Life is a strange thing. It's both simple and complicated. Many times have I looked in the mirror, stared into those empty orbs and wondered.... What exactly am I suppose to do? I know what everyone else wants me to do, but what do I believe I'm supposed to do? Isn't that the most important? Why should I consider anyone else's opinions? Why should I even care about anyone else for that matter? After all, L died because of his own disregard for his own well being. If it had been me I would have ditched those stupid, senseless agents and ran to the Bahamas, sipping pina coladas and basking in the sun on the white shores day after day. Let the world rot. To hell with Kira, he was doing the world a service after all, wasn't he?

L was an idiot. He should have known better, the good guys always loose. So now he's dead. For what? He wasted his entire life trying to make the world a better place but now it's as bad as ever before. What exactly did he sacrifice himself for? Justice? There is no such thing. His own peace of mind? It doesn't matter now that he's dead. Then what for? I don't know and I may never know but there is one thing I do know. I'll never do that. I'll never lay my life on the line for someone else. Not for anyone, not even Near. I live for myself and only myself.

The shinigami said death is equal and once we die, that's it. There is no heaven or hell. Then, in that case why not do whatever the hell we want. Who cares about what other's do. They aren't important. Let us live fully and seek what makes us happy no matter the consequence. Life is cruel, that's a fact and no matter how hard L tried, no matter how persistence Near is, it won't change. Sometimes I wish a death note would come to me so I can write Near's name in its pages and put him out of his misery. But, that will never happen. Oh, well.

We are all just toy soldiers. Little globs of green plastic. We are nothing but playthings to the shinigami, toys in which they can manipulate and poke fun of. I like playing with them. It reminds me of the futility of this stupid existence. But, now it's getting boring. Near wants me to help with his cases but I avoid him when ever possible. I help sometimes, not because I share his pointless sense of justice but because I'm board and I am curious just how much I posses of that capacity for reason that L so firmly grasped. And I wonder can I surpass Near, L? It shouldn't really matter but it does and I really don't know why.

So, now I sit here, playing with toy soldiers. Geez, Near is how old now? Thirty-one, I think. He never really gave me a straight answer. But a grown man still playing with all these toys. How pathetic. I guess I'm pathetic for playing with them too, but at least I have a good excuse. I'm mature for my age, I feel so much older than sixteen but at the same time I feel like a naive child, stubborn and selfish too. Who cares? I don't. Bang! Crash! A bomb has befallen the squadron and everyone dies. Poor soldiers. Told you, the good guys always loose. Better start the memorial services.

I abandon the toys and walk to the couch grabbing a handful of Oreos from the table and plop down on the plush. It feels like I'm floating on water, and then again Near has weird tastes. He likes soft things. He still walks around in pajamas for god sakes. I'm convinced he has never been outside once but then again I can't really judge him, cause neither have I. But, that will change soon. Staying here, locked up like a dog is going to make me crazy.

"L, Have you seen my new airplane kit?"

Damn him. I hate when he calls me that. And, how should I know what he does with his stuff. Maybe if I pretend to be asleep he'll give up and go look for it himself. Fat chance.

"L? What are you doing?" His voice annoys me. I don't know if it's the calm, collected tone or just because he's too lazy to leave the station room and come speak to me instead of talking through the over head.

"Are you asleep?" He asks again. I can sense a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"Yes." I answer plainly, licking the cream off the Oreo.

"Have you seen my new airplane kit? The one Matsuda delivered yesterday." Did I mention how persistent he is?

"How should I know what you do with your own things?" He's an idiot, how did he even come out of the Yellow Box warehouse alive? Oh that's right. Mello saved his sorry ass. Hmm, sometimes I wonder, just how much fun I might have had with Mello.

"Well, I'd like your help on this case. You can look for it on your way here." Near said, sounding much more like a demand.

"I'm sleeping, remember?" I don't like being ordered around, especially by Idiots.

"You're lazy." He said, his voice heavy with agitation.

"Then what would you call me having to fetch you everything?" He couldn't help but to pout.

"Kindness."

Surprisingly, his tone was soft and gentle. That set me back a little but didn't relieve my frustration. "Fine." I said.

I grabbed a few more Oreos from the table and exited the lounge room through the automatic door and proceeded down the hallway. I dodged a Lincoln log and building block here and there and made it a habit to watch the floor when walking anywhere. After having stepped on a top solder once, barefoot, I promised my aching sole I wouldn't do that again. Sometime I truly feel like a parent caring for this stupid child.

I want to leave this place.

Oh, look there it is. His airplane kit had been stashed with all the other stuff that brainless Mastuda bought for Near. I don't get it. How can Near be a genius and be so stupid at he same time as not to realize to look at the other stuff that had been brought in? He may have impeccable reasoning skills, but I think he lacks old fashioned common sense. I snatch the box and look at it as I continue down the hall, keeping one eye on the carpet. It look fun enough, I won't admit that out loud though. I'd rather have a remote control miniature air plane though, like one I saw on TV.

I return my attention to the walkway and come to the door of central station. I hesitate before going in. Near is kneeling down on the floor, stacking legos. He looks up at me like a begging dog and then his eyes trail to the box in my hand.

"Thank you." he says sincerely.

I want to comment on how he is stupid not to realize it was with the other toys but bite back my tongue. I toss it on the chair.

"Tell me. What do you think of that?" He asks loosely, never bothering to indicate exactly what he's referring to. But then again he doesn't have to.

The computer monitors are on, scattered with the photos of his latest case. I cringe at the sight of mangled flesh and blood stained carpet. A middle aged man, Carl Lewis, Pawn shop owner had been found murdered in his own home. His throat had been cut and a golden crucifix, placed around his neck. He was the tenth victim killed in the same matter scattered over Illinois, Wisconsin and Indiana in the last three months. Stuff like this doesn't give me nightmares, at least not since I was eight but it was enough to disgust me. Human nature is dark and twisted but I had learned to accept it a long time ago.

"I don't know." I lied.

"Hmm..." He said twirling his finger around his white locks. I still wonder to this day if he bleaches his hair. "You might want to review the details again."

"I don't really care to help you with any cases right now." I said folding my arms across my chest. I wanted to go back to my room and continue being miserable as long as I stay here.

"Well, you should care. It's your case now." He said casually.

"What! Are you serious?" No way am I bothering with this case. But, why was he turning it over to me. This was something Near would take top priority in, something L would... Oh, I get it now.

"Serious as a heart attack." He said with a straight face.

"Your sense of humor fails." I remained defiant as ever. I'm not taking this, no way.

"Not as badly as your deduction abilities. You know the details of the case. I would expect you could contribute at least a mundane idea." I couldn't believe the words spewing from his mouth. They were full of spite and he was talking to me as if I am an idiot. That bastard! I couldn't help but to stand there dumbfounded.

I said the only thing I could. "And what makes you think I even care?"

Near stopped what he was doing and sat there, motionless as if my words had frozen him. He peered out from the corner of his eyes, his dark orbs full of shame and a glint of shock. He couldn't believe what had just come out of my mouth. I held my breath. Had I really become that heartless?

"You should care. You're my heir. Your L's heir. Don't sully his name." He continued playing his hair, watching my reaction.

"I don't want that responsibility." And that was the truth.

"L didn't want to die, either." Near spoke stoically, as if anything I would say wouldn't faze him.

I furrowed my eyes brow and bit back my words. I saw were this was going. He was just going to compare me again to L. I don't want to hear it. Not anymore. "Fine." I said, pouting. I left the room calmly entered the hall and hurried back towards my room. I don't want to be compared to him any more. I'm not like him and I'll never been. I don't want to be like him. I won't waste my life for other people who don't give a damn about me. L was a fool. He deserved what he got.

I wasn't going down that path, not ever.