A/N: Hey there. This is my first fanfiction:) Post Aliyah and how I want things to be between them after everything.

disclaimer: NCIS IS NEVER MINE. IF IT WAS ZIVA WON'T BE CAPTURED. SHE WOULDN'T HAVE THAT SWELLING ON HER EYES AND TONY WOULDN'T BE WORRIED AS HELL FOR HER.


I shouldn't love you
but I want to,
I just can turn away
I shouldn't see you
but I can't move
I can't look away


"I had no choice."
" That is a lie."
" Why would I lie to you, Ziva?"
" To save your worthless ass."
" From who? Vance? Mossad?"
"You jeporadized your entire career, and for what?"
" For you. He was playing you, Ziva.
" For some reason you felt it was your job to protect me?"

"I did what I had to do."

"You killed him."
"If I hadn't you'd be having this conversation with him, but maybe that's the way you'd prefer it."
"Perhaps I would."

Tony sat at the bar, drinking what might be his 7th bottle of the night. The confrontation kept playing in his head, like a movie which cannot be paused even for a short time. It bothered him more than his injured arm could have. He tried to focus on something else, but his thoughts always found its way back to what happened a few days ago. It haunted him every time, even if he was awake. Gibbs and the others just let him be; If ever he wanted to talk, they could lend an ear. But for now, he thinks it's best to keep it to himself.

And I don't know
How to be fine, when I'm not
Cause I don't know
How to make this feeling stop

Yes, he hasn't an idea what he could do about his situation. Seeing others seemed not the best option right now. If he did, it would hurt more, knowing that it would cause him to long for his partner's presence. He already wanted her to return at this very moment, so what more if he's with someone—perhaps a blonde bimbo—right now? His longing for him would surely grow stronger. He wanted nothing more but to see her. She was not like the others. She stood out from all the women in the whole universe. Heck, she puts all of them to shame! She isn't your typical girl—obsessed with how they looked like, stuff like that. Ziva's beautiful.....and a fiercely independent woman. Headstrong. Have you even heard of a girl who could disarm a bomb in a matter of seconds? How about someone who could put up with your damned movie crap every day? Someone who messed up their English idioms all the time? That's what Tony loved about her. His crazy ninja chick…..

Just so you know
this feeling is taking control of me
and I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let it win now
I thought you should know
I tried my best to let go, of you
but I don't want to
I just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know

He laid in bed, still wallowing in misery. He has defeated Michael Rivkin, though it was luck because the Mossad officer was inebriated. He had defeated his rival…. And Ziva knew, at last that he loves her, because he had shown it in the most concrete way, by killing the person who "loved" her. He thinks he didn't just simply lose control of his feelings the night he killed Rivkin; he only did it to live. One way or another, someone would die. He couldn't let himself be the one to lie on Ducky's autopsy table, so there was no choice but to take the enemy down—and not let him get up forever.

I thought you should know
I tried my best to let go, of you
but I don't want to
I just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know

His thoughts temporarily lingered on the time they were on the tarmac, ready to leave for Washington. He remembers being the first person to board the aircraft. Vance and Gibbs followed a few minutes later, and before Gibbs gets an opportunity to sit, he asks him the question that started to burn his throat the moment he saw that nobody followed Gibbs behind: "One short?" He received no response; but the look on his boss' face answered him. He accepted her decision of staying in Israel, and the small possibility of having second thoughts. She Ziva and cannot be swayed. Once she made the decision, there was no going back. But what if one day, she called? What if? Maybe there's still a chance? Tony didn't care. He tried to let go, but it doesn't happen overnight. There's something that keeps him attached to her albeit she's a million miles from him. Not all bonds were broken after all, he thinks. He plans to keep it that way, until she---or he hopes, at least---comes back. Maybe he'll be able to fix the bonds that snapped.


It's getting hard to, be around you
There's so much I can't say,
do you want me to have feelings
and look the other way

He then drifted to the past, before everything turned awry. A smile crept across his face when he thought of the times when he corrected her usage of idioms, when they tried to outsmart each other, her getting annoyed with his movie references…….the times when he played the "make-the-other-feel-awkward" game with her, where, at most times, he lost. The teasing, friendly banter which, to others, seemed like borderline flirting. The instances where there's only the two of them in a room, he had to restrain himself, afraid to do something inane that would cause him his life. He thinks that they both felt the tension in the air, hanging above them. The tension, so thick it was palpable as the heaps of paperwork in front of them, but they just didn't want to acknowledge it. All of him knew that behind the charade Ziva was displaying, she also felt the desire he had been feeling for so long, but she's only just as terrified as him to give in. As time ticked by, emotions built up inside him, threatening to explode any second. Day after day, he realized how harder it was to hold it inside. He did nothing, instead, he waited for the trigger to be pulled…..the trigger to freedom. But with many, many things restraining him…..Rule #12, and Ziva herself….. he wondered how much more he could take.

This emptiness is killing me
and I'm wondering why I waited so long
Looking back I relize,
it was always there to stand spoken
and I'm waiting here
been waiting here

After the last thought, Tony abruptly stopped. He felt devoid of everything. Like his life was suddenly taken from him without warning. No, he still felt something. Stupid. He felt stupid. He regretted the huge amount of time he neglected, when instead he could've spilled his guts to her. He wondered if what was the bigger mistake he made: Killing Rivkin which made Ziva mad at him, or not having the courage to tell her what he felt all those years. Truth is, he doesn't know the answer. If she came back, maybe he'll find out the answer. He doesn't want to think of "What Ifs". At this time of day, —0300 am—he wants to rest, to forget that he even dwelled on such thoughts tonight. He'll keep on waiting, he'll hang on to his Abby-like faith,(though his is ten times smaller than the original) that she might show up at his doorstep one day.