Mother and Father,

I can only hope that this letter reaches you before the officials do. But before I break what I hope you do not know I feel that I must start from the beginning. I arrived at the western front months ago. I have not written because I know not what to say. I feel now however, that what happens here at the trenches should not be kept secret. I regret to inform you that what I think of home now is a small space we call a dug out that lies just underneath the trenches away from bombings. I can no longer think of you as my family. As soon as I got onto the field I only had the soldiers that stood by my side just as miserable as the man before him. They are my everything. We man machine guns together, shoot Frenchies together, we stand together.

The smell of hundreds of men is horrific. Aunt Elizabeta would have had a fit. And it rains all the time here forcing us to shower so Uncle Govert would be pleased. The rain comes with a hefty price, trench foot. A squalid condition that rots the flesh.

Of all the horrible conditions in the trenches there is one bright spot. Ludwig, Feliciano, and myself have all been placed in the same toon. It is also my biggest regret that I was with them. In some ways I blame myself. Rations here are small and the men are men. There is simply nothing to go around, and if there is, it is the most delicious thing I can imagine. It is the same with the rifles. We are stripping dead men for their weapons and if you lose yours then you are a dead man.

It was the rifle shortage that broke down what little hope I had at the beginning of these long months. I can barely bring myself to write about the event that finally made me realize that this war was lost. We were retreating from another onslaught and were almost to the trenches. Feliciano dropped his rifle in his haste to avoid the gun fire…and went back for it knowing the consequences if he didn't retrieve it. Forgetting the consequences if he did. Ludwig was out of the trenches as soon as he heard the scream. I didn't know what to do, but follow him. By some miracle of God we survived any bullets and dragged Feli into a muddy pit smack in the middle of no man's land.

It was the worst place for us to be. This bomb crater was already occupied by a dead man covered in flies which also meant, rats. You think you've seen a rat before? Not like these demons. Their eyes looked as though they had been filled with the blood of the man rotting away before our eyes. Fur thick and healthy from feasting upon the decaying flesh. This war is a feast to them. They will eat anything, dead or alive. It had also just rained which meant, mud. There is no escaping it. It clings to your hair, legs, and boots; ever present. Feli had been shot in the leg much to our distress. We wrapped it as best we could, but he was losing mass amounts of blood. I wish I could tell you that his and Ludwig's passing was quick and painless, but I cannot lie to you. It is better to die knowing than not.

Gas, the most horrible invention that has seen the battle field. A very horrendous way to die. Which is why I did what I thought was best for mein bruder. Feli needed help and quickly, but there was no way to get him a medic. He died from blood loss in Ludwig's arms. All around us we heard the sound of guns die down, and that meant one thing, gas. I reached for my gas mask and pulled it on pushing down on it in fear of leaks. Mein bruder did not do the same. From what I could gather, he had not noticed. I looked up and saw the wall of white death falling upon us. By the time he noticed it was too late.

His coughs will haunt me for the rest of my life, as did my next decision. I picked up my rifle, my stomach in my shoes. And put him out of his misery. A clean shot. I could never let him die in such an inhumane way. He said he would stay by my side. Why, didn't he keep his promise? He always keeps his promises.

I couldn't stay in that crater a second longer, so I ran. I was in such a rush to get away from that crater that I scratched my arms and legs repeatedly from the barbed wire that protects our trench. I made a dive for the trenches. I made it. It's not fair. Why should I live when they are dead? I was accepted with open arms and hustled into the dug out. No one questioned my tear stricken face.

I walked in a haze past the shell shocked or wounded soldiers to my bunk near the back that I shared with Ludwig and Feliciano. That I used to share. A new recruit sat on the lower bunk across from me scratching his head from what I assumed to be lice. At first he respected my grief, but then he said something that has stayed with me since. "You lost someone." He said looking over his glasses and into my eyes. "Imagine if mankind reached for the stars instead to trying to annihilate each other. What we could accomplish…" We are good friends now. I wish in some ways that he had never said anything to me, because now I can't stand to lose him either. I can't lose anyone else, it would break an already cracked glass.

I am no longer counting the days till I return to you, rather the days that I will return to mein bruder and Feli. The day I can finally find peace with myself.

Auf Wiedersehen,

Gilbert

Mien bruder: My brother

Auf Wiedersehen: Goodbye