A/N: I'm writing this because I want Renji to be happy. Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, I am simply borrowing the characters.
xox
He wasn't broken, shattered, or destroyed. He wasn't fed up. He wasn't pissed off. He was just tired. Tired of waiting and hoping and dreaming for what would never happen, could never happen. He was tired. It had been two years since the war and even though everything looked like it was coming together, beyond the surface it was far from it.
Although the gotei 13 was finally recovering from the terrors of the war there were individuals who were still dealing with the events as if they had happened yesterday. This was true for the tattooed redheaded lieutenant, who had spent these past years brooding over the girl who would never be his.
Renji Abarai was a strong, proud man. He would never admit that his unrequited love for his childhood friend Rukia had left him emotionally drained and disturbed, even though everyone could see it clear on his face. Every time Rukia showed herself in public with her lover Ichigo, Renji would quickly disappear or hide away in the background. His calm facade would become dark and laced with a sadness that could only match a man who has lost everything. He was not broken, but he was hurt.
xox
To help cope with his depression Renji had began seeing a therapist once a week. It was not his idea. A couple of months ago his friends had all gathered together to give Renji a much needed intervention.
xox
Flashback
It was fall and the leaves were just beginning to change colors and to fall from their host trees. Renji was on his way home from a meeting he was holding with some of his subordinates. He may have been hurt but he never let his feelings get in the way of a job. Or at least he tried not to.
Renji approached his front door and quickly entered to gain shelter from the coldness of outside. Renji was expecting to walk in to his usual set up, an empty apartment darkly lit with no trace of joy or happiness. He walked in on three concerned friends sitting in his living room instead.
"Ikkaku, Yumi, Rangiku, what the hell are you doing in my apartment!" Renji yelled, he had had a long day and he was not in the mood for these guy's bullshit.
"Calm down, we need to talk," Ikkaku said sternly, "Have a seat."
"I swear to God Ikkaku, you do not want to test me right now." Renji said, tensing up from the stress he was just exposed to. He took a seat, but only because he was tired.
"Renji please, just listen to what we have to say," Rangiku chimed in, "We just want to help."
"What the hell are you people talking about?" Renji shouted, "I dont need help, fuck off!"
"You do need help," Yumichika contributed, " You've been wallowing in your own self pity for months now, It's beginning to turn people off of you."
"Yumichika, you're not helping right now," Rangiku scolded.
"Well it's true, he's been bumming everybody out and people are starting to get sick of it. I must say this whole depressed phase is not your most attractive feature." Yumichika replied.
"Yumichika shut the fuck up!" Ikkaku yelled, then he turned towards Renji, "Look man, part of what Yumi is saying is true. You have been living in your self pity for a while now and we're all just really worried."
Renji had heard enough. He wasn't pitying himself he was just identifying with his situation and fuck these guys because they don't know what they're talking about.
"I dont give a fuck what people think about me, they can all rot in hell and I don't have a problem or need any help so you guys an just knock it off right now!" Renji was really pissed off right now and he just wanted to nap.
"If you don't need help then explain all those empty beer cans over there!" Rangiku said pointing to a pile of empty beer cans across the room. "We looked in your fridge Renji, half of your food isn't even food, it's alcohol! You need to get it together!"
"I dont need to do anything but shit and breathe, now get the fuck out of my house!" exclaimed Renji as he stood up and threw a vase from the coffee table at the wall.
"Renji, you're gonna lose your job." Ikkaku said nonchalantly.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Renji was ready to listen now. His job was the only thing he had left and he definitely did not want to lose it.
"It's high rumor that Captain Kuchiki is getting sick of your shit," Yumichicka explained. "He's even mentioned in the Captain's meetings a few times that if your attitude persists, he's going to put in papers to have you transferred. Thats saying a lot for the most closed off man in Seiretei."
Renji was all ears now, "So what do you want me to do about it?"
"We want you to talk to somebody, a professional." Rangiku said as she reached across the table and grabbed Renji's hand. "We really think it would be helpful."
"A shrink? You want me to see a shrink? You think I'm fucking crazy!?" Renji was livid, how dare they insult him?
"Renji we don't think you're crazy," Rangiku explained, gently rubbing the back of his hand in an attempt to sooth him, "We just think you're stressed and maybe it would be best if you talked about what's bothering you with someone. You can't get better if you just keep it all bottled up. Thats not healthy."
"We just want to see you happy again. " Ikkaku said as he tried to muster up an encouraging smile.
Renji was pissed off with his friends. But he knew what they were saying was right. He was stressed and he definitely needed to unload all the pain he's been going through. He wasn't much for talking about his feelings, growing up poor had never afforded him the luxury of doing so. His number one goal was survival. But since he was now in a comfortable position there weren't many reasons not to seek help. The only thing that was in his way was him. There were no excuses.
"I'll go to one meeting." Renji said after considering their request. "But if I don't like it I'm not going back and you guys better not bug me about it anymore."
All three of Renji's friends sighed in relief. They were glad that their friend was finally taking that first step to becoming better. It was well about time.
"Renji, we're really glad you're doing this. We just know something good is going to come out of it." Rangiku said as she came over to hug Renji.
xox
Renji's therapist, Dr. Nakamura, is a middle aged man who smells like oranges and always sucks on peppermint candies during his sessions with Renji. He is a curious man and he never runs out of questions to ask, much to Renji's annoyance.
"So how has your day been so far? Is everything going well?" This is the first question Nakamura asks in every session. He prefers to keep things light and then build up to the more serious stuff.
" Fine." Renji said as he sat across from Nakamura on the couch. He wasn't one for lying down. He felt doing so would let his guard down and leave him feeling things he did not want to feel. Unfortunately Dr. Nakamura didn't care about Renji's guard policy.
"Fine? Just fine?" Nakamura didn't believe him, he wanted to know more. "I sense some hesitation in your voice. Is there something bothering you? Do you want to talk about it? "
"Nothing, its fine." Renji said as he tapped his foot up and down quickly. He was impatient today. Something was bugging him and Nakamura was going to find out what.
"Renji, I just want to remind you that you have one hour with me and it could go a whole lot faster if most of your replies didn't end in 'fine'," Nakamura said. He was determined to reach a breakthrough today.
"Nakamura please, I just don't feel like talking today, I'm tired." Renji turned his head to look out the window.
"You're always tired Renji. Maybe you're working too hard." Nakamura scribbled some words down on his notepad.
"Of course I work hard. What else am I supposed to do!" Renji snapped back.
Nakamura threw a few ideas out at the top of his head, "Well there's many things you can do besides work. You can go see a play, join a sport, meet some new people."
"I don't need to meet any new people. I have enough friends right now."Renji said crossing his arms, further closing himself off. He was a tough nut to crack.
"Well maybe you can meet someone for more than just friendship." Nakamura suggested.
"What are you getting at Doc?" Renji looked at the doctor quizzically. Was this guy out of his fucking mind? "You trying to tell me I need to hump or something?" Renji was somewhat offended. Sure it had been a while but that wasn't the reason why he was feeling so shitty.
"I'm not saying that, although intimacy can be an important part of of a relationship. What I'm saying is maybe you should put yourself out there and try to find someone who can offer you true companionship." Nakamura said as he tried to make eye contact with Renji.
"Yea maybe…" Renji quietly said, turning his attention back to the window.
"Renji, she's not coming back."
Renji flew up in a rage, how dare he mention her? "What the fuck are you talking about? You think I don't know that? Everytime I see her with that orange-haired piece of shit I'm reminded that she's not coming back! That she'll never be mine!"
"Yet you still live as if she might. Why do you do this Renji?" Nakamura calmly asked, not wanting to push Renji over the edge, but just close enough.
Renji was still upset but he saw that Nakamura was just trying to help so he sat back down. It was quiet for some time as he pondered the question that Nakamura had asked him. Why did he believe there was still a chance that Rukia could be his? She's been with Ichigo for a year now and she was genuinely happy.
"I guess I just think that if I get better or stronger she might want to be with me." He said,looking at Nakamura who was nodding his head. "I'm so fucking stupid."
"You're not stupid Renji, you're just hopeful. But you need to realize that Rukia is happy. And you also need to realize that you deserve to be happy to. The moment you understand that a relationship with Rukia is not in your destiny will be the moment you become closer to moving on and finding true happiness." Nakamura said in his best attempt to get Renji to comprehend his message. "Think about it."
"Yea I guess so."
xox
Renji had spent the past few days thinking about his session with . Nakamura was right. Renji needed to let Rukia go, for his own happiness. He deserved to live a normal life. It was time to branch out. To meet new people. To find someone who can make him happy and who he can take care of. It would take some time,and it would not be easy, but Renji was finally ready to change his life.
xox
To be continued
