Chapter 1: Fishes, Misses, and Dishes

author's note: Hello, thank you all for taking your time to read this. This is my first ever attempt at a fanfic so you might find some errors. But anyways, enjoy!

Pairing(s): none: maybe some the near future.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to the magnificent Oda.

Luffy and the Straw Hats, including ex-Shichibukai Trafalgar Law, currently exited Zou, and are now traveling through the New World once again. But the battles on that island has lefts some permanent scars on one particular crew member. Right now, he is currently cooking up some fried calamari, made from the underwater deku-scrubs in the Hyrule Bay. While Luffy and the others were out snorkeling, Sanji "Black Foot" Vinsmoke glared at the dish, contemplating whether the food was too salty or too sweet. As he prepared the food, his mind wandered to the battle he had with his so called fiancé Lola. His teeth started grinding together as he brought up those painful memories of his encounters.

~flashback~

"Lola! What is the meaning of this?" sanji yelled, sprinting towards the rather obese woman. The girl, in her long billowing dress, turned her head slightly at the sound of his voice, but she did not halt from her path. In her pink pumps, she ran up the flaming hill, littered with the fallen occupants of the anthropomorphic animals of Zou. "Sanji, dear, you should know well enough why," she explained in her high pitch voice and puckered her lips. She pranced up the hill beckoning Sanji to come join her by her side.

"Come Sanji-kun! Let us dine on this very mountain! You can make me my favorite desert: a triple rainbow sherbert with a double decker red velvet layer lathered with strawberry filling, and a single piece of dark fudge covered in cherries that spells out…!" Before she mentioned any more, a foot met with the side of her face at lighting speed, causing a couple of her molars to fall out due to the impact. She flew through the air and landed face first into a formation of jagged rocks. Sanji, with his hands in his pockets, gracefully landed a good seven feet away from the girl. He took the cigarette out of his mouth, blew a puff of smoke, and stuck it back into the nook of his mouth. "You didn't answer my question yet, low-life," he muttered, glaring at Lola, tossing the cigarette on her face as it's ashes flew everywhere.

~present~

'Damn that woman,' he thought while setting up the dining table with silverware. 'Thinking she can trick me into taking her hand by trying to blackmail me.' Sanji scratched the back of his head and let out a sigh, relieved that the drama is all over. He took his apron that said, I LOVE NAMI-SWAN AND ROBIN-CHWAN! in big, bold letters, and made his way out onto the dock of the Sunny. He lifted his head up and closed his eyes, feeling the sun beat down on his face with a slight breeze coming from the north. A sigh escaped through his mouth with his cigarette just barely hanging there. Sanji opened his eyes and looked around the island they landed on. It was a tropical one at such, full of fresh fruit and a shore of colorful coral. His eyes glanced to his nakama nearby. They captain of the Straw Hats, Monkey D. Luffy, was wearing a round donut float and was snorkeling. Taking a deep breath, Luffy shoved his head underwater and peered around. A few feet away, he saw a weird animal swim into a little knothole in a large rock. Curious about such a quick creature, Luffy shoved his fist into the knothole, trying to reach for this weird creature. But when he grabbed it, a shock went through his whole body, frying his brain in the process and making his float explode with a 'BOOM.' Mentally, and physically paralyzed from the shock, Luffy, started sinking to the bottom of the ocean.

"Luffy!" Sanji yelled, then quickly jumping off the boat and sprinting towards his soon to be drowned captain. 'Shit! Why does that idiot always have to go after the unknown without analyzing it first?' He thought, muttering even more vulgar language under his breath about the captain's idiocy. "Luffy! I'm coming so hang on!" He yelled leaping into the water after Luffy. 'Wait, I can't swim either! Fuck!' Sanji to, started to sink as well. He started flailing his arms to get more leverage but it was to no avail. Frantically trying to get ashore, he spotted his captain, a few feet under him, with a goofy grin plastered on his face. So, Sanji immediately tried to use his long legs to lift his captain up, but an even stranger thing reached him before he did. Far below in a deep chasm, a gurgling sound rang through the water. Emerging from the abyss was a large, grotesque creature had rose up from beneath.

Then the little serpent being in Luffy's hand started squirming and screamed aloud in fear, "Momma! The ugly land monsters are going to eat me! I'm gonna die! Help, Mommy! Help…!" Before the child could finish it's pray for life, Luffy already shoved it into his mouth and started chewing. 'Aaww, it didn't taste as good as I would've liked,' he thought crossing his arms and pouting while sinking towards the very vengeful gaping mouth of a monster. Nearby, Sanji facepalmed. Before Sanji and Luffy could do anything, they were swallowed whole by the giant monster. When Straw Hat fell down it's throat, he let out a loud cackle while Sanji was busy in the deepest, darkest parts of his mind. He found it useless to continue struggling for life. Both him and captain are going to drown because they are devil fruit users. Besides, they are already falling deep and deeper with no escape, and the last thing is possibly there are no beautiful woman here. Not that Sanji would want any women to experience something so treacherous. Sanji once again closed his eyes and put on a slight smile as his body went limp.

'Nami-san, Robin-chan, I'm sorry. If you can here me, if that is even possible, please listen to my farewell address. Though both the captain and I will not be there, I hope that you will find a good man (not as good as me of course), who's second best, and have a glorious wedding full of boobs. Sculptures of boobs, boob cake, teraboobsu, boob punch, etc. Are yu asking where I am? Heheheh. I'm going to heaven, home to the angels. Please accept my apologies again, Nami, Robin, I might find a beautiful woman somewhere else who does not hit me every time I confess my love. And lastly, my words to the rest of the crew. Chopper,…you are cool. I hope that you find a girlfriend, you need one. Franky, put some pants on! Brook, I'll be the one to see Nami-swan's panties! Usopp, get a life. Zoro…

I HOPE YOU DIE IN HELL AND DIE A VIRGIN! FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, YOUR KATANA WILL NEVER UNSHEATH OR BE POLISHED AND OTHER SEXUAL SWORD PUNS THAT I CANNOT THINK OF RIGHT NOW! BESIDES, ILL BE THE ONE TO SLEEP WITH NAMI! YOU'LL NEVER HAVE A CHANCE BECAUSE YOU ARE SO INEXPERIENCED! JUST GIVE UP! IDIOT! IDIOT, IDIOT, IDIOT, IDIOT, IDIOT…Fried Chicken Karma!?'

Suddenly, Sanji felty his whoel body turning around for a few seconds and then flying through the air, landing with a thud. "Ugh," he groaned. Trying to perch himself on his elbows, unsuccessfully, because of the compacted fishy insides. 'Damn, why is it so mushy in here? Oh, yeah! I need to find Luffy!' he thought as he tried to feel around for Luffy's body. 'Why is it so dark in here anyway?' he also added before a blade comes down from above just inches from his face, managing to remove a few hairs. "Eh!?" Sanji cried out as the blade retracted back up through the top of the gigantic fish, leaving a rather large opening with sunlight pouring through. His eyes widened at first but then started to narrow as his mind shifted to accusing the green-haired swordsman. 'That stupid piece of shit!' Sanji thought gritting his teeth. Then again, the blade comes back through, but this time, it seemed to be slicing the flesh. Up and down, up and down. Now he really agitated at Zoro for almost taking his life a second time. Sanji then scooted a little ways to avoid the blade, and positioned himself in a crouch. His left foot dug into the flesh below, allowing him to gain more friction. "I'll shown you spiky-head, to never mess with me!"

"Diablo Jamble!" Sanji screamed as his body was engulfed in flames and propelled himself up, towards the wielder of the blade. He then swung his right leg to hit his target with extreme force. When his foot met with the side of the Zoro's face, he let out a loud scream of pain. 'Hm?' Sanji thought from the sound coming out of his victim. 'Was that idiot really making that noise? Heh. Perhaps he's gone soft,' Sanji thought smirking at the idea.

"Sanji! What are you doing?" asked a female voice from nearby filled with anger and concern. Confusion filled him up with determination to find out who spoke up to him. This also made him second guess himself if the guy he hit was really Zoro. Nevertheless, he couldn't miss this opportunity to make himself seem more superior.

"I finally hit you, and now you're whimpering. Some sword-guy you are if you couldn't avoid that. If that's true, you'll never have a chance with Nami-swan! She prefers manly men over weaklings like you!" It felt so good downgrading him when he couldn't even fight back. It made him feel so, pleasurable. He was brought back to reality when Nami balled up her fist and smashe it against his skull.

"Waaah! Nami-san! Was that really necessary?" Sanji responded in almost a cry.

"Doofus! Pay attention to whom you are hitting!" she yelled at him, pointing at the curled up silhouette by the creature.

"Hm," Sanji mumbled, squinting his eyes for more effect at the person. When the person finally fell forward out of the shadow, he was in worst shape than the fish. He then grabbed Sanji's left leg, sputtering out misunderstandable words. Sanji glared at him responded, "You son of opp!?" When Sanji finally focused on the person in front, it seems it wasn't Zoro. Shocked, his cigarette fell out of mouth onto the sand as he stuttered a simple phrase, "U-usopp?"