Okay, I think I'm turning a bit masochistic by now, and probably sadistic as well. For honestly, I can't stand the thought of Jamie dead either. I think I just could cope with writing it because it was me who did write it – so I had the proof that it wasn't real right in front of me. Of course, nothing here's real for real^^, but – you know what I mean. Anyway, I wasn't really satisfied with the last chapter of "Can't wake up from this", so I decided to write this. I'm not sure if this should be a OS or a multi-chapter story, and if multi-chapter, if it should rather get more chapters of Danny progressing to heal or of the other members of the family visiting the grave. So it's totally up to you – I just hope you don't hate me for keeping Jamie dead.
„Hey, kid" Danny said softly as he knelt down in front of the grave, not daring to speak loud. He knew it was stupid to feel that way, since no matter what he would do – Jamie would never be woken up again. Still, Danny was his big brother. It was his job to take care of Jamie, to make sure he was safe and sound and happy.
"I'm sorry, Jamie." Danny couldn't fight the tears any longer. It was three weeks now since they had buried the youngest Reagan son, and to Danny these weeks had gone by in a blur. He didn't remember anything from the first week after the funeral, but he knew he had been at work. After one week Jackie had forced their sergeant to send Danny home for holidays, but Danny didn't know why exactly.
"I've tried. Jamie, I tried so hard to keep on doing my job, but…" He shook his head, taking in a shivering breath. What had started as three days off to clear his head had ended with almost two weeks. Two weeks in which Danny had sat home alone, trying his best to act normal.
As if nothing had happened, nothing that had torn him apart.
As if he always had been a housekeeper (though he couldn't even find the strength to do the ironing) and not a detective of the NYPD.
He couldn't sleep without seeing Jamie's pale face. He couldn't walk the streets without memories of the little one surrounding and drowning him. Today had been Danny's first day back on duty, and even while he was running after a shop-robber, Danny had only seen Jamie in front of him, running, falling, dying. But if Danny was quick enough, maybe he would get to him in time. Maybe he could save him!
Of course he hadn't. Danny buried his face in his hands as fits of sobbing shook his body violently. He had caught the robber but lost his brother. Forever.
And every day it broke his heart anew.
"Erin says I should take more time, you know." Finally Danny lifted his head from his hands to look at the white gravestone. "I thought by now she'd tell me to see a psychologist, but… she hasn't. I think she's afraid. We all are, kid. Afraid of breaking if we move too fast. Ever since… since you've been gone." He broke off, holding in his breath till the new sobs in him had died.
"We miss you, Jamie" he whispered, as if it was a secret he shared with his brother. With his brothers, both dead, both far away in heaven, somewhere he couldn't reach them. Danny bowed forward so he could touch the stone, as if it would hold anything of the warmth and laughter and braveness that had been Jamie.
He missed him so much.
"Did I ever take you to Warner's?" Danny blinked the tears away. He had to stop breaking down every day.
"It's a great bar. Really big plates of spare ribs, and large screens for almost every kind of sports. And there's a waitress that's been to Harvard for one semester." His voice cracked at the word "Harvard" and Danny had to pause for another moment.
"She's very nice, though. I should really have taken you with me, it'd be great. Maybe you… maybe you'd have had kids after all."
At the thought of his boys Danny broke down completely. His sons, like Jamie, deserved so much more than he could give them. They deserved to have a father who was able to take care for them, which Danny wasn' t right now. They deserved their uncle to play football with them and help them with their homework or simply talking to them. They deserved a life in peace and happiness despite the darkness of the world. It was Danny's duty to keep the darkness at bay. As a cop, and as a father even more. Or as a brother.
"I'm so sorry" he sobbed again, "god help me, kid, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I let you down. And now that you're… now that you're dead, Jamie, I can't never make it up to you. And I can't even be there for dad and Erin anymore. I can't. That's your job. That's your place I'm trying to take now, and you're where I should be now! This wasn't your call. It was mine, Jamie! I should be the one lying here, not you! You hear me? Not you!" His voice got louder, and two rows further on, a woman stared at him. But Danny was too tired with grief to calm down.
"You weren't supposed to die, Jamie. Little brothers don't die before the old ones, that's not right. Did you never learn that in Harvard? Or did you simply not care to make my life hell, was it that? Was it that?"
Angry at the stone's silence, Danny started hitting it, teeth clenched, tears running down his face. "Are you happy now? Now that life is hell and we all are stuck here and you guys are up above, looking down at us? Do you think that's funny?" Still punching the stone, Danny looked up into the empty sky as if expecting to see them there: Mom, Joe, Jamie. His family. Three of the most important people in his life that had left him, had left Erin and his father and Linda.
"Noo…" Exhausted Danny sank down, his forehead resting on the cold stone.
Jamie was dead. He was dead for almost a month now and still it hurt as much as in the instant Danny had felt the life vanishing from the kid in his arms. He had held him. He had held him, trying to calm him down, trying to protect him… tell him how much he loved his little brother, and that he'd do anything for him, tell him how proud he was… Again Danny buried his face in his hands. It hurt. It ripped him apart, every morning when he opened his eyes to a new day he would have to live through without Jamie to talk to.
"I want you to come back, Jamie" he said softly, almost pleading, "just call me and tell me it's all been a nightmare, okay? Okay?" Once again he looked up into the sky. "I'll do anything you want from me. I'll be the best cop you will find in New York. Or you can take me. Take me, okay? Just… just bring him back. Bring him back and I'll come up. Please!"
But there was no negotiating with heaven and Danny knew it. There were rules he couldn't break, no matter how hard he tried. Things he couldn't set right.
He had failed his little brother, and now Jamie was dead. And all of his family had to suffer for Danny's fault.
