Shut Out
After sleeping with Cuddy, House freaks out and avoids her, leaving him time to reflect on his own actions. Companion to Emotionally Detached.
The elevator doors slide open and Dr. House steps out, but upon seeing one Dr. Lisa Cuddy, the woman he loves, he turns and slips back inside between the slowly closing doors. Thankful that he is alone in the elevator, he becomes furious with himself for what he is doing to Lisa, for what he is doing to himself.
He doesn't want to hurt her, but he doesn't want to deal with the consequences of everyone knowing how he feels. He doesn't want to feel the fear of irrationality that rises in his chest whenever he's with her. He doesn't want anyone to know his fear exists. He knows Wilson can see right through him, but it's easy to ignore Wilson's abilities and move on. It's easy to accept him for who he is and not tell him how much he really needs and appreciates his friendship. It's not easy for him to be afraid; it's even less easy to admit that he's afraid.
He imagines what he would say to Cuddy if she were to confront him. He wouldn't look at her. He would say, "Don't make me talk to you. Don't make me look at you."
She would say, "House, this is stupid. What's wrong? Why are you so afraid of me?"
"I'm not afraid of you. And don't think I'm afraid ofgetting hurt," he would say.
"What are you afraid of?" she would insist.
He would explode and go on a rant. He would tell her everything he was thinking, everything he was afraid of. She did that to him. She made him crazy; she made him emotional; she made him irrational; she made him do things he would never do otherwise. He would say, "I'm afraid of being healed. I'm scared that I'll hurt you. People don't change, but I'm afraid you'll make me different. I'm afraid I'll lose what I love most about me. I'm afraid you'll give me real emotions. I'm afraid of change."
"We all know that," she would say, oblivious to the fact that he was willing to pour his heart out to her at her first request. "But if you know the change will be good, if you know I love you back-"
"Then it's not a game," he'd cut her off.
"Our love is a game?" she would cry.
He would sigh and say, "Figuring people out is my one and only game; all the other games I play stem from that. And I can figure you out from where I stand now, but the closer I get, the more real you become, and I don't think I can figure out something so real."
"I - House -" she would stammer.
He would shake his head, knowing she had no way to respond and say, "So don't make me talk to you. Don't make me look at you. 'Cause I won't. 'Cause I can't. 'Cause I'm shutting you out."
He knows what she'd say to that. "House, get a grip. Reality is easier than you think it is. You love me. Admit it."
And he knows he'd be able to walk away. He would walk away and leave her there, standing dumbstruck at his ability to walk away from love. He would shut her out.
