Disclaimer: I do not own Beetle Bailey or it's characters.
Note: this was originally planned as a one-shot, but afterwards I had to split it into two chapters.
Chapter 1,
[Reveille plays]
He's the military hero of the nation,
Though he doesn't always follow regulation,
At the sound of Reveille,
He is here for you to see,
And we know you'll laugh and cry with Private Beetle Bailey,
Beetle Bailey,
As the General, Colonel, Major and the Captain,
The Lieutenant, and the Sergeant and the Corporal,
They will tell you with a shout,
They would gladly live without,
A certain Private by the name of Beetle Bailey,
Beetle Bailey!
Beetle and Zero were in their barracks because Sarge had put them on the clean up detail instead of KP once again. Zero was vacuuming the floor as he happily watched Beetle laying in bed. Beetle was reading some trashy comics, which gave him a bit of an erection. He hasn't been able to see Bunny for about a month now, and he was starting to feel the pent up frustration.
"Oh, she is so hot." Beetle whispered and Zero twisted his mouth, annoyed.
Part of Zero was anticipating having more fun in the army. That is what the recruitment officer said anyways. And his friends told him that staying in the army would be a good opportunity to experiment sexually. Though Zero wanted to play around, he didn't really have any real opportunities... so far.
"Hey Zero, you sleep next to Killer a lot, right?" Beetle suddenly asked and Zero nodded.
"Yeah, why?" He asked and Beetle shifted and adjusted his crotch.
"Well, he has the highest sex drive in all of A company, perhaps in the entire Camp Swampy. Have you ever seen him, touch himself?" Beetle asked and Zero laughed.
"Are you kidding, Beetle? Half of his bed is soaked in cum. He is pretty confident, which is why he can hit targets across the room." Zero commented and Beetle grimaced a little.
"Well, old buddy, you wouldn't mind if I just whacked off a bit, would you?" Beetle asked with a bit of a blush and Zero shrugged.
"Ah, Beetle, I'm too busy vacuuming to really notice you." Zero said as he focused on the floor. Beetle unzipped his pants and he started to stroke his erection.
Zero watched him out of the corner of his eye, and he noticed two things. One, Beetle's penis was only five inches, which was smaller then he was; but the second was that, watching Beetle pleasure himself was quite erotic. Focusing a lot of attention to his head, Beetle panted slightly as he read his little porn comic. Zero bit his lower lip as he heard the Sarge outside.
"Otto! Oh, Otto! Where are you?"
Honestly the added danger of getting caught aroused Zero even more, but Beetle didn't seem to hear him at all.
"Here, doggie, doggie. Oh where, oh where could you've gone?"
Zero actually saw the sarge pass by their window. But Zero had a clear view of Beetle's erection. If Zero really wanted to get a homosexual experience, then perhaps this could be his chance. Leaving the vacuum on behind him, Zero walked over to the edge of the bed so that he could suck Beetle.
"Oh, man. She is so hot." Beetle whispered seconds before Zero's tongue touched his penis.
Feeling embarrassed and a bit insulted, Zero silently pulled away. He picked up the vacuum again and deliberately sucked up Beetle's comic.
"Hey, what's a matter with you Zero? You some kind of a nut or something." Beetle asked, with a dangling erection outside of his pants. Zero was smiling because he was aware that he wasn't the smartest guy on camp, so every once in a while he can act stupid and no one would know the difference.
"Duh, don't you remember, Beetle? Sarge put us on the clean up detail, and told us to get rid of everything trashy." Zero said, and it was the truth, but Beetle was still upset; clearly.
"I know, I know. And this is the thanks I get, for letting you do all the work?" Beetle complained and Zero noticed how Beetle's dick was pressed against the stomach of his uniform.
"Geez, I'm sorry, Beet." Zero said, half-apologetic.
"Well, we've only got ten minutes to finish. So on the double!" Beetle shouted as he walked into the bathroom to work off some aggression.
"Phef. Yeah, yeah sure Beet. Maybe you should thank me for doing all the work." Zero muttered and he thought of Beetle stroking himself again.
"Maybe, if you really wanted to thank me then you would have put on a better show, or even let me have sex in your ass for the next... wait, uh to finish in ten minutes? I better put it on super-duper jet high." Zero said, turning the dial to that setting and the vacuum started to have a life of it's own.
"Whoa! Oh, uh, down boy, Whoa!" Zero said. The vacuum was a powerful that all 4 shots of Beetle's cum came flying out of the bathroom and into the vacuum. But as distracted as Zero was with the vacuum, he did not notice that Sarge was making his way back to the window.
"Otto, come out. Come out, where ever you are. Hey!" Sarge shouted and then the vacuum sucked him through the window and against the nozzle of the vacuum.
"Turn that blasted thing off!" Sarge ordered.
"Right away warden, uh sir." Zero respectfully said with a salute, and then he did as he was told.
By this point, Beetle had recovered from his orgasm and sweetly walked out of the bathroom, with his dick back inside his pants.
"What's up troopies?" Beetle said, back to his normal level of happiness.
"I'm taking you two off this clean up detail. That's what's up troopies." Sarge mocked Beetle with that last sentence.
"No fair, no fair. We're just catching onto this here detail. We're still entitled to eight minutes more, you know." Zero complained. Though he didn't like to do all the work, he could set up the foundation into seducing Beetle into relations.
"My dog Otto is missing. I want you to find him." Sarge said, ignoring Zero completely.
"Sarge! We'll find Otto; sure as my name is Beetle Bailey!" Beetle exclaimed, happy to jump at any chance for slacking off.
"You better, 'cause if you don't you're name is gonna be 'raped'. Now let's onto that one on the double, Aghhh!" Sarge growled, and Beetle and Zero started looking for Otto. Though oddly enough neither of them noticed that Otto was right beside them for most of their search.
"Do you see him, Zero?" Beetle asked and instead of a standard 'no', Zero thought that he may charm Beetle with a bit of good humor.
"Uh, no Beet. I can't see hide or hair of him." After a small pause, Zero assumed that Beetle didn't understand his joke.
"Uh, get it Beet?" Zero asked with a laugh and Beetle turned towards Zero.
"Otto's a dog, and I said 'hide or hair of him'." Then Zero giggled again.
"Is that funny or ain't it?" Zero finally asked, getting annoyed at the lack of response.
"Remind me to laugh sometime. Come on, we've got to find that Bitch." Beetle said and Otto turned towards the soldiers and decided to dish out a little revenge.
"Wow, Beetle, I thought Otto was a boy doggie." Zero said and Beetle sighed.
A few minutes later, in a bit of woods, Otto stood behind a log and started to bark.
"A dog!" Zero said, excitedly and Beetle noticed the log.
"Otto's in that log. We'll flank him." Beetle whispered feeling super smart.
"Yeah, like in a real army maneuver-er." Zero said, this time trying agreement to win Beetle over as they crawled into both ends of the log.
Outside the log, Otto barked again, and smiled at the trap he sent the boys into.
"I still hear him Beet, but it's too dark I'm here to see him." Zero admitted until he left a fluffy leg against his hands.
"I think I got him, Beet." Zero exclaimed and suddenly a spray of pure stink covered both soldiers. Then at the realization of what was in the log, the two soldiers ran away at top speed. Afterwards Otto's old skunk friend graced out of the log and the two shook hands on a job well done.
Zero and Beetle needed to change their uniforms. Though instead of cleaning the uniform to get rid of the smell, the two soldiers stripped to their undershirt and boxers and decided to burn the clothes in the furnace. Otto watched this scene with pride.
"As soon as we change these clothes, we'll have to go after that Bitch again." Beetle said and Otto glared at them. Apparently they hadn't learned their lesson.
So now, late in the evening the soldiers marched around. Most of the camp had gone to bed and were sleeping, but they still needed to find Otto.
"If you were a dog, Zero, and you's was lost, where do you think you would go?" Beetle asked and Zero thought this would be a good opportunity to show off his more creative side.
"Jeez, Beet. If I was a dog, I bet it would be fun. I could run, and jump, and play all day. Dig for bones, always having sex in the doggie style position, and-"
"Forget it, forget it, make believe I didn't say anything!" Beetle groaned out and Zero was disappointed. Plato was very creative and Killer was witty and both of them could get lots of pretty girls. Why wasn't these techniques working on Beetle.
From the Mess Hall, Cookie throws out the garbage from the evenings meal, and Beetle spotted a huge bone, which got him very excited.
"Hey, I got an idea. If this doesn't bring him, nothing will." Beetle picked up the bone and started banging it against the trash can. Part of this made Zero think of Beetle as an odd caveman, which was a bit erotic to him.
"Here doggie, doggie." Beetle shouted and Zero pretended that Beetle was actually asking other cave people for anal sex. Though it would be better if Beetle had added the words:
"Come and get it!" Zero said out loud before he could stop himself. He blushed, but didn't have to worry about Beetle's reaction because all the noise woke up Sarge. His light turned on and he rushed to the window.
"What are you trying to do, wake up the whole camp?" Sarge said, frustrated. He rushed out of his sleeping quarters and to the two reckless morons.
"Give me that toy!" Sarge said, taking the bone from Beetle. Only when the banging had stopped could one here the wave of hungry barks heading towards them. Sarge screamed, but he was still holding the bone when the dogs attacked. They bit, and tugged, and ripped open Sarge's skin until he passes out from the pain.
Zero was the one to jump into action, while Beetle shouted at Cookie to call an ambulance. Zero ripped the bone out of Sarge's hands and lured the dogs away from his superior.
When he couldn't outrun them anymore, Zero threw the bone away and climbed up the nearest tree.
"Whew!" Zero said, leaning back against the base of the tree while he caught his breath.
"Ruff, Rudd!" Zero heard a familiar dog bark and he looked up and saw Otto staring at him.
"Oh-ho, Otto. There you are doggie, doggie. Come here, Beetle and I were looking all over for you." Zero said and Otto growled hatefully.
"Whoa, Otto? Why are you so upset?" Zero asked and Otto glared at him.
"You think I'm a Bitch." Otto growled out and Zero blinked.
"Oh, Otto, I said no such thing." Zero said.
"Beetle." Otto growled and Zero nodded slightly.
"Well, he did call you that, but I wouldn't be too concerned with that, Otto. Beetle just wanted to find you so that you could go back to Sarge." Zero said and Otto stopped glaring but kept growling.
"I guess I need to say more things. Well, if you can keep a secret, then I'll tell you that I want to put my 7 and a half tall cock into his ass. I guess, for you, I can be rough with him. Is that better?" Zero asked and hearing this did make Otto stop growling and Zero smiled.
"Yay, now will you come down to me? We should take you to Sarge right away." Zero said, but Otto didn't move a muscle.
"Please come down with me, Otto. Sarge got really hurt and we sent him to the hospital." Zero said and Otto jumped into Zero's arms and whined.
"Hurry." He growled and Zero rushed back to Beetle.
"Hey-Hey, Zero you managed to find that stupid mutt." Beetle said and Otto growled at him.
"Hey Beet. Otto and I were talking and we think that you should apologize for all the names you called him today." Zero said and Beetle paused for a second.
"Zero, I think we have plenty of time to sort this out after we get to the hospital m. You missed the ambulance, but I don't think it will take that long to patch Sarge up." Beet said, and he was surprised when Zero simply held up Otto.
"But... he's the one, who... um..." Beetle muttered, only half sure why Zero was being so serious.
"Oh, fine, whatever. Otto... I am sorry for the things I called you earlier." Beetle said and Otto wagged his tail and licked Beetle's face.
"Ok, ok. Heh, let's go to the hospital now." Beetle said as he gently took Otto into his arms.
