Disclaimer – I own nothing of this story. Nothing at all. Wish I did but what can ya do.
Also, the italics are flashbacks, and everything else is in the present.
If anyone has any ideas to help or anything, do leave feedback.
Enjoy!
This chapter is in Olivia's POV.
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Who am I? I'm a woman who works day and night, and in the end, comes home to an empty bed. An empty, cold, bed. Everyone asks me about my love life and I never know what to tell them. Sure, I've brought guys back to my apartment and the next morning they're gone, but I want more. But then, there were nights where I brought home woman, and they ended up staying in the morning, yet it didn't feel right. So basically, I'm back to where I started; alone.
I'll admit that I'm very hard headed when it comes to who I date, but I can't help that. Ever since I dated a man named Michael, I've been scared to find someone. He, of course, turned out to be a perp that we've been looking for for months. When we finally caught him, he laughed in my face and basically said he used me to beat the system. I remember everything so clearly…
"Olivia, my dear Olivia… how could you not see this coming? You've grown more and more attached to me and I always used it to my advantage. What did you expect my dearest Olivia? Sooner or later you were gonna find someone who would end up being someone you'd have to lock up, and I guess I'm the one for you. I'm truly proud of myself for this accomplishment. You've all worked for months tracking me down, and all along I was in your bed. It makes me laugh really… But in your defense, you're a wonderful woman, and great in bed might I add. Olivia, you caught me, and now you lost me.. I'm a baby raper, yes a baby raper, and I enjoy it thoroughly. I know you'll never forget me I say this because now you'll know that every time we were in bed, I thought it was the children I got a hold of.. Just remember that from now on…"
Ever since that speech he said to me, I haven't been able to go on any dates without being afraid that one day, I'll end up booking them for some type of sexual crime. It scares the shit out of me. Maybe I should go back to dating women? Women were always so much more caring and soft. But no one in my squad knew, not even Elliot. How would I tell him that I was bisexual? How would he take that? Elliot and his family were religious, so what if he shunned me? Would he ask for a new partner? Would he try to track down Dani and give her another shot? Honestly, I don't know the answers to all my questions. If I wrote down every fear, every question that popped into my head about everything, I'd probably fill up so many notebooks. I would, but I don't want to waste the paper. I know Munch knows something is up. I've been slow and groggy recently at work, and he's not stupid. He's always the first to know when something is wrong with me. But how do I break it to all of them? I've been working with them for so long, so why can't I tell them I like women? What's so hard about that? All I have to do is walk in to the squad room and say, "I like women." Who knows what their reaction might be. But I know the main question would be is "who made you realize you liked women more then men?" and I don't know if I could be honest with them. The woman I feel for didn't even know how I felt, but I had such strong feelings for her that I knew they were true. That woman was perfect in my eyes. Absolutely perfect. But then again, maybe it wouldn't be hard for me to tell them… I'd just have to say her name and all was said and done.
Alexandra Cabot.
ADA Alexandra Cabot.
And truth be told, I miss her.
It's been almost 5 years since she was put into WPP, and to this day, I know we had something. Maybe not physically, but emotionally we were close. But now she has to come back soon. The drug dealers were all killed in a drug bust, so that means she should be coming back soon.
I'm getting my hopes up thought, don't you agree? I'm sure she's married, has an amazing job, has kids even, and forgot about this place. Forgot about me… The thought of her forgetting her previous life breaks my heart. I wish she would come back to the squad. Don't get me wrong, I love Casey and all, but Alex… Alex was the first to really show us what being stubborn, strong, and tough was all about. And then there were the nights where everyone left, and I was still working on papers, and I'd look into her office, and she seemed emotionally drained. She seemed so upset with herself and angry that she couldn't finish up her work. I remember one night I knocked on her office door offering to help her, and she looked up.
"Detective, as much as I would love some help, I'm going to have to decline. I just have so much work that I need to read and go over and it's endless…" She put her head in her hands.
"How 'bout some coffee then, Counselor? There's the small diner across the street if you want to go. Get your head cleared for a little it, then I promise you could get back to your work, or better yet, go home and get some sleep…" I was very hopeful when she looked up with a half smile, and she nodded. "That would be wonderful Detective."
We went to the diner, and we ended up talking for almost 2 hours. Sure, we both had work in a couple of hours, but neither of us cared because we were enjoying ourselves. After that night, she never declined my help. I'd see her struggle, and once I was done my work, I offered a hand to help her, and we almost always finished the work. I noticed she started opening up to me about her life, and how much she needed a break off of work. I was there for her, and not just because I had feelings for her, but I knew she needed a friend…
…I just wish I told her everything I felt before she got sent off. The night she got shot was the worst night of my life. I thought I was going to lose my best friend when it happened. Even though she was still alive, I still lost her. God knows where she's been living, and I… I can't stop thinking about what If I told her everything. What would happen if I did pour my heart out to her? Would that make me feel better then I do now? Would that have made her stay? I doubt it…
But all I know is, I miss her.
And I wish she would come back to us…
……..to me.
