((Author's note: This story was to be my first submission, however I decided to put it on the back burner in favor of writing The Sidekick Shuffle. Naturally it's a little rough around the edges, but any new chapters should be a little more polished.))

The Renolian System. An unremarkable collection of barren, desert planets circling a blazing star which cloaked it's satellites in rays of eye-watering sunlight and blistering, sweat-inducing heat. The Renolian System had but one thing to offer known-space: Casinulon, the most infamous gambling world in the Galaxy. Space-faring races from across the many worlds would swarm to Casinulon to indulge in flashy entertainment, enormous buffet tables and downward spirals of self-destructive gambling.

It was fleeing from this planet that System Marshall Snuurk had apprehended the four idiots now sitting in the Questioning Chamber of Mind-Numbing Dullness and Uncomfortable Seating.

"ZIM DEMANDS TO MAKE HIS INTERGALACTIC COMMUNICATION." Shouted the first of the four idiots, a rather diminutive member of the Irken wearing an Acapulco shirt atop his uniform. "Zim has the right to make an Intergalactic Transmission!"

System Marshall Snuurk, an overweight, orange, reptilian creature with a bushy mustache and a ten-gallon hat gave a growl as he responded: "We gave you your call! We gave you THREE CALLS! Quit standin' on mah pastry an' SIT DOWN!"

The Irken known as Zim, crossed his arms, hopped down from the table and settled back in his seat with a sulk. Snuurk gave a grunt, before taking a bit out of his pastry, ignoring the irken's bootprint upon it.

"You boys know how much trouble yer in?!" The middle-aged lawman exclaimed, large, semi-masticated globules of pastry spraying from his mouth. "Destruction of Property! Assault and Battery! POOR TIPPING!"

"Um, excuse me... horrible, space-law enforcement officer." The fourth idiot, a member of an unrecognized species possessing an enormous cranium and wearing a tattered bellhop's uniform began, "But, I'm not really WITH this guys, so if you can just drop me off back on planet Earth-"

"None of you is leavin' this room 'til I gets some answers! STOP EATIN' THE TABLE!" Snuurk shouted at the third idiot, a squealing, giggling, malfunctioning automaton attempting to take another large bite out of the interview table.

"Gee, officer..." Began idiot number two, a fat, short, ugly irken possessing several injuries, "... It's not like anyone got hurt, right? Can't you just let us go with a warning?"

"What part of "Assault and Battery" do you not understand?!" The lawman growled. "In all mah years of apprehendin' scum an' scum-like by-products, I have NEVER beheld the amount of carnage an' destruction that you four have caused! One of my officers started vomiting in rage so hard that he TURNED INSIDE OUT!"

"So, is that a no or...?"

"Be quiet, Skoodge!"

"I'm just askin', Zim!"

"SERIOUSLY! I had nothing to do with this!"

"SILENCE, HOTELSLAVE!"

"AH FOUND GUM!"

Snuurk gave a loud, burbling roar: "SHADDAAAAAAAP!"

The idiots were silenced, save for the giggling of the robot as it pulled a piece of ancient, pre-chewed gum from the underside of the table and proceeded to eat it. The System Marshall lifted his hat and ran a claw through his greasy combover, attempting to recompose himself. "A'right... let's start from the beginin'-"

"ZIM SHALL TELL THE TALE!" Proclaimed the first idiot, leaping upon the table, yet again, much to Snuurk's displeasure. "It all started two days ago..."


The Massive. The largest ship in all of the known universe. A ship so large it could eclipse the sun of almost any world. Possessing enough firepower to turn the surface of a planet to glass, The Massive had been a joint-research project between Irken Empire and the Vortian Commonwealth that had exceeded the expectations of both parties in terms of power and sheer size. This ship was the rise and fall of empires, the power to choose the fate of entire worlds.

In retrospect, designing such a vessel was probably one of the most monumentally stupid ideas ever concieved by sentient beings, considering that it was inevitably going to fall into the wrong hands. Said wrong hands belonged to none other than current leaders of the Irken Empire, two tall, gangly idiots known as Tallest Red and Tallest Purple.

"So, you're saying the humans use this... what is this?" Inquired the Crimson Colored Co-Tallest.

"An Umbrella, my Tallest!" Zim answered, via intergalactic communication screen from the deepest, darkest bowels of his lair.

"Riiiight, so you're saying they use this to keep the rain off of them..."

"Yes."

"... but, didn't you say they were immune to the toxic effects of rain?"

"Yes."

"I see..." The Red Tallest said, stroking his chin in thought, "But, then... what's the point?"

"To prevent uncomfortable sogginess!" The Invader replied, hands folded behind his back and a look of smug, self-satifaction upon his face. Red was just about to comment when his twin cohort interjected.

"Oh, yeah. I hate that!" The Purple inclined Tallest said, waving about the aforementioned umbrella, still unopened. Red sighed at the spastic movements of his counterpart, slouching in his command chair upon the bridge of The Massive. This had been the fifth Earth "Relic" that Zim had sent them this week and despite the sheer, asinine size of The Massive, they were running out of places to put all this junk.

"So, does it emit some kind of forcefield or...?" The Purple Tallest asked, continuing to flail the umbrella around.

"Oh no, my Tallest. You simply slide your hand under that part there and-" Zim explained as Purple managed to open the umbrella, surprising his Co-Tallest in the process.

Fwoomp!

"Dah!"

"Oooooooh!" The umbrella's final form seemed to impress the violet-themed, alien overlord. He rested the device upon his shoulder, twirling it around in an idle fashion. "I like it!"

Red raised an antenna briefly at his cohort's fascination before addressing Zim, "Yes, well... Good find, Invader Zim! As a reward for this discovery..." He began as Purple discovered how to open and close the device.

Fwoomp-Fwup! Fwoomp-Fwup!

"... take the rest of the week off!" Red said, an idea sprouting within his crimson-eyed cranium.

"Take the... week... off?" Zim asked, confused.

"Yes! In recognition for your hard work, we are giving you, Invader Zim... a vacation." Red announced with a grin.

"But-"

"A MANDATORY vacation! No work! No Mission! Just vacation... STUFF!"

Zim saluted as he responded: "Very well, my Tallest! I shall endeavor to have "fun"!"

"Good! And remember..." Red continued, unaware of his purple-partner's giggling in the background, the handle of the umbrella hovering behind crimson Tallest's neck as he instructed, "During the length of this vacation, you are not to contact us under ANY circumstances! This is YOU-time, Zim! Enjoy it! End Transmission-"

"Gotcha!" Purple exclaimed, yanking upon the umbrella as he hooked the handle around his cohorts neck.

"GAK!" Red exclaimed as the transmission ended. Purple laughed hysterically as his fellow overlord fell to the floor, clutching his throat and wheezing, "I think I swallowed my voicebox!"

Purple chuckled as he returned to twirling the umbrella as he rested it upon his shoulder. "So, what was with givin' Zim a vacation? S'not like he DESERVES one and... y'know, he's horrible!"

Red coughed as he managed to push himself up, "The way I figure it, he's a workoholic, and without a steady supply of workohol, he'll end up doing stupid and self-destructive just trying to entertain himself! 'Sides, we don't have to hear from him for the rest of the week. Now gimme that umbrella!"

"No! It's mine!"

"Give it!" Red exclaimed as he lunged at his fellow Tallest, attempting to wrestle the device away from him.

"AHHHHH!"


Meanwhile, back on Earth. Zim stood staring at the transmission screen. A vacation? When was the last time he, the greatest Invader in the entirety of the Irken Empire had ever NEEDED a vacation. Never! That's when! Sure, he tended to slack off a fair bit in whatever task he was required to perform, but a vacation, actual time set aside for recreation, he did not know WHAT to do with that.

"Hm. I suppose I'll just... do... nothing." He said, standing perfectly still for a good fifteen minutes before coming to a decision.

"Wow! This is boring... I must be doing it wrong... I need an expert on the subject!" The Irken exclaimed, the perfect person to inquire coming immediately to mind as he rushed off to the surface level of his base.


Sitting upon the enormous, living room sofa staring at an equally enormous television screen sat Zim's minion: GIR. The robot in question has spent the greatest amount of time throughout Zim's Mission to conquer Earth doing absolutely nothing productive, preferring to spend his time indulging in snacks, television and the occational zany adventure. GIR was an expert on non-productivity, he wrote the proverbial book on non-productivity.

Unfortunately, he was also insane, so said book was ineligible. Luckily, sitting beside him on the couch was an individual whom would suit Zim's needs: The Ex-Invader Skoodge. True, whilst Skoodge's résumé DID have a few feathers in it (such as being the first Invader of Operation Impending Doom 2 to conquer his assigned planet) he was currently unemployed and living off of his longtime, though abusive, friend: Zim.

"... This show is AMAZING!" Skoodge exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air in jubilation. "Whoo! Eat that foie gras chili! Show 'em who's boss!"

It was about at this point that Zim made his entrance through the lift in the middle of the living room floor, "Skoodge!"

"Oh hey, buddy!" The fat Irken said, smiling at his smeethood friend, "You're just in time! This guy's about to eat a sandwich made entirely of BACON!"

Zim visibly shuddered in disgust as he the beheld the vile images upon the screen. "SWEET SPACE DOOKIE, THAT'S THE MOST DISGUSTING SIGHT I HAVE EVER SEEN!" He screamed as he sat upon the couch, "Hey, GIR. Turn it up."

The room was soon filled with an orchestra of slurps, chomps, grunts, angry kitchen staff and various gastrointestinal noises. The three sat in silence upon the coach, entranced by the antics of the fat human. Zim was the first to break said silence. "So, what's the plot?"

"Well, he's this big, fat guy." Skoodge started to explain.

"Ahuh."

"And he travels the world."

"I see."

"Visiting various resturants."

"Of course."

"Then he breaks into their kitchen and starts eating all their food until they kick him out!" The fat Irken concluded. "So, how'd the Tallest like the thingy?"

"They started fighting over it after the transmission ended." Zim responded.

Skoodge raised an antenna at that, "How do you know that if the transmission- Oh, look! He's having another heart attack!" He exclaimed, pointing at the television.

"Ooooooooh, his heart's gunna 'SPLOOOOODE!" Cheered GIR.

"Anyway..." The scrawny Irken said, staring for a long moment at the television as the fat human was prepped for heart-transplant surgery, "... Skoodge, I need your advice."

"Gosh! Really?!" The Ex-Invader said, clasping his hands together as he turned towards his friend with a grin, clearly more excited by the prospect of helping his one-and-only friend than by the chance to watch the lead surgeon make the first incision with a chainsaw.

"Yeah, need to know how to be a useless pile of garbage all day." Zim said, adding at the end: "Like you, Skoodge."

"Heheh! Well, it ain't easy!" Skoodge chuckled, seemingly unmoved by the soulcrushing statement made by his only friend. "Say, whaddya need to know it for? Next evil plan?"

Zim waved his hand, "Naw, no plan... The Tallest have awarded my latest discovery with a mandatory vacation for the rest of the week."

"A VACATION! Wow! The Tallest have never given anyone a vacation before!" The portly alien was awestruck.

"Yes, yes. Well I AM their GREATEST INVADER, Skoodge." Zim announced, posing like he was king of the spacemen.

"You got that right, buddy!" Skoodge concurred, delivering an enthusiastic right hook to the air. "Say... instead of doin' nothing... how 'bout we take an ACTUAL vacation?!"

The Invader snapped his head towards fat friend, "EXPLAIN!"

"I'm talkin' Casinulon, baby!" The retired Invader spread his arms wide. "Planet of lights, endless buffets and downward spirals of self-destructive behavior!"

"Casinulon? The infamous gambling planet? Hm, whilst the prospect of you squandering your hard-earned monies in a fruitless pursuit of greater wealth does hold great appeal to Zim, I do not think that this activity would last the entire week's end!" Zim said, stroking his chin.

"Gamblin' away all my monies while you laugh at my misfortune is but a small portion of the list of things to do on Casinulon I wrote! Here, check it out!" Skoodge explained as he handed his one-and-only friend a grease-stained list.

The Invader's eyes scanned over the list quickly, grunting and nodding over the activities as a wicked grin spread across his face, "Yesss, I especially like this last one! Zim approves of this plan, Skoodge!"

"Woohoo! Casinulon, here we come!" The slovenly alien cheered, hopping off of the couch.

"GIR!" Zim shouted at his metallic minion. The robot saluted, duty mode activated at his master's command. "Head into the city and see if you can acquire some suitcases from the primitive human craftsmen! It's time to start packing!"

"Okie-dokey!" The automaton squealed, activating his jet-boosters and sending himself crashing out the window. A moment later he calmly reentered the house through the front door and slipped on the disguise he had forgotten in his haste. He then reactivated his jet boosters and broke the remaining window as he departed.

"Skoodge! Withdraw your life-savings! We'll need funding for this trip!" The Invader commanded, pointing at his fat friend.

Skoodge held up a briefcase full of Irken Currency. "Done and done!"

"Computer! Prep the Voot Cruiser for travel!" Zim shouted towards the ceiling.

"Yeah, sure." The Base's A.I. said, dismissively.

"Prepare yourself, Casinulon! Zim is coming for you! REST AND RECREATION WILL BE MINE!" The Irken cackled maniacally.


Meanwhile at a city mall, in an outlet caitering to luggage of all shapes, sizes and smells, a young boy possessing the largest of heads and his sibling, a creature of darkness, hatred and Elite Gaming Skills in the form of a little girl, were shopping for backpacks to replace those they had lost in a recent, unfortunate incident.

"I swear, Dib..." The female began, giving her brother a stink eye so intense the wallpaper began to peel, "The next time you drag me through the park after some stupid paranormal-"

"Oh, c'mon! How was I suppose the werewombat would eat our backpacks?! Seriously, that's like the last thing I thought they would eat!" The big-headed boy retorted before mumbling, "I thought they would go for our ears..."

"You're just lucky my game wasn't in there! If it was, I would have dragged you down to the deepest, darkest pit of-"

"Gaz, look!" Dib interrupted, pointing across the outlet towards a towering pile of suitcases being carried by a manic robot in a stitched, green dog-suit. "It's Zim's deranged robot minion! What's he doing here? What does he need all those suitcases for?!"

"Maybe they had enough of your big, annoying head. Maybe they decided to move so they don't have to hear your STUPID voice, anymore." Gaz said, tossing aside a backpack which possessed a floral pattern that offended her. "Stupid, lucky robot dog."

"Who knows the kind of EVIL, ALIEN... STUFF Zim is planning to fill those suitcases with?!" The big-headed boy shuddered at the thought, those suitcases could most definitely be filled with stuff.

"Evil, alien underpants?" The Doom-Child suggested, holding up a backpack in the shape of a demonic pig to the light in consideration. She could wear this, she supposed.

"We'd better follow him just to be sure!" The colossal-craniumed child stated as he began to tail the robot dog.

"Whatever, Dib." Gaz dismissed her brother as she purchased her new backpack. Concluding that her sibling would most likely end up following the annoying automaton right back to Zim's Base, she decided she would head over there to watch her big-headed brother get pummeled mercilessly by robot gnomes. That was always entertaining.