Steve choked back tears as he stared at the contents of the file in front of him. He'd been brought up with the belief that a real man must be strong and was determined not to let his emotions win out. This was a battle Steve faced everyday since he'd woken up in a new era, his mind constantly flickering between confusion over the society he now found himself thrown into and the pain over having lost everyone he loved and cared about. It was easy to forget what he'd lost as long as he kept busy but, sitting at his dining room table, finally knowing how many of his friends were now dead and realising that some had died from old age really told Steve how alone he truly was in this world. Upon reaching Peggy's information he let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding; she was alive. The paper had come with her contact information and his eyes had briefly flicked to his phone before he thought better of it. It pained him to think about how old she'd be now, to think she'd not be as he remembered her to be, that she had moved on and shared a life with another man. He felt selfish thinking only of himself, but he didn't have someone looking out for him anymore, he was alone. Steve winced at his last memory of the one person he truly believed had his best interests at heart and shook his head in the hope he'd finally stop thinking about it.
With tears stinging his eyes, Steve grabbed his jacket and keys and stormed out his apartment. As the door slammed he desperately inhaled, hoping an intake of air would calm him down. It was impossible for him to stay in that apartment for a moment longer. He found himself wandering around Manhattan, an act that was not helping his hungering for his own time back. He passed by many people talking about things he didn't understand, using lingo he couldn't decode. Steve began to regret his choice of escape; this certainly was not helping him feel better about his situation.
He finally decided reached his chosen destination. Looking up through a gap in the nearby office blocks Steve had an almost perfect view of Stark Tower; the brain child of the closest living relative to any of the men he had known. Glancing around he found a spot outside a café that gave him an even better view of the overbearing skyscraper. He found himself drawn to the tower despite how hideous he found its appearance. It made sense to Steve that Howard's son had created something so innovative yet so domineering; Howard had been just as flashy with his inventions, why would his son be any different? He felt time with his father must have shaped the man Anthony was.
Steve began absent-mindedly sketching his view; the artist in him couldn't help it, besides it was calming. A young waitress attempted to initiate conversation with him, but he simply found himself even more confused and, never mind what the older gentleman at the table next to him said, was not interested in pursuing the girl further. She was pretty and seemed pleasant enough, but Steve was damaged and he couldn't help but feel that she just wouldn't be the type of woman he could be attracted to should he reach a point where he felt comfortable initiating a relationship with someone. He left abruptly, catching the subway to an old school, hole-in-the-wall gym he'd been informed of the location of by S.H.I.E.L.D. He signed up for a membership, hoping that he was able to forget what he had been through by repetitive work-outs, beating the hell out of punching bags until the sand spewed out the side. He began to beat his frustrations away with rhythmic punches, thankful that the owner had asked few questions about why he wanted the gym to himself after closing time, hearing the word "soldier" and seemingly understanding the need for something to heal a man damaged by war. He'd barely spoken to Steve, only to give him some keys and a card "in case he wanted someone to talk to that would listen". Steve hadn't given it a glance, but found himself intrigued by what the burly man felt could possibly help a hopeless case by him. Sweat bleeding into his eyes, he pushed away the hair falling over his face and reached for the towel to mop his brow and walked over to his bag to pull out the rectangular piece of card out of one of the pockets in his bag. Eyes glaring at the words in front of him, Steve tried not to be angry at the man's suggestion that a shrink of all things was what he needed, but he couldn't help but remember how he'd always been brought up to believe a man should be. He didn't need some head doctor who knew nothing of what he had seen telling him how to feel and he certainly was not about to begin spilling his innermost thoughts to some stranger, especially given the secret Steve held. Yet Steve began to think. He thought of the horror he had seen during the war, of everything and everyone he had lost and he realised that he could think of nothing else that could possibly help him. If he continued to bury it like the men of the forties had then surely he would only end up permanently damaged. He pictured himself in the future, sticking to the same routine of solitude and senseless destruction of punching bags. Steve shook his head: he couldn't let that happen, couldn't allow this second chance he had been given to go to waste. He still wanted what he always had, a settled lifestyle, a family, someone to share his life with; the right partner. Hadn't he said to Peggy that he was waiting for the right person for him? Maybe she hadn't been what he needed, what he was waiting for, no matter how he thought he had felt about her at the time.
Steve glanced at the card again and stuck out his chin defiantly. It no longer mattered what he had been taught about being a man in the forties. This was a new time; men had to be different now. He could talk about how he felt, the horrors he had seen, so long as he did not give away which war he'd fought in. It'd require him to lie, something an honest man like Steve was no good at, but surely he could manage a small omission of truth. If he was to grab this chance he had been given and run with it, then he had to at least try everything he could to get over his inner demons, he couldn't offer any woman anything with the state of mind he had now. If he was to find his life partner then he had to do something. He would start with Dr Jeffrey Banks.
