This story is a short two-shot that takes place in season 20, but Jesse and baby Billie don't exist, and Amanda is not dating Dr. Al. I've made a few changes to the storyline with Patton.
Trigger warning: There are vague mentions of rape in this chapter, and there will be more in the next, so please take care while reading.
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"Yesterday, upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there,
He wasn't there again today,
Oh how I wish he'd go away."
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He is haunting her.
Despite not believing in ghosts, it's the first explanation that comes to mind when Amanda sees him sitting there one day after work, lounging on the staircase with his trademark smirk and looking for all the world like he belongs in her apartment building instead of spending eternity burning in the fiery pits of hell.
Her usual routine of taking the stairs rather than using the elevator, a simple way to help keep herself in shape and maintain her athletic figure as she approaches the age of forty, is swiftly interrupted and leaves her stunned and trembling, gawking in disbelief at her former deputy chief who had been killed in a car accident in Atlanta a month prior.
As they stare intently at each other in the stuffy, enclosed space, Amanda can't help thinking how appropriate it is that the man who had once haunted her in life is now doing the same in death. She has somehow known all along that she would never be completely free of him; the news of his sudden passing not filling her with the relief and joy she thought it would, but causing an indescribable darkness that has permeated every aspect of her life ever since.
Maybe it is the abrupt return of the nightmares and flashbacks that she had put behind her so long ago, or the urge to gamble that has reared its ugly head after all these years of sobriety, her favorite pasttime and a compulsion so intense, it's hard to ignore, that makes his death difficult to accept instead of the celebration that it should be. Before she had begun receiving texts from her mother informing her of the grisly collision that had claimed the lives of Charles Patton and his long-suffering wife, their mangled bodies requiring the "Jaws of Life" to pull them from the wreckage but both of them dying a short time later in hospital, Amanda had barely spared the man a second thought.
Once she had been able to get a handle on her demons after Patton's visit to her city a few years previous, and they had ceased to control her entire existence, life had continued on in a normal blur of work and morning jogs and caring for Frannie, with the occasional date or squad hangout thrown in for good measure. She should have known that it couldn't possibly last, though; that Charles Patton would eventually invade her brain yet again, just like he had when she was a young detective back in Atlanta, caving in to his every whim and desire, no matter how humiliating or depraved, and years later when he had shown up in New York with Reese Taymor, a woman eerily similar to herself.
Consumed with terror and confusion, Amanda spends that night huddled in bed in a state of sleepless exhaustion with Frannie curled into her side, counting down the hours until morning and desperate to see the bright rays of sunshine filtering in through the curtains. Morbid curiosity gets the better of her the next day, however; tiptoeing down the stairs with her travel mug of coffee clutched in a shaky hand, ready to attribute the horrific sighting of her former boss to extreme fatigue and too many hours spent at the precinct, her heart sinking when she sees him sprawled there once again.
The older man looks the same as he did when they had worked together in Amanda's home state, dressed impeccably in a suit and tie with his greying hair carefully styled; no trace of blood or torn flesh or broken bones, like Amanda has imagined him appearing at the time of his death. He doesn't speak; just stares and smiles, those dark eyes boring into her soul as if privy to all of her closely-guarded secrets, and that evil smile stretching into a full-fledged grin as a hand drifts down to his bulging crotch, Amanda turning away in disgust and fear.
Her mind is a whirling mess of scattered thoughts and fragmented memories when she reaches the precinct, wondering if she looks as bad as she feels and taking a giant gulp of her coffee with the hope that the caffeine will do its job and wake her up. Amanda's heart is racing and her vision is blurry as she sits down at her desk, mumbling a distracted "good morning" to her colleagues when Fin and Carisi both greet her cheerfully from their own work areas.
"Shit!" she yelps in surprise as her coffee promptly spills across the keyboard of her laptop as soon as her butt hits the chair, springing back up to her feet and realizing that the hot liquid has also sloshed onto her dress pants, both legs now stained with flecks of dark fluid.
"You okay, 'Manda?" Fin asks in concern, Amanda shrugging off Carisi's touch when her fellow detective is immediately by her side with a hand on her shoulder, echoing his co-worker's worry. "Did you burn yourself?"
"Yeah, a little," she admits in frustration, raking her hands through her hair and trying not to wince at the stinging sensation on the skin of her thighs as she scoops up her gym bag from the floor beside her chair. "I have some extra clothes in my bag, so I'm going to go get changed. I'll be right back."
Amanda moves away from her desk at lightning speed before another word can be spoken, no patience for either of the men or herself, and has to keep from shrieking in both shock and irritation when she collides with Olivia on her way past the lieutenant's office.
"Whoa, where's the fire?" the older woman demands, Amanda shrugging away when she feels gentle hands encircling her upper arms to steady her.
"Just get away from me, Liv," she mutters under her breath, a twinge of guilt briefly overtaking the mixture of other volatile emotions when she sees the hurt expression on Olivia's face.
"I'm sorry," Amanda continues in a choked tone, sidestepping the brunette's touch again when Olivia reaches for her, and whirling on her heel to head for the crib. "I'll be back in a minute, okay? I need to get changed."
She hurries toward the stairs and ignores Olivia's voice calling after her, just needing to be alone for a few minutes to gather her thoughts and catch her breath. Amanda stifles a stunned gasp when she reaches the bottom of the staircase and realizes she can go no further because Patton is blocking her way, that same smug smile pulling on his mouth as he lounges there with his legs crossed casually at the ankle, looking relaxed and content without a care in the world.
"Fuck," she whispers in terror, watching as Patton arches a suggestive eyebrow at the curse word and runs his tongue slowly around his lips, a lewd image from a long-ago, dingy motel room instantly popping up in her mind. "Why won't you leave me the hell alone?"
"Amanda!" Olivia's voice is ringing out through the squad room behind her and catching the attention of every police officer who is passing through, Amanda's head whipping away from the monster on the steps and watching as the older woman strides determinedly toward her with a concerned look on her face.
She doesn't want everyone staring at her, aware that she must look a little crazy with coffee stains on her pants, blonde hair windblown, and face drained of all color. Her entire body is shaking so hard that she nearly loses the grip she has on her gym bag, resolving to stop talking to a man who is buried six feet under in a coffin in Atlanta and not actually sitting there in her own precinct.
When Amanda turns back toward the stairs, a wave of relief washes over her when she notices they are now empty and Patton is nowhere to be seen, taking the opportunity to vault up the steps two at a time in an effort to escape from Olivia. She wenches open the door to the crib and slams it shut when she is safely inside, leaning back against it for a moment as her breath emits in harsh pants and glad there is no one else occupying the room with her.
Amanda jumps as a sharp knock sounds right where her head is resting and the sound reverberates through her brain, rolling her eyes as she skitters away from the door and begins unzipping her gym bag in search of a clean pair of slacks. "Will you please just give me a minute, Liv? I'm sorry I snapped at you downstairs, but I spilled some coffee on myself and I need to get changed, okay?"
"I'm not going to invade your privacy, Amanda." Olivia's soft voice drifts into the room from the other side of the door as Amanda kicks off her shoes and yanks her damp dress pants down her legs, sighing as she steps out of them and appraises the faint red streaks marring her skin. "But we need to have a chat as soon as you're done, alright?"
"I don't want to chat..." Amanda begins to grumble in dissent, her voice fading away into a horrified squeak when she spots Patton stretched out across one of the narrow beds nearby.
He is completely nude now, not a stitch of clothing to be seen, and her stomach turns over as she watches the older man stroke himself before letting go, his hand drifting down to give an inviting pat to the mattress he is lying on. An involuntary whimper emanates from her trembling lips, Amanda clapping a hand against her mouth to hold back the vomit that rushes up her throat as she is instantly catapulted back into another time and place.
"Amanda, what's wrong?" Olivia obviously hasn't left to go back downstairs yet, her voice still audible on the opposite side of the door, and Amanda's annoyance quickly melts away to be replaced with a desperate desire for the brunette's presence, in spite of the inappropriate nature of the situation.
"Can you come in here, Liv?" she calls out in a shuddering tone, frozen to the spot even though she is about to be standing in front of her boss wearing nothing but a blouse, and a pair of striped underwear and matching socks, her soiled trousers pooled in a heap at her feet.
The door opens a second later, an expression of surprise and worry crossing Olivia's features as she steps inside and closes it behind her, dark gaze fixing intently on Amanda's face. "You look like you've just seen a ghost," she remarks quietly, Amanda unable to help the bitter laugh that escapes her lips at this accurate assessment. "You also have tears in your eyes. Do they hurt that badly?"
"Huh? What are you talking about?" she murmurs in confusion, her thoughts and memories so muddled inside her brain that she can feel a headache coming on. "Does what hurt?"
"The burns," Olivia replies softly, gesturing down to her bare legs. "They don't look very bad and I'm guessing they won't take too long to heal, but I can get you a cold cloth to put on them, if you want. I'm sure it will make them feel better."
"No, don't leave!" Amanda begs loudly, instantly regretting her uncharacteristic neediness when Olivia's eyebrows shoot up on her forehead and the other woman rushes to her side.
"Tell me what's going on, Amanda," her boss prods firmly, Amanda's legs almost giving out from beneath her when she catches another glimpse of Patton in her peripheral vision and has to refrain from throwing herself into Olivia's arms and pleading for protection from a man who doesn't even exist anymore.
Instead of spilling her guts and letting Olivia know what's been going on lately, she allows the taller woman to guide her over to a nearby bed and help her sit down on a mattress so thin, she can feel the springs coiled loosely beneath the material. Amanda is feeling so out of sorts that speaking is much too difficult for her right now, her mouth working but no sound coming out, and intense shivers racking her small frame.
When Olivia leans away to grasp onto the gym bag that has tumbled to the floor and spilled some of its contents, Amanda panics and does exactly what she had been longing to do a moment earlier; tossing her arms around Olivia's shoulders and tucking her face into her neck. She hears a stunned squawk sound right next to her ear and after a short hesitation, Olivia is hugging her back just as tightly, strong arms winding around Amanda's midsection and pulling her impossibly closer.
They hold onto each other without saying a word, Amanda's eyes clenching shut and her heart rate picking up speed when Patton appears again behind Olivia's bent head, muffling a cry into the fabric of the lieutenant's blazer. She can't seem to get herself under control, her breath puffing out in ragged wheezes and having trouble drawing in enough air to breathe deeply without gasping and choking.
She is dismayed when Olivia rears back in response to the garbled noise, Amanda's eyelids flying open and her arms shooting out to grab onto the curvy figure, keeping Olivia locked into a kneeling position on the floor so she can continue holding on tightly. But the older woman's hands are clutching onto Amanda's arms instead, Olivia's fingertips digging into the sleeves of her blouse with no small amount of urgency, brown eyes wide and alarmed as they gaze at one another.
"Amanda, what the hell is going on here? I need you to start talking to me right now."
"It's okay, he's gone," she finds herself whispering in relief, throwing a swift glance toward the now-empty spot where Patton has just materialized, but trepidation coloring her satisfaction when she wonders how long the reprieve will last.
"Who's gone?" Olivia asks in confusion, a frown creasing her beautiful features as she turns her head to look in the same direction as Amanda. "I didn't see anyone else on the stairs when I was on my way up here and this room is empty, other than the two of us. So who are you talking about? Was someone bothering you earlier?"
"Yeah, in a manner of speaking," Amanda mutters almost inaudibly as a blush of embarrassment creeps up her neck and into her face, forcing herself to let go of Olivia and lean back on the bed to adopt a more relaxed pose, grabbing the blanket and pulling it over her lap as an afterthought.
"What does that mean?" the older woman replies insistently, Amanda stifling a sigh because she knows Olivia is not going to let this go until she gets to the bottom of whatever is happening with her detective.
"I've, um, been having some flashbacks and nightmares again," she admits quietly, deciding that it's best to be partially honest but choosing to keep the worst of it to herself until she can figure out exactly what is happening and make it stop.
"About Charles Patton?" Olivia questions gently, Amanda quirking an eyebrow in surprise and suddenly frightened that her boss knows more about her personal life than she is letting on.
"You haven't been acting like yourself since his death," Olivia continues softly, obviously recognizing the stricken expression on Amanda's face and seeking to reassure her. "Don't worry, it's nothing major, and Fin and Carisi haven't said anything to me about your behavior. It's just little things here and there that I've starting noticing. I was trying to decide on the best time to bring it up with you and ask if you wanted to talk about it, but I know what a private person you are and I didn't want to invade your space while you're going through something painful and challenging. But the time has come to stop keeping these things to yourself."
"It's just...I thought it would be-" Amanda is struggling to speak again, ashamed that Olivia has been observing the changes in her demeanor, even though she is not entirely shocked by this revelation, knowing the lieutenant always keeps a close eye on her squad.
"You thought it would be different?" Olivia supplies tenderly, Amanda giving a slow nod as the other woman reaches over to tuck a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. "You're supposed to be happy and relieved that he's gone, but it just brings everything back up again, doesn't it? Hearing about him, seeing his face online and in the newspaper and the articles dredging up details of his trial, brought back bad memories and reminded you of the way things used to be. I've been there too, honey. Sometimes it seems like the person who tormented you in life is now haunting you in death."
Amanda is startled by this astute observation, Olivia perfectly stating what she has been going through recently and contemplating how difficult it must have been for the older woman following her ordeals with William Lewis, aware that she had still been suffering even after his demise. Olivia has never spoken much about her brutal experiences with her own monster, and although Amanda had been very concerned at the time, she had not wanted to pry into the other woman's private business, conscious of just how alike she and Olivia have always been when it comes to sharing personal information.
It is hovering right on the tip of her tongue now, the shameful confession that Amanda is pretty sure she is losing her mind nearly tumbling forth from her lips, but swallowing back the words just in the nick of time before they can be spoken aloud. She resolves to be stronger and try as hard as she can to push through this latest setback; determined to deal with it, get over it, and move on, just like she has successfully done so many times in the past.
But when Olivia's arms close around her again in another comforting embrace and Amanda spots a familiar shadowy figure out of the corner of her eye, she has no idea how to go about reclaiming her life as her own.
That feeling of dread is simmering deep down inside once again, the unwavering certainty that she is trapped forever in this hellish existence and will never be free of Charles Patton.
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The poem at the beginning of this chapter was written by William Hughes Mearns in 1899, and is called "Antigonish". I have seen a few different versions of this poem, so I'm not sure which one is correct. I apologize if I've gotten the words wrong.
