AN: Hi! This is a one shot of a series I'm thinking of starting. The series will be snippets of important occurrences from the point of view of 'what if they were together, maybe this is how this actually happened'. I've read things saying Sara didn't want to do the interview, and things saying Tegan didn't want to, so I just went with Sara for this. Let me know what you think!


2008/2/29 Glasgow

"Well maybe I just don't fucking want to do the fucking interview!" Sara screamed.

"It's just a fucking interview! Why the fuck are you being such a bitch about this?" Tegan retaliated. She couldn't understand her sister's need to freak out over something they did so frequently.

"Look, last time that guy interviewed us, he was all over us. He wouldn't leave us alone!" Sara gritted her teeth. She did not want to have this conversation right before a concert, much less at all.

"What the hell are you talking about? He didn't hit on either one of us!" Tegan pressed on.

"That's not what I mean. He…wouldn't shut up about…us…" Sara knowingly glared in Tegan's eyes.

"Oh for fuck's sake! THAT'S what this is about? You're going there again?" Tegan was at her wit's end on this topic. This topic happened to be their relationship, however it may be defined. They had long since given up on trying to define their relationship with each other. Nothing had happened in so long at this point, there wasn't much of which to question the definition.

Sara's relationship with Emy was still freshly severed. Emy had found them in a compromising position one too many times for it to be explained away. She and Sara had tried to work things out, but it just wasn't able to be fixed. As much as Emy loved the both of them, she could not bring herself to be in anything but a monogamous relationship. However, that same love had kept her from being disgusted, judgmental, or spiteful toward Sara, or Tegan for that matter. As shocking as it was to find out, she was just as shockingly accepting of the circumstances between her wife and her sister-in-law.

While the friendship between the three remained intact, the loss of the partner Sara once had was affecting her greatly. She always had a temper, but lately she could do anything but keep it in check. Her life felt like it was crumbing to pieces. She pushed Tegan away, blaming herself and her sister for everything falling apart. Shame was partly in play, but there was a greater sense of hopelessness whittling away at her soul. No one would want to be with her if she had a physical relationship with Tegan. She would never find someone that would start a family with her, that would accept her, that would love her.

Sara was trying to reestablish certain boundaries that had been crossed. If they never touched, they would never crave each other's touch. That was a fairly recent one. She had moved thousands of miles from Tegan years ago in an attempt to separate herself from whatever this was. Sara was convinced that nothing in their lives would ever grant them happiness and contentedness if they pushed the boundaries of their relationship, no matter how much either of them desired to do so.

"Yes, I am fucking 'going there' again! It keeps showing up to remind us that it can't be," Sara's volume had lowered, but her tone was more stern. "I don't want to be asked about it. I'm sick of lying. If there's nothing, then there's nothing to lie about. I'm sick of losing everything to you."

"Losing everything to me? Oh, so now I'm responsible for you and Emy breaking up? That's rich. Fuck you," Tegan was in disbelief. She knew of Sara's concerns with their relationship and the potential consequences, she had those concerns herself. She just couldn't believe Sara was actually blaming her now. "So what? Now everything is my fault? Maybe it's your fault! You were the one that lied the first time she caught us. You were the one that wanted to keep it a secret from her. You couldn't handle facing up to your actions. How's that river in Egypt treating you?"

"I wanted to keep it a secret, because I knew what would happen. And it happened! I wanted to stop things before anything started, because I knew that it was absurdly futile to pursue!" Sara countered, the fury building inside her. "It will never work. Never. I wish you would get that through your fucking skull!"

"Well get this through your fucking skull: whether you deny it or acknowledge it, it's still there! You can't change the past. And if you keep lying about it, you're just going to sabotage any future relationships before they even start!" Tegan spoke through a clenched jaw, but her eyes were growing wetter by the second. "You know what? Fuck you. If you're so fucking set on cutting me out of your life, then do it. Cut me the fuck out of everything, since it's all my fault. If you don't want me in your fucking life, then I won't be. I'll quit the band, even! You'll never have to see me again!"

At this, something in Sara clicked. Her arm swung around, and her fist collided with Tegan's face. Tegan's hand immediately covered the area of impact due to surprise and pain. Her tears finally broke free. Sara felt the smack of Tegan's palm against her cheek three times before she had the time to move away. The two stood on opposite sides of the small room glaring at each other. Tegan's eyes were red with tears, but Sara's were ice cold daggers.

"Yeah, build that wall. Cut off that feeling. Go ahead and pretend like you don't fucking hurt," Tegan was unabashedly crying at this point. "But just remember one thing. You didn't hit me when you blamed me for Emy leaving you. You hit me when I said I was leaving you."

Tegan had a point, and she knew she did. She knew how Sara felt, because she felt it too. She knew there was no way to put it into words, but also that there was no point in denying it the way Sara kept trying to do. They needed each other. Sara couldn't lose Tegan, no matter how much she tried to push Tegan away. They were each other's closest confidant and punching bag. Tegan knew what she was doing when she threatened to quit the band and leave Sara. The concept of actually losing Tegan was enough to make Sara show true emotion, instead of the mask she had constructed to pretend life was something it wasn't.