Why Must I Cry?
Am I crying? Is my heart broken? Aren't these tears in my clouded eyes? Why do I have to cry? Why do I have to have emotions? Rain has never felt so cold, so sharp before. I used to think of myself as strong, that I could be on my own...I was wrong. I'm weak, and I needed Beck in my life. Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and I think he's waiting in my doorway, ready to take me to school. Then I see no one's there. It hurts to know you've pushed away everyone you love...Destroyed everything you've held dear with to you with your bare hands. Tears don't burn until you know you're alone, and it's all your fault. Not because you didn't give yourself up to be with someone who doesn't love you...Not because you've given away everything you've ever had to hang on to a dead dream, but when you've been cold, vicious, and miserable, and everyone's come to their senses. In some parts of my day, I can see Tori, Cat, Beck, and Andre sitting with each other, laughing, and loving one another in a way not even they can fathom. Then there I am...standing by myself in the rain, trying not to cry, even though I've been crying all day and all night for so long. What did I ever gain by being so cold? What was I protecting by not letting those who truly cared about me see my true self? I used to go to sleep thinking I was in control, that I'd wake up and everything would be okay...Now I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going. I'm sorry, everyone. Why can't I stop crying? The Jade West I've built up for the world to see is dead and gone.
