The 11:50 to Hogwarts

Another pointless parody. Do not take it seriously. And massive props to JK Rowling for making such dumb characters that are easy to mock but universally beloved by children. That way it's fun to crush their dreams. But enough rambling.

It was a dark August night on privet Drive and Vernon was making an improvised bomb in his room. He thought about maybe delivering it to Hogwarts by mail, but then he remembered that those bloody wizards use owls and he didn't want to have to tame a bird just to send a goddamn package. So he decided to hide it in Harry's suitcase. Or, um…trunk. Whatever he has. Vernon's company made drills, and drills are a lot like bombs except they go VRRRR instead of PLOOOOOWMB! And don't tick unless something's loose. So the point is that Vernon knows how to build bombs. It was a time bomb so they'd have to get to the station on time. Hopefully, Vernon thought in his pea-sized brain, it will go off on the train and kill Harry, Fron and Germainy right there, and maybe some other wizard brats.

It was the day that Harry was supposed to leave for Hogwarts and Uncle Vernon was holding the bomb, already ticking, behind his back. He set it to go off in an hour, and he hoped that the station wasn't that far away. "Hurry up, Harry, we don't want to be late. Oh, there's a Dementor behind you!" Harry looked and Vernon threw the bomb into Harry's open trunk and slammed it shut, snapping Harry's wand. A puff of magic escaped and shrunk Vernon's balls, but he pretended not to notice. "Get in the bloody car, Potter." Vernon barked. Harry got in.

King's Cross Station was actually two hours away at normal highway speed, but Vernon hadn't remembered the drive being that long. In fact, he was hammered the whole time, so he didn't remember which way to go. In an hour they were driving around a cow pasture in Wales, completely and utterly lost. "Dammit" said Vernon. "I was supposed ter remember summat. Wait, Hagrid talks like that. I mean, I was bloody supposed-" BAM!

The bomb, still inside Harry's bag, still in the trunk, went off. Hedwig was roasted alive and later a farmer found her and had her for dinner. Harry got a car door lodged halfway through his head. Vernon's legs were blown off and he dragged himself around the fields until a tractor sliced him up horribly. However, the Hogwarts Express did indeed blow up that day, mostly because Mrs. Weasley had the same idea as Vernon and packed some Semtex and a blasting cap in Ron's lunch with a note that said "you know what to do."