A short ficlet that's rather sad... I was inspired by the song 'Lose My Mind' by The WANTED, and well, it fit in my eyes. Read on!
Note: This kinda jumps around a bit in the order of things, it's more of Sev's thoughts in one night mixed with his thoughts from over time - if that makes any kind of sense, I'll be surprised :)
Sev was going insane - more insane than usual insane.
He couldn't help it, he had lost Fi once and then filled with hope when he thought he might be able to get him back but then he'd heard the news. Fi had got himself a girl.
That had almost driven him off the edge.
He had been preparing himself ever since he heard the news that Fi was going to be okay to tell him how he felt and now he felt like Fi had picked up his hopes and scrunched them up as if they were a piece of flimsi. It had hurt. In fact he'd never been so hurt in his life.
It had been a year since he'd found out and whoever had said time healed everything – they were wrong. Sev had mental scars in the form of memories. Memories of Fi and then nightmares of Parja stealing Fi away from him, he'd conjured up an image of a girl so desirable and so perfect that he wouldn't even notice Sev when she was around.
He remembered hearing that Fi was in a coma. That he'd almost been blown up and Sev had to force back tears about losing the one he loved so much. He'd disappeared from where the squad, muttering an excuse about having to calibrate his deece and hid under the covers in his bunk, stifling sobs.
What if Fi didn't wake up?
He'd never know how Sev felt. He'd be alone and he'd regret it every day of his life. He wished he'd mentioned it sooner; he would do anything to just tell Fi that he loved him before it had happened. He had given up trying to be quiet and hide the pain he was feeling as he tried to sleep and loud, choking sobs had left him trembling and shaking as he soaked the pillow with his tears.
He couldn't shake the feeling in his head that he'd failed.
Failure.
That's what he was.
He didn't like it. He wanted to be someone to be proud of. He couldn't help but feel like he'd fallen short every time something didn't go right. He'd failed himself. Fi was very happy with this Parja of his, yet Sev was unhappy, he was heartbroken and alone.
He knew that love wasn't a game but he couldn't help but feel as if he'd lost. He'd lost the love of his life. He hadn't stood much of a chance as it had been, Parja had had the advantage and the odds hadn't been in Sev's favour. Sev wished the underdog could have really won for once. Fi was still Sev's world; it was just becoming a much darker place nowadays, disturbed by storms and hurricanes – not that it had ever been sunshine and rainbows.
Drinking hadn't helped. It had only turned him into idiot, filled with a vile rage that destroyed even the smallest spark of hope. He'd given up on it, it only made the pain worse and now, late at night, he turned up the sound of glimmik music in his helmet and let it drown the pain. He hoped that it would erase all the memories, the dreams.
It didn't.
It was Fi's music.
But Sev didn't want to listen to anything else.
The problem with heartache was that it wasn't physical. Physical he could take, it would pass, it could be numbed, but it felt like Fi was stabbing at his heart from the inside. It felt unstoppable. He hated it.
Fi stalked his every thought. Never did he get distracted for longer than a few minutes. He hadn't seen him in a while. He didn't want too.
He never wanted to see Fi again.
Not unless he was his.
There shouldn't be many mistakes - probably are a few but yah know... Nobody's perfect :)
Leave a review and tell me what you think? :)
- Rhiannon x
