them consciously realizing how easily and naturally they fell into such teasing and banter, but both unconsciously feeling emotionally lightened by it.
Then, with Alex more compliant and in bare feet, Olivia got the attorney into her bathroom with another dry towel as well as a pair of thick socks, some sweatpants, a t-shirt, a sweatshirt, and instructions to change out of her wet clothes and into the warm, dry clothes Olivia had provided.
By the time Alex emerged, Olivia had made them coffee and insisted Alex sit down and get under the blanket to help warm up. With little other choice, Alex, again, did as told; gratefully accepting the hot mug when Olivia offered it.
The detective then sat on the other end of the couch and pulled her feet up under her. "So," she started, "What happened tonight?"
Alex knew that was Olivia's way of simply opening the door for Alex. No pressure, no expectations, no accusations. Just 'tell me a story'. And Alex appreciated it.
The attorney looked for several seconds into her coffee cup, trying to think of what to say, trying to think of how to say it. She looked back up at Olivia. "Are they all this hard?" she asked.
Olivia's heart melted a bit. She hadn't thought Alex was as icy as everyone else seemed to believe, but on the other hand, she hadn't yet seen a crack in that cool exterior before. Not until now. "Not all of them," Olivia replied softly.
Alex nodded to herself and looked back into her coffee cup. "Does it get easier?" she then asked quietly.
Olivia considered for several seconds, wishing her response was different, but wanting to be honest. "Not really," she answered.
Alex's head came up; that was not the answer she had expected or hoped for.
Olivia saw the look of distress on Alex's face and that's not really what she had intended. "But you learn to live with it," she continued. "You learn to carve out a piece for yourself. You learn to appreciate the good around you to offset the bed. And when that doesn't work, you learn how to step away when you need to."
Alex swallowed and looked away again, mulling Olivia's words. "Is it worth it?" she finally asked, once again bringing clear blue eyes to meet Olivia's dark brown ones.
They stared at each other for several minutes, the question hanging between them.
Finally Olivia tilted her head just a fraction to the side, "You tell me."
Alex thought. She thought about what it would have felt like to hear 'guilty' rather than 'not guilty'. She thought about how it would feel to finally nail that bastard one day. She thought about all the victims who wouldn't be victims because of the bastards she'd already nailed. She nodded slowly, "Yes it is," she replied to her own question.
"Yes it is," Olivia repeated with a small nod of her own.
Silence descended upon them then for several minutes. Both of them strangely comfortable simply being with the other, strangely comforted. Kindred spirits.
Finally Olivia broke the silence. "Can I ask you… I mean, it's okay, I don't mind, but… why did you come *here* tonight? Why me? Why not… I don't know, Donnelly perhaps?"
It was a fair question. "Honestly, Liv, I don't know," the detective's nickname flowed easily from Alex's tongue, "I just… I just wanted to talk to someone. And I thought you'd understand, better than anyone else."
Olivia smiled a small smile and reached out a hand, laying it on top of Alex's hand briefly, "I'm glad you came," she said quietly, sincerely. Because she *was* glad. Olivia wouldn't have expected it, but it turned out that having Alex here, on her couch, in her apartment, in her space, comforted Olivia probably as much as it comforted Alex.
Alex smiled back, moisture inexplicably gathering in her eyes, "Me, too," she whispered back.
