So I was listening the these are the lies by the cab when I suddenly realized that it could be a premise for a very angsty fic, and since I've been meaning to write some Kalex I thought to myself fuck it and wrote it. I feel like it sucks, but whatever. Anyway first chapter is about Alex, second will be Kara's, and the third will hopefully be a happy ending for them both...maybe. Comment/review and send me prompts, I need them! Also let me know about any errors, thanks!
Ever since Kara became Supergirl, Alex and her have been spending more time together. Their relationship had suffered when Alex had left for college, and especially when she joined the DEO. Their relationship has never stopped suffering, though, and at this point its nowhere near how it had been when they were young and foolish. The reason for all this stress on their relationship is because of the lies she tells herself.
Alex knows its fine though, that she can live without Kara. She knows she's fine with just being friends and nothing more, not even best friends. She knows that she doesn't think about Kara every night. She knows that she's never cried about everything at night. She knows that sleep isn't difficult just because she's not with Kara. Knows that dying in the field without Kara is fine.
But that's the thing…these are the lies she tells herself at night and every damn day, and they're the only reason she's gotten this far.
Alex is on the phone with Kara during her second year of college when she realizes it. She's not Kara's best friend anymore, not her sister, she's just her friend. It's on the phone, talking about school and life, that Alex realizes that what she knows about Kara is what any friend would know about.
Kara tells her, "I'm really loving gardening club, Alex."
And Alex has one thought, She likes gardening? Suddenly the realization hits her, she doesn't know anything about this Kara. The Kara who goes to high school alone, who doesn't have Alex with her. The Kara that is living her life, a life that Alex knows nothing about.
The elder Danvers tries her best, tells herself that its fine, she'll be fine without Kara. She continues the conversation and chants to herself, its fine, its fine, its fine. She tells herself over and over again that being friends is fine, she call live with that.
These are the lies that she acts are truth.
And so she says goodbye, hangs up, and grabs a bottle of her favourite Whisky. She pours herself a healthy—not really—amount, and nods. She's okay with them just being friends. It's okay, its fine, she can live without Kara. She can.
Alex takes a huge gulp of the liquor in her hand and ignores the knowing voice in the back of her mind, these are lies, all lies. But…these are the lies that keep her from ruining her life someway, somehow. And so, Alex drinks until she can no longer think about Kara and their relationship.
It's a week after the friends only realization that another revelation hits her. She's been trying to ignore the sudden ache in her chest she's been feeling since the phone conversation, ignoring everything about herself except for school. But after a week, a trend becomes apparent.
Every night she's gets to her room and changes and gets ready. Every night she lies in bed and tries to fall asleep. Every night she thinks about Kara. Whether it be about their first meeting, the first time Kara smiled, their first touches, first hug, first declarations of sisterly love. It doesn't matter what she thinks about, just that she does.
Every night from then on is spent thinking about Kara, sometimes in ways that Alex chooses to ignore. Has to ignore, if only for the good of not only herself but Kara. But the thoughts keep coming, her love for Kara, all their conversations, the times Kara has talked about Krypton, everything. Not a single moment between lying in bed and falling asleep is not occupied with thoughts of Kara.
But she ignores it, all of it. Tells herself that she doesn't really think about Kara, that she'd just worried for her. Tells herself that their just filler thoughts, not something she really consciously thinks about. Tells herself over and over again that she's fine. She's fine without Kara, she doesn't need Kara.
Every time she thinks about her foster sister, she tells herself, its fine. It is fine, and she doesn't think about Kara every night. Except she knows, in the back of her head, that she does. That these are just the lies that she tells herself. Lies that keep her from drowning in how not fine she is. And from then on, Alex always needs liquor of some type before she falls into bed.
After a while, her life declines in its horribleness. She can't seem to pay attention in class, her thoughts always drifting to places she denies to herself of ever thinking about. She takes twice the time to do her assignments even though she understands everything perfectly. And suddenly she stops sleeping.
Her school work runs into the night, her eyes always with bags underneath them. Her thoughts before bed turn dangerous, and then she can't close her eyes. Images assault her when she sleeps, and suddenly it's not an option.
Suddenly, she's spending more time out. She's drinking more, and never closing her eyes. Stops thoughts of her foster sister before they can get far, and never lets herself relax enough to fall into a deep enough slumber.
Alex tells everyone that its fine. Tells herself the same thing everyday, every night, every moment of her life. She tells people she's moving on from whatever it is thats plaguing her. Chants to herself that it's okay, everything is fine. Ignores the restlessness the always feels when she's reminded of her other half not being there with her…of her other half just being a friend.
She's fine, she's moving on, and she is. With drinks, and studying, and all nighters, and people…but she's moving on and she is fine.
There's always that lingering thought, though, these are all lies. But she ignores it, as she always does when it comes to truth and feelings and Kara. The lies pile up, the lies are all she has.
Graduation is approaching and her drinking gets heavier. She can't go a day without a drink, usually takes another shot when certain thoughts appear in her head. She talks to Kara over the phone and takes a shot. She goes outside and sees siblings and couples smiling and takes out her flask. She goes to bed, thoughts assaulting her, and all she does is take another sip of her drink.
Every moment alone is a reunion with salty tears. Every night as her mind comes up with certain thoughts, she cries. Every time someone asks how Kara is doing, she goes to a bathroom and cries. Every time she sees two sister, a couple, hears about any type of love between two people, she goes to her room and sobs.
She knows she does it, knows that anything that reminds her even slightly about a certain Kryptonian results in salty water dripping down her cheeks. Thoughts, things she hears, things she sees, if they resemble anything about a specific alien at all, she sheds multiple tears.
And yet, she ignores it all. She doesn't cry about her. She has never seen a single tear in her eyes about a specific someone. No matter what reaction she has, Alex goes on and on about how she's fine. Tells herself that their tears of stress, tears of joy, tears of anything but Kara. Every tear spilled ends with a promise to herself, that any water shed from her eyes are about herself and nobody else.
But, of course, these are just lies that she tells herself. Lies that she always will tell herself. At this point, anything and everything she knows about herself is a lie. She knows it, she ignores it, she's fine. These lies are what keep her going, nowadays.
One night she drinks too much, one night a few hours of partying go downhill. She drinks and drinks and drinks, and even though she has learned to hold her liquor extremely well by now, she goes too far. After the conversation she recently had with Kara over the phone, Alex took it all a step in the wrong direction. And because of that, she got arrested.
Alex knows she should have called for a taxi or something, but instead she tried to drive in her own car while heavily intoxicated. She could've died if she actually got to driving, and the thought puts her heart though the wringer. She could have died without Kara, she would've been gone.
Suddenly, a man is on the other side of the bars. Suddenly, Hank Henshaw is offering her a job, asking her to work for a secret government operation. She's got a job offer, and if she takes it, she gets to protect Kara more then ever before. She takes it.
They tell her what she'll be doing, tell her she could die at any moment in the field. She nods along, tells them and herself that its fine. Says she's okay with dying for the cause. Tells herself that dying with Kara as her friend, as someone who isn't ever with her anymore, is completely and totally fine.
Alex trains with the DEO, goes out and fights aliens, and almost dies multiple times a week. She tells herself every morning, every time she has a near-death experience, every night, that she's fine dying without Kara by her side. Goes about her life knowing death could be just around the corner, and ignores the ache in her chest when she thinks she's at her last moments. Ignores that dying alone, dying without her, tears Alex apart.
She ignores all the pain from her thoughts, and tell herself, it's going to be fine dying without Kara. Tells herself she's fine with dying alone, that she doesn't need the Kryptonian. Tells herself that she's gone and has left Kara behind in terms of her feelings. It's going to be fine, dying without her.
Lies, lies, and more lies. These are the lies that she tells herself, and these are the lies that keep Alex from staying behind at base while others risk their lives. She lies to herself too much now, but it's the only reason she's such a good agent. So Alex ignores everything and just lies.
Kara became Supergirl, and suddenly their time together was increasing. Kara worked with the DEO and Alex would see her every single day. Ignoring her feelings got harder, especially with James Olsen on the scene. Her foster sister hadn't even been a superhero for more then a month when Alex got the news.
Kara and James got together, and now she's dating Superman's best friend. And Alex tried to go on living her life, tried not to let it bother her. But she couldn't, so she did the next best thing, distract herself from it.
Every time she saw Kara and James together, she'd go to a bar. Every time Kara talked about how much she enjoyed spending time with James, Alex got drunk. Every time Kara went on a date, she brought a girl home.
One night stands after one night stands, girl after girl, night after night. That's how Alex lived, having sex with blonde haired women that she will never care about as much as a certain blonde. She tells herself that its fine, she's okay. Alex has got a new girl herself, and these women are her world.
Alex tells herself that every girlfriend she has, even those that she's only together with for a few days, are everything to her. That Kara isn't the one that occupies a certain space in her heart. She doesn't need a certain Kryptonian, she's got her own girls that she cares about.
Except these are all lies. These are the lies she tells herself at night, right after the regret of what she has done with someone she doesn't even know laying beside her. She lies to herself, and she lies to Kara when the topic of significant others come up. These are the lies that keep her from making decisions that are even more regretful than her current ones.
A month after she begins sleeping around like nobodies business, a month after Kara and James get together, she realizes something. Kara and James…their touches are more frequent, more intimate. And with that realization comes another, they've slept together. Before it could have just been a one-off kind of thing, Kara could have broken it off with James. Except now…the Kryptonian never goes that far in a relationship unless she's serious about it.
Kara and James have finally sealed the deal, in Alex's opinion, and it crushes her. The DEO agent tells herself repeatedly that she doesn't care, doesn't care if a certain someone isn't sleeping alone. So Alex continues her life, but the women come more frequently and the drinking gets worse.
When Alex learns about J'onn and learns about his mind-reading abilities, the first thing she does is ask if he's read her mind. He says no, but that doesn't stop her from always making sure her thoughts are concealed.
She does so by ignoring it all. She doesn't care that Kara isn't sleeping alone, its fine. She's fine. Alex tells herself she doesn't care, and even if she doesn't believe it, she acts as if she does. And so she goes through multiple women a week, has sex until she can't think of a blonde haired Kryptonian superhero anymore, and tells herself…I don't care.
The agent knows she's lying to herself. She always had known that she's been lying to herself. But nowadays, these lies are simply thought of as truth, because without them…without them she'd be even lower than she is right now.
Alex continues to tell herself that her life is really so good, that she's honestly doing so good. She looks at Kara and James and goes, life's good, I'm good. She looks at how happy Kara is and thinks, life's good, I'm good. She looks at her decisions and choices and what her days are composed of and thinks, life's so good, I'm so good.
No matter what shit she does, no matter what shit happens, Alex's only thoughts are, life's good life's good life's good I'm good I'm good I'm good. But she's not good, and Alex knows this. Her life is in shambles, everything she does is the wrong thing to do. And even if she says she doesn't want Kara beside her, she hates when she fails at protecting the superhero.
Everything is horrible. Her life, herself, everything around her, it's all horrible. Alex is nearing her tipping point, and she's so not good. None of this stops her from thinking the lies, though.
Her life is good, she's doing so good. And she tells herself these lies over and over again until they're imprinted in her mind, until these are the only thoughts she can think. But…they're lies. She knows it, but without them, she'd be a goner.
The lies are piling up higher than Kara can probably fly, but it doesn't stop Alex. When Kara is with James, she's always got her phone beside her. When Kara cancels movie nights, Alex keeps her phone in hands reach. When her temporary lover is finally asleep, she stares longingly at her phone.
Alex knows why she does it, she's always waiting for a call. A call from the only person in her life that matters. But, she never gets it, because Kara is out having fun with James. Kara is living her life, and the Kryptonian doesn't need her.
So, the agent denies her actions. Tells herself she's only making sure Kara doesn't have a sudden crisis. Tells herself she's only being cautious in case a Supergirl emergency happens. Tells herself she's waiting for a girlfriend or lover, anyone but her.
Alex spends hours by her cell phone, but in her mind she's got various reasons for doing so. She knows though, all the reasons are lies. The one that isn't—the truth—is never thought of. The DEO agents knows she's been lying to herself for far too long, but these are the lies she tells herself at night. These are the lies that are keeping her alive.
One day, after everything has gone to shit, she has stops lying to herself. Its after she almost made a mistake that could've cost everyone's lives, after J'onn staged an intervention of sorts. After Vasquez and even Lucy came to her and told her she needs to get a hold of herself. Its after Kara looks at her with such disappointment in her eyes before walking away.
A lot happens, but she finally stops. Alex knows that she can't keep going on, lying to herself like this. So that night she sits on her couch, head in her hands, and stops lying to herself.
She's not okay with just being friends with Kara. She does think about the Kryptonian every single night. She can't sleep without a certain blonde beside her, can't move on. Alex knows that she cries about her, always has and probably always will. It's not fine, dying without Kara. All the women she brings to her bed, they mean nothing. She cares about the fact that a certain someone isn't sleeping alone, anymore. Alex knows her life isn't good, she's not good. She spends hours at the phone, just waiting for a call from the person she's in love with.
That's another realization, one that comes after Alex stops lying to herself…she's in love with Kara. She's been ignoring the voice inside her head that's been hinting at it, but now she can't deny her feelings anymore.
Alex is in love with her foster sister, her foster sister. The same person who is happy with her own man and doesn't need Alex. The DEO agent may have stopped lying to herself, but that doesn't change anything. Kara is still dating the love of her life—someone who's not her—and Alex has nothing.
Well, she has the knowledge that these are lies that she's been telling herself, not the truth. Yes, because the truth is, she's about to lose it. She can't do this if she's not with Kara.
Alex has no one, she doesn't even have her precious lies anymore, and she doesn't know what to do. All she knows is that she can't do any of this without Kara, and all she can think is, these are the lies that were keeping me alive.
And without them…how's she going to live? It's not like she has Kara, she never did and she never will.
So Alex carries on life as if she was still lying to herself…but she knows the truth now and the truth hurts.
