Disclaimer: Not mine. Christmas looms, though, and I believe in a benevolent Santa...

So I was inspired by this kinkmeme prompt, and I stayed up like ALL NIGHT (it's final weeks, btw) writing for it, and around 3:15 I hit critical punchiness and determined that this would not all fit in the Livejournal boxes. So here it be, in seven chapters of madness.

Format is basically a bastardized 5+1: Instead, we have Five Times It Sucked To Be Starfleet's Youngest Crew, One Time They Got Away With It, and One Time It Probably Saved Their Asses.

ONE

He gets halfway through the shpiel, Captain James T. Kirk, starship Enterprise, United Federation of Planets, we come in peace, nice minerals you got lying around down there, etc, everything but the secret handshake and decoder rings. He's up to the part about a negotiating party when the big lady-like alien with the blue muumuu and all the bangles coughs strategically.

"Erm- young human – for this arrangement, we will need to discuss with your leader." She says, coming through in a strangely British tone for the universal translator.

"Huh?" says, breaking his diplomat cool.

"The council must make an agreement with the adult of your vessel."

Jim's jaw slides down a little, into full-on slack-jawed-yokel mode, and Spock's right eyebrow rises incrementally until his hairline threatens to devour it whole. Chekov and Sulu are frozen at their controls, and even Uhura has gone dead still.

And, then:

"Young human, is your adult home? I must speak with her."

Jim stalks off the bridge muttering about twenty-fifth birthdays and his mother, at which point Nyota laughs so hard Spock's other eyebrow vanishes into the bowl-cut.

More to come...No, that is not innuendo. Geez.