Author: Leopard Guitar
Title: Interview
With Insanity
Email: Fang2fangee@hotmail.com
Reviews: Yes, or
we'll hunt you down.... (j/k...maybe...)
Summary: An
interveiw between us and random people.
Mainly X-files/HP and our pets...
Whatever, just read the fucking fic.
L=leopard/emmy
G=guitar/cora others are by
name...
Sirius: Hey
everybody and welcome to Sirius' Strip Show!!!
L&G: **together** No!!! No stripping!!! Especially from
you! Yuckness! **pull straight jacket
out of pocket and put it on Sirius, drag him off stage**
Sirius: No!
Please! Not Azkaban!!!!
L: No no no! We are taking you back stage, that's all!
Sirius: Ok, no
Azkaban!!! I'm too young to die!!
Please!!! Can I still strip?
G: **stuffs gag in his mouth** Yes, In the dressing room, I suppose...
Sirius: **through gag** Mrrhfjhfjsdvm mrrrrmmm?
G: No! Keep the door closed!!!! And locked!!!
L: Ok, now that
that's over... Let's begin the show!
Audience: Yay!! **applause**
One Lone Person: But
I want Sirius to strip!!!
L: **whispers to guards**
Find that person and take 'em out!
Ben the Guard: Can I
kill them?
L: Yes, but only if
its a long and painful death...
**Ben leaves and O.L.P. screams**
G: All right, our
first guest for today is Random Person number one! I caught him in the streets hanging out near a pub! Now you know you're too young to drink!!!! What do you have to say for yourself?
**Random Person enters.
It's Harry Potter.**
Harry: Um, I'm a wizard...
G: So you're saying wizards are allowed to get drunk at any
age?
Harry: um...
L: You could get
thrown in jail you know. Or we could
dispose of you our own way...
Harry: Is that a threat?
L: Um, yeah, probably...
Harry: You can't
kill me! I'm Harry Potter!
G: Sure, sure, that's what they all say! And don't worry, we wouldn't kill you.
Harry: Well, that's a relief...
G: No, we'll just
lock you in the dressing room with Sirius...
Harry: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
L: So, on with the interview. What would you like to tell us, Random Person No. 1?
Harry: I'm not a
random person! I'm Harry Potter!
G: Um, all
right. Everyone! The random person has a name!
Audience: Oooooooh, Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Harry: No, you
know! I defeated the Dark Lord!
**silence**
Harry: Come, on,
you've got my books on that shelf over there! **points to all four Harry Potter
books**
L: Random
Person! Stop changing the subject! So we read books, are you illiterate or
something?
G: Yeah, how can you
prove that you're Harry Potter?
Harry: **gets mad**
Of course I'm Harry Potter! Why
do you think I wear these geeky glasses or have this ugly hairdo? I've got the fucking scar, for God's sake!
G: Now, Harry, there
is absolutely no reason to get mad! We
just asked you a simple question. Now
answer it politely!
Harry: Are you
people insane?
Everyone: Yes.
Harry: I'm going to
go pout in my corner now....
L: All right, time for Random Person No. 2 !!!
**applause as Fox Mulder walks on stage**
L: **faints**
G: Emmy!! Emmy? **shakes her, shrugs and walks away**
Mulder: Hi!
Audience: Hello! **more clapping**
G: **pulls out wand and shoots red sparks at him**
Demon! You killed Emmy!
Diiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!
Mulder: No
wait! She just fainted! I'm not random, either! I came to investigate paranormal activity in
this auditorium. And I think I found
the source, that stick you're holding...
G: It's a wand,
dummy! Now die!!!
Mulder: You can't
kill me, I'm wearing my curse-proof vest.
**opens shirt and shows audience**
Audience:
Ooooooooh! Ahhhhhhhhhh!
G: **pulls out gun** I'll shoot you then! Arg!
Mulder: I have a
bullet-proof vest, too. **pulls off
curse-proof vest and reveals a second one**
Audience: Ooooooh!
Ahhhhhhhh!
**Emmy [L] wakes up**
What do you have under that one?
Mulder: Nothing.
**shows bare chest, and Emmy faints again**
A bewildered Scully walks onstage. Scully: Mulder! There you are! I've been looking for you everywhere!
G: All right! That's it!
Mully, Sculder! Leve before I
kill you both! Grrrrrrrrr!!!! **bite
Scully's {or Mully's?} leg**
Scully: Well, let's
arrest her and leave...
Ben the BodyGuard:
Wait! This is against the
rules! No more then one random person
at a time!
Scully: I'm not random! I'm Scully, and he's Mulder!
G: **nods at BTBG**
Take them away! Shut up Mully!
L: [who is now awake again]
It's Scully, Cora! Scully! Noooooo!
Wait, Ben, don't take Mulder away!
Ahhhhhhhh!
G: **rolls eyes**
Ok, let's move to Random Person No. 3 .. Kaiser the Horse Doggie
Kaiser, a huge German Shepherd bounds happily onstage,
tongue lolling to one side of his mouth.
L: So, Kaiser,
anything you'd like to tell us.
Kaiser: **scrathces ear** Scratch, scratch...
G: Really! That's amazing! Did everyone hear that?
**Audience nods and leans closer to hear more**
L: So, what are your
thought on..um.. on...
Kaiser: Arf! Woof!
Woof!
Audience: gasp! How profound!
Sirius: [who has somehow escaped his locked dressing
room] Yay! A playmate! **turns into
big black dog**
Kaiser: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
**Sirius backs away, his tail between his legs**
G: Um, he doesn't like other dogs...
BTBG: Hey, no dogs
allowed either! **grabs both by the scruffs of their necks and hurls them out the
door**
Sirius: [now in human form] But I'm a man! Not a dog!
L: Huh? Men? Dogs?
What's the difference?
Female Audience: You
tell, em sister! Go girl!
Males in Audience:
Wait, what?
L: **mutters** Hmm, just proves my point...
G: Ok, Random Person
No. 4! Or, five if you count
Mully.... But maybe three since she
doesn't count and Kaiser was a dog... **ponders this while L takes mike**
L: Okay, well, come
on out!
**Sully Erna [from Godsmack] walks onstage**
Audience: Yay!!
G: **almost faints, then thinks better of it** H-hi!
**giggles**
Sully: Hello. **Cora [g] falls over**
L: Wow! And our fourth random person is also our
musical guest star for today! Would you
like to sing a song for us, Mr. Erna?
Sully: Please, call
me Sully.
L: Like Scully! Wow!
Scully, Sully, Scully, Sully!
Yay!
G: [getting up]
No! Mully, Sully, Mully,
Sully! **gazes in awe at Sully** Will
you sing for us, please? **flutters eyelashes**
**L rolls her eyes**
Sully: Ok, I'll sing
Voodoo. **strange drums beat** ' I'm
not the one who's so far away, when I feel the snake bite eneter my veins. Never did I wanna--'
L: Yay! Voodoo!
But you have to sing the fish song, silly!
Sully: It's Sully,
not Silly. What fish song?
Everyone: The Goldfish
song!
Sully: What the fuck
kind of show is this?
Everyone: An insane show!
Sully: There aren't
even any goldfish!
G: Sure there are,
we're all eating them **waves wand and goldfish pour down on audience**
Audience: Yay!
**applause as they fight for Goldfish**
Sully: All
right. I'll feel like an idiot,
though. And I better get to eat some!
L: Okay, but first
sing, you can't sing with Goldfish in your mouth!
Sully: How do I know
you'll give me Goldfish.
L: **points G's gun at his head**
G: Nooooooooooo!!!
Sully: Okay! Um, 'I
Love the fishes cos they're so delicious, Goin' gold-fishin! I could eat them any day and my Mom says
that's okay, Goin' Goldfishin'!'
Everyone: Yay! **cheer, applause**
Sully: [bowing] Thank you, everyone!
L: Well, that's
about all for today! Until next time,
everyone!
And so, they all walked out of the studio into a rays of
golden sunshine and a rain of cheesy goldfish.
Random Person No. 1
Random Person No. 2
Scully (Mully)
Random Person/Dog No. 3
Random Person No. 4