Haruhi Suzumiya Goes To War

Chapter 1: "Thoroughly Modern Melancholy"


"A normal day without anything going wrong, please. Just this once!" Kyon begged feverishly, while clasping his hands in prayer. He squeezed his eyes shut and gently pressed his forehead flat to the coffee table in front of him.

Kyon had been through this routine almost every single day since the Brigade had been formed by none other than Haruhi Suzumiya; leader, chief, and slave driver of the club. Kyon thought the term "eccentric" was an understatement when applied to her. So were the words "insane" and "psychopath."

Attempting to squeeze his eyes even tighter, Kyon isolated himself from every possible distraction in the SOS clubroom until only his heartbeat and the sound of his breath were heard. Unfortunately, one particularly annoying esper always managed to slip past his mental defenses.

"Ah, Kyon. You've been lapsing into that prayer for approximately an eternity now," Koizumi commented with a smirk, setting aside the magazine he was perusing. "Besides, it's not recommended to pray in a non-religious school, right?"

"Oh, shut up, Itsuki," Kyon's voice was muffled by the thickness of the table, but his bitterness was not. "It couldn't hurt to try,right?"

"The problem is, Kyon, that Haruhi is the only one that can even manifest a slimmer of your wish," Koizumi said, still smiling. "Personally, I'm not much of a religious man, but irregardless, you're just wasting good minutes."

"And that is all I ask for," Kyon replied, abandoning his clasped hands, "a slimmer." Instead, he opted to stick his index fingers squarely inside his eardrums and sing "La, la, la" to himself all day long. Of course, Kyon realized that was a ridiculous way of achieving total silence. He quickly thought of another plan to rid himself of Koizumi's annoying-pitched tone. Kyon shrugged and rolled up his sleeves, preparing to entreat to the heavens again.

"Eh, is something wrong, Kyon?" a timid voice asked.

Kyon's eyes opened and stared into the pupils of the person where the voice had originated.

"It's quite all right, Mikuru", Kyon gave her a reassuring smile. Mikuru returned the friendliness. She picked up a small cup from a nearby tray and offered it to him. Kyon thanked her and sipped gratefully, savoring the bitter aroma on his tongue for as long as possible.

Setting the beverage down and running a hand through his hair, Kyon mulled over what wild goose chase the SOS Brigade Chief had in store for him today. "Probably nothing too major," he thought, "as long as she doesn't do anything drastic, I'll probably come out relatively unharmed-"

BAM! THWACK!

Kyon's eardrums jumped at the sound of the front door having its hinges almost literally ripped off. "Oh, God, no-", Kyon barely had time to contemplate before-

"YEE-HAAAAA!"a high-pitched shriek emerged from the direction of the door frame. There stood Miss Suzumiya in all her glory, grinning from ear to ear and wielding a briefcase akin to a spiked club. She waltzed into the clubroom like a rampaging Viking, swinging the briefcase wildly, nearly taking poor Mikuru's head off in the process. Mikuru had learned to cope with the briefcase and instinctively ducked whenever it came close, but not without covering her head and crying in terror.

"Good afternoon, fellow Brigadiers!" Haruhi cried cheerfully when she appeared at the head of the table. "Good afternoon, Haruhi" Itsuki returned the cheerfulness. "Er, good afternoon, Haruhi", Mikuru whimpered while she nervously poured herbal tea. "Afternoon, Haruhi", the third voice belonging to Nagato, sitting in a corner of the room with her eyes glued to the novel in front of her.

Haruhi slammed the briefcase down on the table with an audible thud, making Kyon grimace and massage his ears. He angrily glared up at the ceiling. "Thanks for nothing," he growled. Kyon reluctantly turned towards her. "So, what's on the agenda today, Haruhi?"

Haruhi's head turned to glare balefully at him. "Oy, Kyon! Don't ask such obvious and stupid questions in the presence of the SOS Brigade Chief!" Haruhi snapped at him. "It's quite obvious that today we will continue in our quest to improve the world by locating aliens, time travelers and other various abnormal life forms! Et cetera, et cetera!" Haruhi smirked confidently at him.

Everyday it was the same. Haruhi marched in, slammed her belongings down and declared we search everywhere for her precious aliens and whatnot. Sure, we were allowed to play games and read, but we still had to "search" while performing these various activities. This time, Kyon would try and have a little fun with Haruhi. What could possibly go wrong?

"Well, we've been searching for any sign of aliens…" Kyon cast a sideways glance at Nagato at the corner of the room, "time travelers," he winked at Mikuru, "and 'et cetera'," Kyon narrowed his eyes at Itsuki, "but we still haven't found much pertaining to-"

"Shut up!" Haruhi roared at him. She slammed her palms down hard upon the coffee table, making Mikuru spill a few drops of tea. The expression etched on her face seemed to want to hurt him, but her eyes desired to kill him.

Kyon retained his composure and answered in a calm manner. "All I'm saying, Haruhi, is perhaps we should move on to other projects besides this wild goose chase-"

It only took a mere split second for Kyon to regret his words and even less time for him to be jerked out of his seat by a strong hand grasped firmly around his tie. He stood face to face with Haruhi, his face mere centimeters from hers and hot breath flowing down his collar.

He tried to jerk his head to the right, away from her, but Haruhi simply tugged harder on his tie and pulled harder until she whispered softly into his ear.

"Do not ever question the orders given to you by the Brigade Chief. If I ever get so much as a whiff of disloyalty from you or anyone here, very bad things will happen." Her words were like poisoned honey.

Kyon felt a sudden release on his shirt and collapsed back into his seat gasping for air. The silence was thick as butter, only interrupted by the flipping of pages by Nagato, who still had her eyes plastered to the book in her hands. Haruhi cast a malevolent stare at Itsuki and Mikuru. Koizumi returned with a passive gaze and a frown while Mikuru simply looked petrified.

Straightening his tie, Kyon thought of a way to amend the situation without anyone being injured. "All right, judging from that sudden outburst from her, either Haruhi is trying to murder me or deeply cares in maintaining our friendship." Kyon thought cynically to himself.

Knock. Knock.

Everyone's heads turned, (even Nagato looked up), towards the door. Kyon squinted and tilted his head to see several shadows moving outside. He sat up and walked towards the door, pressing his ear against the wood. He could only hear muffled whispers and moved his hand towards the doorknob to investigate when he heard something being shoved under his foot. Rapid footsteps could be heard, shuffling down the hall. Glancing downwards, he picked up a small white envelope that had slid under his feet.

"Oh, we have mail!" a cry of excitement came from behind him. Kyon found himself violently shoved to one side and the envelope wrenched from his hands. He spun on his heel and took a glimpse at Haruhi greedily tearing off the cover, gleefully hugging the letter to her chest, slightly more cheerful than her recent mood.

"We haven't gotten any mail since the club was formed!" she exclaimed happily.

"And you wonder why?" Kyon silently quipped. "What person would be crazy enough to send us something other than a debilitating illness?"

Slowly, she unfolded the slip of paper and read the front. "From the 'Desk of the Student Council'?" Haruhi cocked an eyebrow suspiciously. Her eyes scanned across, up, and down the letter. As she read, the various expressions on her face changed from content to concerned, to her mouth hanging open in shock. Kyon immediately regretted not simply opening the door and bolting from the room.

He observed that the more Haruhi read, the more uncontrollably her hands shook. He had hoped that this particular piece of paper wasn't the fuse that would set off the ticking time bomb.

Oh, how wrong he was.

Gingerly, Haruhi made her way over to Kyon's abandoned seat and slumped backwards into the folding chair, letting the paper slip from her hands and lay face up on the table. Her face was paler than ever, with shoulders sagging and her hair ribbons in a net of tangles. ("How in the world did that happen?" Kyon thought.)

Kyon and Itsuki exchanged worried glances. "Haruhi…what seems to be the matter?" Kyon gently asked her. She said nothing, but rather folded her arms and laid her head upon the table face down. A few moments of silence and then a muffled, "Read the letter", emitted from her.

"Oh, come now. What could possibly be so terrible in this letter?" Kyon made an effort to buffer the rising anxiety in his voice.

Kyon saw Haruhi's head shift towards him, her face quivering

Nothing.

"They're terminating us...", she said in a quiet whisper.