(AN) Well, this is the first story I've posted that is solely humor...


" Attention, task force members." L's voice rang out, stern and commanding.

Everyone almost jumped out of their seats. L? Stern? Commanding?

Everyone's gazes were drawn to the man in the door, who's face was flat as usual, but held an unusual air of determinacy.

Watari was the first to recover. " Yes, Ryuuzaki?"

" I have a very important announcment to make. This is a monumental moment in history, so everyone should pay attention." L held his head tall, straightening his back.

' Monumental... but if I respond, it might increase his suspicion about me being Kira... But if I don't, he'll think that I'm trying to hide by ignoring him... On the other hand, if it will decrease the likelyness of me saying something that sounds akin to something Kira would say... maybe I should just stay silent...respond or not respond or not respond or not...' The turmoil in Light's mind became so great that he fell out of his chair, screeching, " AAAAGGGGHH! TELL US!" in hope that perhaps L would be so perplexed that there would be no thought in his mind about Light being Kira.

It seemed to work somewhat; L and the rest of the task force all seemed quite startled. But he recovered quickly, clearing his throat. " Do I have everyone's attention?"

Everyone silently nodded.

" I-" L paused for effect. " -am going on a diet."

" R-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-Ryuuzaki!" Watari stuttered. " Why would you do something like this!"

A thump resonated from the back of the room as Matsuda fainted. L only spared him a passing glance as he made his way to the mini freezer right by his body. Everyone's eyes were on him as he opened the door, withdrawing a box.

" Um, Ryuuzaki, why would you need to diet if you are so skinny?" Light asked as L pulled out another box.

" Hm. By saying that, the likelyness of you being Kira has rose 40%."

" What! What does your peculiar idea have to do anything with me being Kira."

" Well Light Yagami, there is a 26.5840% chance that when I am middle aged and/or elderly, I will get a mental impairment such as Alzheimer's. If this was the case, I may become incapable of burning calories mentally as I have up until this moment. So, my previous dietary habits would catch up with me. And, as my metabolism weakens with age, it will become ever increasingly likely that I will gain weight. As you can see-" L made eye contact with every person in the room. " -that would be a problem." L brought one of the boxes out of the shadows into the glow of the computer, where it was visible.

It was a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich box, vanilla and cookies and cream flavored. L uncovered the other box, which was Healthy Choice chocolate ice cream bars. L got to his feet, standing behind the two boxes.

" For the next two months, I will only eat food products from Skinny Cow and Healthy Choice. I will also eat at least one piece of fruit a day. Fruit gummy snacks count." L dusted some imaginary dust off of his jeans. " When I am drinking tea, I will add one less cube of sugar than I usually do. This is a difficult change for me, so expect me to be extremely cranky and disagreeable for this period of time."

The room was completely silent until Matsuda regained consciousness and lunged for the Skinny Cow's, squealing, " ICE CREAM!"

He got a foot in the face, courtesy of L.

While Matsuda sat in the corner, whimpering and rubbing his nose, Soichiro went up to L. He put his hand on the young man's shoulder.

" Ryuuzaki, I never thought that I would tell anyone this but my own children, but eating ice cream all day is not a diet."

" Don't be ridiculous." L took the Skinny Cow box into his arms, pointing at the cow at top, who had a measuring tape around their waist.

" I did a very complex mathmatical equation, and I discovered that this animal's waist is only 28 inches. And these ice cream sandwiches are reduced fat. And considering that, its pretty good; my usual diet isn't reduced anything," L explained. He tore at the top of the box with his fingernail, retrieving a sandwhich and shoving it into his mouth, wrapper and all. Various expressions of digust could be seen on the members of the task force, including Matsuda, who looked like he never wanted to eat ice cream again.

L shrugged. " The wrapper provides fiber."


(AN) This will be continued, after I get at least two reviews and an alert!