Had an idea. Thought it would be funny. Let me know what you think.
Dear Fanfiction Authors-
I, Remus John Lupin, would like to let all of you know that you are making a complete and utter joke out of me and I would like for you all to stop. You should commend me for purposing this wonderful idea in the form of a very polite and formal letter. In case you were wondering, my first idea was to storm across the various continents, track you all down one by one, and very forcefully imply that I wanted you to stop.
But I didn't.
You should be very happy.
My first topic of complant has to do with how girly you all are making me seem. I was reading one story where I broke down crying because James just looked at me with anger. Seriously? I am NOT that wimpy. And what is with having me reading all these muggle romance novels? Pride and Prejudice? Come on! I read that book and let me tell you, it is most definitely not my favorite book. Far too girly. How about you choose something a bit more masculine, for example: Darcula, Frankenstien, anything from Steven King, anything BUT Pride and Prejudice and any other book in that similar genre. Far too sappy for my taste... I AM MAN! HEAR ME ROAR!
*Clears throat* Moving on.
My second point of complaint has to do with this whole weird concept of me having some wolf alter-ego inside of me. Really? I wasn't pathetic enough for you guys that you had to add an animal personality that seems to find it fun to argue with me?... No. Just no. Other than the fact that I am forcefully turned into a wolf once a month (don't EVEN getting me started with all the jokes about 'my monthly'! *growls angerily*), other than the once a month wonderings in wolf form, I can assure you that I am no more wolf than any one of you out there. There is no little wolf inside of me wanting to be dominant over everyone, whispering profanic comments to me, and telling me to go hump some girl because I need a 'mate'. No. The entire idea is stupid. Entirely ludicrous.
My third, and most important topic of complant, is the fact that many of you have me gay. GAY! GAY! And if that wasn't bad enough, you have me doing it with my best friends. EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! How could I ever find Sirius attractive? He may be good-looking and has really nice hair and can be intelligent once every few months and has really really distracting eyes and that attractive toned-up build that only Quidditch player can achieve... but that's all besides the point! The point is I AM STRAIGHT! COMEPLETELY STRAIGHT! I DO NOT PLAY FOR THAT TEAM! MY DOOR DOES NOT TURN THAT WAY! I AM NOT ON THAT SIDE OF THE RIVER! I DON'T SIT AT THAT PARTY TABLE! I AM STRAIGHT! And married! To a woman! With a kid! What is Teddy supposed to think, growing up with all these naughty stories about me and Sirius floating around on the web? Poor kid will be scarred and I won't be there to explain to him that they are lies. My poor Teddy... I AM NOT GAY!
...Sirius on the other hand... I had always wondered about him... I mean, he never settled down, let alone stuck with a girl for very long. I had an excuse; I was a werewolf. Where is Sirius' excuse?... If you want to write gay love stories, do it with Sirius, even if he is straight (and I'm not completely sure he is) he will get a big laugh out of it. Just leave me out! No more Remus/Sirius porn, I beg of you! *shudders*
Well, that is all I have to complain about, really. All I ask is that you make me more manly, stop giving me multiple personalities, and stop with the gay porn. That's not that much to ask.
Sincerely,
Remus Lupin
Review and let me know what you think. I may make this into a series of letters from different characters if I get enough feed back. Let me know and make suggestions if you want.
