Firey's Pairing Counseling - Vaan
Vaan is tired to be stuck on the bottom of a guy's bed, the sky pirate Balthier to be exact. He could not for the life of him figure out why. So he finally decided to go see a pairing counselor. But little did he know that he is merely going to be used as another fan material.
Everything started great. Nice and usual therapy stuff; Vaan lying on the couch and a counselor/authoress beside him willing to hear his complaints.
"Why am I always paired with Balthier? I'm actually paired with him more than I do with Penelo or the other two main female characters! And why am I always the one being the ignorant blushing boy in Balthier's arms?" Vaan blunts it out after a few minutes.
Firey, elbow popped on her cheek, a clipboard for doodling rather than taking notes, obviously bored. "Because Vaan, you and Balthier are the third most popular pairing in final fantasy XII, after Balthier/Fran, and Balthier/Ashe. I actually used a search engine and checked that."
Vaan stares at the ceiling. "But how do you know if I like women or men better? How do you know I won't like Penelo?"
"The thing is, we don't. It's the fandom. Get over it. Be happy FFXII is not that popular compared to other final fantasy games. 600 or so stories. From the looks of the DS FFXII revenant wings, looks like you and Penelo are the official pairing. Except fandom don't CARE. Look at Sephy/Cloud, do the 'official' Cloud want to be with Sephiroth? Nope. He'd be paired with Aeris or Tifa. BUT the fandom think they are cuter."
"I am not blushy! Or helpless!" he rises from the couch "And aren't you suppose to help me?"
"No, I may currently be acting as a counselor, but I'm also a member of the fandoms. I can do whatever I want. I am merely providing you with the truth."
"Okay?" He lies back down "Why Balthier out of all people?"
"Because…" She sighed, as if she's trying to explain to a child how one plus one does not equal to three. "You are an uke." She said this bluntly "If it makes you any happier, you and Penelo is fifth popular. As of June 2007 at any rate."
"Why me?" To firey, this comment sounded like a 7 year old complaining to her mother who he must go to school.
"In anime and manga, especially shounen-ai, yaoi and hentai, uke is a general term for a partner in a relationship who is predominantly bottom and/or The equivalent for top is seme. The classic guidelines establish the uke by appearance (shorter than the seme, more childish, mostly light-haired, cute faces, effeminate) in relation to the 'dom' seme's appearance (taller, more masculine, older), often regardless of the characters' personality." The authoress quotes from wikipedia.
Vaan: pulls out his fingers and counts "shorter than the seme, younger, more childish, mostly light-haired, cute faces, more effeminate…. Wait a minute…" he looks up in a frown.
"Exactly." Firey pats Vaan in the head, and tries not to laugh "You fall under all those."
" I am NOT effeminate!"
"Compared to Balthier, Yes, you are."
Vaan: sobs
Firey tries very VERY hard not to laugh, facial expression failing miserably. 'You are a Baaadd counselor' she thought.
"Then how come…" Vaan starts. 'I'm doing to die in eternal embarrassment for saying this' "not Basch, Vossler, or Larsa?"
She shrugs "Because Balthier is the leading man. And you're the most uke. Basch/Balthier? Eww, dude, Basch is totally too muscular." She grimace and waves the image aside. "Baschxyou is bad enough. Most anime/manga fans do not like muscular dudes."
"Take Larsa!" He waves his hand frantically around to try and get the point across. "Or anybody… wait doesn't Balthier like women?"
Firey smirks "it's not that simple Vaan," wags my index finger at him "you and Balthier are Hinted. "
Vaan froms an o with his mouth. "huh? It IS?" As if this is news to us fans.
"yea, I'm currently in the tomb of Raithwall so I don't know much. When you and Balthier just met, he grabs you in the stomach and lifts you up, in the Nalbina Dungeons, he fights with you for the three ugly pigs or whatever. The fact that you want to be a sky pirate also adds to fan material. Plus, FFXII characters are underdeveloped, so they are pretty much open to interpretations."
"But I'm not effeminate"
" I guess not, since you are kinda muscular and all, you are type 1 and 3. Type 1 applies to all ukes, usually." She whips out a pointer from under her sleeves and magically summon out a whiteboard.
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Firey's education to Vaan, Types of Ukes quoted from wikipedia
1. There are many different "styles" of ukes that are used in anime and manga: Ukes are usually seen as a younger characters who are shorter, younger, or otherwise have an appearance slightly more "cuddly" than handsome. Shuichi from Gravitation and Naruto from Naruto is a typical example of a character with uke overtones.
2. Another uke style is the depressing uke. They are usually dark and short, and prone to having to worst luck in life. They cry, and are usually antisocial from large groups of people. They might even resort to cutting their own wrists or other forms of self harm to 'let out emotion'. In fan writings and other fandoms, Naruto's Sasuke, or Fruits Basket's Yuki and Kyo are often paired with either being placed as the uke. But both can be classified as a depressing uke. The self-sacrificing Kurama from YuYu Hakusho, would fall into this category when placed as an uke (mostly under the "personality/American" definition of an uke), or, when following the "Height Rule", his popular fandom boyfriend Hiei would also fit this category.
3. A popular uke "style" is the rebellious uke. They are slightly taller and more mature than the above placed uke, and usually have a fiery temper. When in involved in a reationship, their seme makes it clear who's in charge and this doesn't sit well with this particular uke. They rave and protest, demanding to be the seme and not the uke. They refuse to admit that they are sometimes adorable, or have a soft spot for something a little less 'manly'. For fan-based pairings in Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric is usually considered this type of uke.
4. Another Uke style is a more "girly" boy. eg. Kim JaeJoong from TVXQ is considered an uke because of his girlish looks as opposed to Jung Yunho who is cast as a seme because of his masculinity in the fanpairing "Jaeho".
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Firey grins "Do you want to hear any more?"
Vaan gave an adorable uke material pout. "Why is not Yuri more popular?" He is grasping straws.
"Because, the fandoms are dominated my 98 girls, unofficial studies have shown. And we like yaoi," vampire teeth suddenly became visible from the authoress' grin "me including of course. Any more questions?"
Vaan squeaks, he suddenly sweats like hell even though the room temperature is moderate "N-no I-I'm fine." He stammers, and bolts for the nearest door pressing R2 button.
Firey laughs out loud like the antagonist villain "Next!" She whips out a glass of gin and takes a long slip.
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Muhahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so evil! LAMO. PLEASE REVIEW. Little humor of mine before finishing up an English project.
I grade popularity by number of fics written so I just used the search engine (it's an estimate because sometimes it has nothing to do with pairings or whatever)
1. Balthier Fran 82
2. Balthier Ashe 66
3. Balthier Vaan 51
4. Larsa Penelo 48
5. Vaan Penelo 46
6. Basch Ashe 34
lol! I was bored and I came up with this! Do you guys want more?
