-Chapter 1-
There was once a girl who was always a happy girl. She was loving, caring, and kind. Everything a girl should be, right? Well, this girl was also constantly conflicting inside her mind. She wasn't mental or anything, but she never felt what most people feel when they hear the word "love". This girl was said to be astounding, beautiful, and stunning. Well, guess what? That was how the girl was on the outside. And guess what else? That girl's name happened to be my name. Serena. Guess what else else? You might've already picked up on this, but I was that girl you read about. And what you're about to read is my story. Or at least, one of my stories. I have many actually. Okay, what about this? I tell them all in direct sequence, alright?
I was reading my book about a vampire's unwavering love for a dying human when I heard my father call my name. My book was immediately slammed shut and thrown to the ground. I wasn't angry with him, but I was always the girl who would do anything someone told her to do. Yep, that was me. That image in your head? That would be me. Keep it there for future reference. So anyways, I put my book down and rushed downstairs. I listened intently as my father told me the details of what he wanted: a non-fat hot chocolate with chocolate sprinkles on top and whipped cream underneath the sprinkles.
In just a matter of seconds I dashed into the kitchen to hurry up with his order. I loved pleasing my family. It was everyone else I hated. Why did everyone see me as a carefree, mindless girl? Nobody, not even my own family, saw me for who I really was. I never asked for help, and most of the time I wouldn't accept it. I sat alone at lunch for my own private reasons. Every time I dared to look into a mirror, I saw a glint of loneliness and fear glimmering in my eyes. I didn't know when or if that look would ever go away. I hated myself and everyone around me. A beep interrupted my thoughts of self-pity. It was the microwave.
I returned to my father with the mug of hot chocolate. He thanked my dryly and began sipping his hot cocoa. He returned to watching television. I didn't need to look to know what he was watching. He was a guy, so it was either the news or sports. Neither of which I really cared for. I dragged my feet as I went back upstairs. I didn't know why, but I was, once more, feeling down in the dumps. Why? Why did I always feel that way? Well, go ask someone who might know, because I couldn't tell you to save my life. But it seemed as though I was always in some sort of pain and misery.
The radio was on in my room. I leisurely flipped through numerous stations until I came across a somewhat-familiar song called Pain, by Three Days Grace. I listened carefully to each and every word, knowing that that song pretty much summed up how I was feeling. It went something like this:
Pain. With-out love. Pain. I can't get e-nough.
Pain. I like it rough, 'cause I'd rather feel pain than no-thing at a-a-all.
You're sick! Of feelin' down. You're not! The on-ly one.
I'll take! You by the hand, and I'll show you a world that you can un-derstand.
This life! Is filled with hurt. When hap-piness. Does-n't work.
Trust me! And take my hand. When the lights go up, you'll understa-a-and...
PAI-ai-ai-ai-AIN! With-out love. PAI-ai-ai-ai-AIN! Can't get e-nough.
PAI-ai-ai-ai-AIN! I like it rough, 'cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
PAI-ai-ai-ai-AIN! With-out love. PAI-ai-ai-ai-AIN! Can't get e-nough.
PAI-ai-ai-ai-AIN! I like it rough, 'cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
An-ger. And ag-on-y. Are bet-ter. Than mis-er-y.
Trust me. I've got a plan. When the lights go up, you'll understand...
PAI-ai-ai-ai-AIN! With-out love. PAI-ai-ai-ai-AIN! Can't get e-nough.
PAI-ai-ai-ai-AIN! I like it rough, 'cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
PAI-ai-ai-ai-AIN! With-out love. PAI-ai-ai-ai-AIN! Can't get e-nough.
PAI-ai-ai-ai-AIN! I like it rough, 'cause I'd rather feel pain than no-thing! Rather. Feel. PAIN!
I know. I know. I know. I know. I know that you-r world is.
Ya know. Ya know. Ya know. Ya know. That I'm here to save you.
Ya know. Ya know. Ya know. Ya know. I'm al-ways here for you.
I know. I know. I know. I know. That you'll thank me later.
Pain. With-out love. Pain. I can't get e-nough.
Pain. I like it rough, 'cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
PAI-ai-ai-ai-AIN! With-out love. PAI-ai-ai-ai-AIN! Can't get e-nough.
PAI-ai-ai-ai-AIN! I like it rough, 'cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
PAI-ai-ai-ai-AIN! With-out love. PAI-ai-ai-ai-AIN! Can't get e-nough.
PAI-ai-ai-ai-AIN! I like it rough, 'cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. Rather feel pain than nothing at all. Rather. Feel. PAIN!
The song ended with a few drum beats. Like I said before, that song pretty much summed up how I felt. Nothing could've been more accurate at the time. I flipped through some more stations before deciding I didn't want to listen to any more music. One song was good enough for now. I uneventfully found my page in my book and started reading from the spot where I left off at. I read all night long, until I finally realized it was way past my bedtime. My digital alarm clock was glowing in luminous red characters. The time was 12:24am. Late, considering I had school tomorrow. I reluctantly set my alarm for 5:30am and changed into my pajamas. I cleaned my room, which really didn't need that much work done to it, and flopped in my bed. Oh, man! I loved the feeling you get when you've been working hard and you're tired, then you get to jump right into place on your bed! There's no other feeling like that feeling right there!
It didn't take too long before I drifted off into a dreamless sleep.
A steady buzzing sound reached my half-conscious ears. The most annoying and most hated sound in the world. I knew I had to get up quickly or else that same annoying, hated, buzzing sound would lull me back to sleep. Then I'd miss the bus and I'd be tardy for school and I'd be in so much trouble!
I slowly dragged myself out of my safe, warm, comfy bed. I hated to leave that warmth and security, but I hated getting in trouble even more. I'd say it took me a good ten minutes just to get completely out of bed. I tilted my head from looking at the ground to looking at the alarm clock. I took a self-note that morning: Make sure you don't set your alarm clock to 4:30am when you want a little more sleep.
One of the worst parts that morning was that every little sound that ranged from a bing to a bop to a bang irritated me. The usual daily, or morningly, noises seemed much louder. Plus, I could hardly keep my head up, let alone talk. Actually, I could've sworn my eyes were going to fall out of my head. Yes, readers! It was very bad... Somehow I managed to push through the morning without missing the bus. While I was riding the bus, I desperately wanted to put on my headphones and listen to just one measly song. That's a no-no, though! If I did that, the music would for sure put me back to sleep. I almost-chuckled softly. I mean, all I had to do was wait for what seemed like an eternity before I could relax once more in my soft bed! Now, what's not to love about that, hm?
I dug through my backpack, still hardly able to stay awake, and found a water bottle that contained emergency room-temperature high-caffeinated coffee. It was black, almost burnt at that, and beyond bitter, but I opened my emergency sugar packet and dumped the whole thing in. Normally I'm not allowed to have coffee, but this, as I've stressed, was an emergency! I gulped it down as fast as I could, being as the sugar lent next to no help with the flavor, and nearly choked on the taste. I put the nearly-empty container back into my backpack.
I couldn't help but overhear a bit of small talk that was going on throughout the boys on the bus. I was used to hearing it, but that didn't mean I liked it. All of them were talking about my looks and betting on my weight, which in reality was way more than it showed. I almost hated being pretty! I was absolutely sick of them talking about me that way. This was why I hated school. Not only that, but the girls on the bus hated me. None of them would be my friend. It wasn't because I wasn't pretty enough to be popular, God knows I was, but every girl at school was downright jealous of me. Well, not so much me as my looks and deceiving appearances. That would have to be another thing I was sick of. The boys were afraid of me because they thought I was out of their league, and the girls were too jealous of me to so much as talk to me. Is a friend too much to ask for?
The bus slowed to a halt. One by one, all the students, including me, got out and then dispersed into a high-school frenzy of rushing to get to class on time. There was the usual jeering and shoving and pushing. I was never really one to be pushed around, but rather I wasn't the one to do the pushing either. Even though it was just about essential, I let as many people by as I could afford. It worked almost every time. The whole student body gave me the official nickname: the school's waitress. This was because I would do anything they wanted that didn't harm someone else.
Anger started hiding in my eyes, which, by the way, are said to be the windows to the soul. Must've meant I was angry or something... The first class was always the hardest, or so I've heard. I began concentrating as much as possible on the first announcement of the day. Something about a new course starting up today, then something about the lunch menu. I felt my mind wandering off, begging me to let it find the nearest bed. I kept slapping it awake. Mentally, at least. My brain seemed to keep slapping me right back and painted lovely images of sleeping, snoring, pillows, and blankets in my head. The bed was evil... It was calling me! But the teacher's voice was so boring, I knew I'd fall asleep long before I could so much as think of a bed.
Before I knew it, it was lunch time. I was a bit more awake now, probably because I smelled food and we had last period lunch. I was starving, as usual. No surprise for me, but God forbid if someone else found out that I was human... It was completely abnormal the way people treated me! But no more ranting on about it. I waited my turn in line and as I did so, my one worst thought took center stage in my mind. Here it is in flashback form, if you're interested in knowing:
An average-height man with short brown hair kneeled down in front of me. This action was followed by a small woman with dyed-blonde hair doing the same. At the time, I was so small my feet didn't even touch the ground as I was sitting on the couch with my little brother right beside me. He started talking about something I didn't understand. And as he did, I could feel an air of tension between my parents. I decided to pay attention for once to what he said.
"Now sweetie, this is hard, and I'm sure you don't understand it, but... Well, your mother and I have been having a talk while you were watching television. We're getting a divorce." he softly told me, fear lurking in his voice.
I knew I was crying, but for some reason I couldn't figure out why. I knew something was wrong. I had known for some time. But what was a divorce? Somehow I knew it was very bad.
"Daddy, what's a divorce?" I asked, praying to God that it wasn't something bad, that I was just being paranoid.
My brother couldn't even talk right yet. He was around two years old. I was around five or six. Since he was too young to understand, my brother just sat there, not knowing what to do or how to respond. He didn't know what a divorce was, either.
"A divorce is..." he searched for the right way to explain this to his two extremely young kids, "It's something where me and your mother aren't going to live together anymore. But you'll still get to see us, okay?"
I knew it wasn't something I'd like. But to be told this? I was a wreck. I was crying, no, bawling, my eyes out.
At the time, I thought for sure I wasn't going to have a daddy anymore. Then I was positive of this after I was told who'd gotten custody of me and Sammy. I was so very young... I now know it was for the best, but still... I couldn't ever forget what a painful experience that had been for me. My brother probably doesn't remember it, so he's fine. But even to this day, I couldn't believe I was still suffering from something that happened ten years ago!
I watched through teary eyes as I picked up my food and went outside to eat. At times like these, I just wanted to be left alone. Throughout the entirety of the lunch period, I was undisturbed. But then when I made it back to class, I overheard some of the pre-class chatter from a small group of boys.
"Tsh-sh! Hey, look at Serena!" "I know! You see the size of those things?" "Man, I wish I could just bury my head in them!" "Dang, sometimes I wish I could switch bodies with her. Then I'd go to the ladies' room and.... Well, I don't kiss and tell." "I feel you." "Me too." "You know, I don't think there's a boy in this whole world who wouldn't give his left nut to be with her." "Truer words have never been spoken, my friend."
I looked down at a nowhere-near revealing shirt. I knew what they were talking about. I wasn't dumb. This is what I mean by abnormal. I was hot, gorgeous, and sexy. And you know what? I hated every last bit of it. Not one of them admired my personality! No, instead they admired my butt and breasts. Any other boy admired a different part of my body, like my legs or somewhere else sexual. I never wanted people to look at me that way. Sure, I would love very much to have a boyfriend, and I could get any boy I wanted just by talking to them. So what was holding me back? I wanted a boy who would be a real gentleman and love me for me, not for my body. But there wasn't a boy like that in this school, or in the whole world for that matter... They only wanted me to keep as a trophy. And for that reason, I'd never had a date before.
I listened with hatred as the boys continued their incessant description of various female body parts and what they wanted to do with them if they ever got the chance. They kept going and going until finally one of them had enough courage to come up to me.
"Hey... Serena, right?" he said, pretending like he didn't know I existed. He was trying to be suave, but that old trick didn't fool me anymore. He was a real cutie, with nice biceps that weren't too big to make me scared and and he had a lean look to him. I won't go any further, I'm only gonna say that there were definitely body parts on him that I could've talked about for ages on end. But like I said before, he didn't want me for the reason I wanted him to want me. My looks were no more than a curse. While most girls think it'd be great to have my looks, they say the grass always looks greener on the other side. They must be really desperate for male attention, if you ask me, because this side was far from green!
"So, I heard about you and all. I was just, uh... Wondering if you wanted to come to dinner with me. Your choice." he coolly said.
"No." I instantaneously replied.
"It's a one-time offer." he persisted.
"Oh, gee, I think I'll have to sleep on that one." I said sarcastically.
"Alright, alright, I can take a hint. But I'll just ask one more time. You? Me? Dinner?"
"Tell me." I said suddenly, just wanting to make sure of something before I continued this charade."Why do you want to go out with me? You don't even know me."
"..." he hesitated, not knowing what to say. It was clear no girl had asked him this before. "Well, your eyes are quite charming. And you have a nice voice."
"Tsh. You mean a nice body. Just get outta here. I don't want to date you so move on to the next girl already."
The guy bolted. Finally! He hightailed it outta there and honestly, I was grateful. And here I was starting to think he'd never leave. Most guys were scared to come near me because they were very aware that they were out of my league. But that guy must've thought he was beyond in my league. Thought wrong. For me, a guy isn't supposed to be judged by his looks, but by what's in his heart. Too bad no one seemed to have figured that out yet. They must have thought that because I was pretty, I was also brainless. Nope!
I got off the school bus and ran to the door of my dad's house. I pulled a house key out of my backpack and unlocked the door. My dad greeted me. I fixed dinner and went to bed.
