This Is Not Goodbye

Disclaimer: The standard blah blah about not owning CSI etc.

Different ending and post Goodbye and Goodluck, Sara didn't leave instead she stayed and tried to cope. Sam Braun survived being shot as well and is now being a good father and friend to everyone.

Chapter 1

Finally Sara had cracked through Hannah West's icy exterior and delivered the cruelest blow of all, that West himself had committed suicide. It was crueler than convicting her of the offence, although now she'd probably plead guilty, Sara didn't care now. The Sidle stamina was gone, she was cracking at the seams as she headed home to Gil. Two years they had been together, he'd even proposed to her and she'd said yes, now she was deep in thought. So deep that she almost ran a red light. 'Slow down Sidle, get home intact then let your thoughts wander.'

Once home she sat down to write Gil a letter, she decided she'd leave CSI, so she picked up her pen and wrote from the heart.

Gil,

You know I love you. I feel I've loved you forever. Lately I haven't been feeling very well. Truth be told, I'm tired. Out in the desert, under that car that night, I realized something and I haven't been able to shake it.

Since my father died, I spent almost my entire life with ghosts. We've been like close friends and out there in the desert, it occurred to me, that it was time for me to bury them. I can't do that here. I'm so sorry.

No matter how hard I try to fight it off, I'm left with a feeling that, I have to go. I have no idea where I'm going, but I know I have to do this. If I don't, I'm afraid I'll self-destruct, and worse, you'll be there to see it happen. Be safe.

Know that I tried very hard to stay. Know that you are my one and only. I will miss you with every beat of my heart. Our life together was the only home I've ever really had. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I love you...I always will.

Goodbye.

She cried as she wrote the letter, knowing this would be the only way out, the only way for her to find herself, as she already had him. She cried as she sealed the letter into an envelope and wrote Gil Grissom lovingly on the front of the envelope. It was done, now all she had to do was empty her locker and leave without anyone noticing. Easier said than done in the lab. She collected all her most valued possessions from her locker, removed her name tag from her vest, throwing her name in with all the trash, then saw him as she was leaving. He was talking to Hodges, but he did deserve one last kiss (Grissom not Hodges you lot sheesh), so she paused in her 'escape' to hold him close and gave him a last kiss that left him speechless and left Hodges dumbfounded and feeling like a third wheel on a two wheel bicycle.

She cut the kiss off, when the need for air became overwhelming, then she turn, her smile dropping from her face and she walked out of the lab crying. She cried in the taxi as she was driven down the strip, cried as she went home to collect her belongings sitting the hall, cried as she said goodbye to Hank, their wonderful boxer dog, and he of course cried with her, he could sense that she was leaving and whined, making her pause.

Judy had given Grissom the letter and as he sat reading it, tears fell from his eyes onto the paper, his love was leaving him, for what? To bury old ghosts, but should she do it alone and would he lose her forever if she did self destruct? He had to find a way to help her, to stop this insane plan of hers, to seriously get away from work and maybe go on that cruise, find herself, himself, themselves and get married, to make a life away from CSI if necessary, he had to take that final step. He decided that if he didn't go now he never would.

"Catherine, can I see you in my office now please, it's urgent."

"Sure Gil, what's wrong," she said as she came in and shut the door, seeing the sad look on his face for the first time, then the dampened letter on his desk.

"Read this first, then I'll tell you what I'm going to do, but I'll need your advice."

As Catherine read, her eyes dropped a few tears as well, the letter sounded so full of love, yet full of pain at the same time, and she knew what Gil had to do, if ever his face would smile again.

"Go after her Gil, do what is necessary for her, and for yourself. If you seriously want to love that girl of yours and marry her, you need to help her with anything she needs to do. Am I making myself clear Gil?"

"The shift would be yours then Catherine, I don't know how long I'll be gone nor even if I'll be coming back. Hopefully we'll both come back, but if not you deserve the promotion anyway, enjoy it and my paperwork."

"Thanks Gil, now go, find her, catch before it's too late. I'll tell the rest of the team and keep them updated if you keep me updated, GO."

Grissom left, his office stayed the same in the hopes he would be coming back but if not then it could all be shipped to where he would make his new life. He hurried to the only home he had ever known with her, praying he wasn't too late, praying that she was still there, just praying and speeding.

He arrived just as the lights went out in his house and Sara emerged to a waiting taxi, this was his last shot, his only shot.

"Sara! Wait! Talk to me first then decide." He needed to get her to just stop long enough for a conversation then take things as they came.

"Gil, you read my letter, wasn't that enough? What more do you want, I can't stay here now, I have to do this, I need time away from Vegas."

"I know honey, but come back inside for a moment," he said dismissing the taxi, "I have a few things I want to say as well in reply to your letter, I just didn't have time to write them down or find any fancy sonnets, so it's just plain, unadulterated Gil Grissom speaking, no quotes."

Sara sighed and watched as he took her luggage back inside, meekly following him, Hank bounding happily that the family were together again although he could still sense the sadness in them both.

"Ok Gil what did you want to say, I still have a flight in 3 hours."

"Sara, when you said yes to my proposal of marriage, you made me the happiest man in the world, now I'll be the saddest if you leave without me." Sara's ears perked up at the last part of his statement. "I'm not saying I don't want you back in the job, hell I'd love that but you have important things to do, also we have a wedding to plan, so if you'll still take me as your husband, let me come with you. Wherever you want or need to go, I want to be there for you, to help you put your ghosts to rest, to help you be happy. We'll just be Gil and Sara, not CSI and Supervisor, not two CSIs, just two normal people on an abnormal quest to find the true path to a happiness long denied us. What do you say?"

"I… I don't know what to say Gil, truth is that letter said that I don't know where I'm going, and it's true, first stop is San Francisco to see my mother, then I had no other plans."

"Well why not go see her together, tell her we are engaged, I'm sure she'd like to meet her prospective son-in-law, then we go wherever you want, be it a cruise, following in the footsteps of Darwin, or living in a cottage by the beach so you can surf every day. What do you think?"

"What about the lab? What about the team? Your job and everything, it's part of you, you can't just stop Gil, I don't want you hating me in later years because I took you away from your job."

"I can always go back eventually, or go into teaching again, I'm always getting requests. Catherine knows where I am, she has the team, and I'll never hate you, I think I was getting too old for that anyway. We are going to work out your problems first, then mine, get married have a nice honeymoon, then rethink everything if you like."

"I never thought you'd leave your job for me Gil, it only took you eight years, but yes, let's do it together, slowly. I did only put in for an initial 6 months leave anyway, sorry you didn't see it, it went straight to Ecklie."

Sara and Gil spent the night together in their own home, with Hank at the foot of the bed, paws over his ears as his mom and dad spent the hours writhing and moaning in pleasure and the wild ecstacy of unbridled sexual experience.

Grissom's phone rang early that morning and was startled to find that it was Catherine.

"What's up Cath? Having problems already?"

"No Gil, Ecklie just found out about the two of you having 6 months off at the same time, he's not happy. He heard about Sara's hasty departure and is ready to fire her ass if she isn't by next shift since she didn't wait for him to ok her leave and he hasn't, as for you, you have to come in again to fill out the application. Sorry to do this to you both."