"The Book of Esther" was a great episode and I loved it, but my heart needed more - more talking, more comforting, more Rolivia. This is my version of what (could have) happened in Olivia's office and in the two weeks after Esther's death. There will be four chapters (all of which are already written). Please note that English is not my first language and forgive me for using my two favorite words more than 24 times in total. I hope you enjoy reading this story!
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"You fired the bullet that killed Esther Labott."
Amanda threw her lieutenant an incredulous look and for the fraction of a second, she wanted to laugh.
"That's impossible. I didn't…I couldn't have…" The words got stuck in the young detective's throat and she took a small step back from her boss, cocking her head in disbelief, an unspoken question lingering in the air between them.
She waited for Olivia to say something, anything really; to say that the lab must've made a mistake. It couldn't be. It wasn't possible. But the words Amanda so desperately needed to hear wouldn't come.
Olivia took a deep breath and held her gaze. There was no judgement in her eyes, only compassion and plain, unmasked sorrow for the younger woman.
The rage that had kept Amanda upright ever since she'd laid eyes on Esther's pale, lifeless body in the Labott house was gone in an instant, her breathing slowing down until the muscle in her chest resorted to thumping sluggishly against her ribcage in an effort to keep the blonde detective alive.
The world around her seemed to have come to a sudden stop. The only sound Amanda could hear was her own dull heartbeat drumming in her ears and she felt strangely disconnected from her body, hands and legs numb and prickly, as if the bloodflow had been cut off for too long. Amanda wasn't even sure if she was still standing or if her legs had given out beneath her. The edges of her vision started to blur and before she knew it, she was looking down a narrow black tunnel. She was underwater, sinking, drifting further towards the endless, deep black hole that promised a blissful silence and a place where pain didn't exist.
She was pulled back to the surface when she felt a tender hand on her upper arm.
"Amanda, breathe."
She sucked in a deep breath and could feel her body's shuddering relief at the sudden intake of oxygen. Looking up, her vision immediately zeroed in on the traitorous tears glistening in Olivia's dark brown eyes and out of nowhere, Amanda's heart clenched painfully as the truth hit her with the force of a freight train.
Oh god. Oh GOD.
"I- I did this?" she asked shakily. Olivia bit her lip, then lowered her gaze and gave her a tiny nod.
"I…killed her. I KILLED Esther." Amanda's blue eyes widened in shock, all color draining from her face, leaving it a ghostly white. "Ohhh- oh god. I can…I can't…" The smaller woman clasped a hand over her mouth, a rush of nausea climbing up her throat. She felt dizzy and disoriented, her eyes darting around the room, trying to find something to focus on, something to help ground her in reality. Tears welled up in her eyes and she didn't even try to hold them back. Olivia's grasp on her arm grew tighter and she gently pushed Amanda down into one of her office chairs as hot tears started to spill down the blonde's cheeks, her whole frame shaking with suppressed sobs as she desperately tried to remain quiet during her breakdown.
Olivia could feel her throat tighten at the sight of the smaller woman's despair. She swallowed thickly and licked her lips, pushing down her own emotions to deal with them later. She needed to pull herself together, for Amanda's sake. As a lieutenant, she knew that Amanda needed her guidance and support right now. As a friend, however, all she wanted to do was provide comfort for the sobbing mess slumped in her chair.
Olivia took a few seconds to steel herself for the task ahead, taking a deep breath in through her nose. She tucked her hair back behind her ears and crouched down in front of the crying blonde, both hands resting on her shoulders, and then squeezing them lightly to get her attention.
"Amanda, look at me," she said softly, tilting her head a little to make eye contact with the smaller woman.
No reaction.
"Amanda."
The younger woman shook her head, tears flying left and right, pressing her eyes closed to shut her boss and the world out.
"Please."
Olivia's voice was barely a whisper and it was the slight hitch in it that finally made Amanda look up. The tough detective's eyes were swimming with tears and the pain they held was so raw, so all-encompassing and completely overwhelming, that Olivia had to force herself not to look away. The older woman swallowed the lump in her throat and a low sigh escaped her lips. She briefly rubbed her hands up and down the blonde's arms before sliding them down and reaching for Amanda's cold, clammy hands.
"Listen to me, Amanda. It was an accident. The situation was…chaotic at best, and you only had a split second to decide what to do." The young detective opened her mouth in protest but was silenced by a firm squeeze of her hands. "No, you need to hear this," Olivia interrupted, determination now dominant in her voice, "you need to understand that you couldn't have predicted what was going to happen. You're only human, Amanda. Mistakes can happen. Unfortunately, this one was…" she paused, pressing her lips into a thin line, struggling to find the right words, "severe."
A joyless laugh erupted from Amanda's mouth and she looked at Olivia with a fiery glare, her eyebrows shooting up. "A mistake?! You do know what a mistake is, right? Mixin' up someone's coffee order or sleepin' with your bastard ex…but THIS?" She let go of Olivia's hands to drag them over her face, nails digging into soft skin, which made the brunette wince. "This…" she huffed and shook her head, the words stuck in her throat, "this is…" Her face contorted in anguish as an onslaught of memories invaded her mind unbidden, unwelcomed and unwanted.
Esther, grabbing at the small bag of candy in Amanda's hands, her movements wild like those of a starved animal, and her eyes unfocused and glazing over with hunger.
Esther, cowering cross-legged on the bed at Mercy hospital, shoveling yogurt into her mouth. She keeps asking for more food, but we've got to take it slow.
Esther, pressing her tiny, childlike body close to Amanda's in the squad room, clinging to her as if she was her only lifeline.
And then finally, Esther at the bowling alley, gaze wandering across the room before finding Amanda's eyes. Ironically, it was this quiet moment that haunted the blonde detective the most – not the one when she had learned about the lifelong abuse Esther had suffered or when she'd found her dead on the floor with blood seeping from her forehead.
At first, the malnourished girl had stared at her as if she wasn't sure what she saw was real. Then, a sense of calm seemed to wash over her haunted face. A brief moment of hesitation and the corners of her mouth lifted into a cautious smile.
Back then Amanda had been glad to see a sliver of hope lighting up Esther's eyes – proof that she hadn't lost the girl yet, that there was still some fight in her despite being brainwashed and abused her whole life.
Back then Amanda's heart had fluttered with the knowledge that she'd been able to bring a little bit of comfort to this girl who had no one else in her corner. Now that image of a smiling Esther felt like a razor blade wandering through her gut, ready to cut her open at any given moment and make her bleed out slowly.
Of course now none of it mattered anymore. She had failed the young girl, just like she had failed so many people in her life – her sister, Lindsay Bennett, Reese and now Esther. Amanda had promised her that she was going to protect her from her father and she had been determined to help the traumatized girl start a new life, free from the abuse and the restrictions of her family. She couldn't know that the universe was working against her, that fate had decided to play a cruel joke on her.
Swamped with her memories and immense guilt, Amanda didn't realize that she had unconsciously wrapped her arms tightly around her ribcage, desperate to hold herself together as the painful memories clawed their way through her brain. It was only when she felt Olivia's gentle hands carefully prying her fingers off her own back that she found her way back to the present and to the woman in front of her, intense worry now radiating off the brunette and penetrating Amanda's skin like sunbeams on a warm summer day.
"Relax your hands, Manda, please. You're gonna be okay, I promise. You will get through this. The whole squad has your back. I have your back" she soothed and placed Amanda's now free hands palm-down on her thighs. When she covered them with her own larger ones, Olivia could feel the violent tremors buzzing through the blonde's body. A wave of sadness ripped through the older woman and she entwined their fingers in an attempt to ground her distraught detective.
Amanda's lips quivered and she mumbled something that Olivia couldn't make out.
"Sorry, what did you just say?"
"That's what I told her. Es- Esther." Her voice was no more than a choked whisper and she hated herself for it. "I told her she was going to be okay."
"Oh Amanda…"
Olivia's heart clenched at the agony that the younger woman was experiencing and she wanted nothing more than to shield her from the pain and self-hatred she knew were burning their way through Amanda's insides like acid.
Hesitantly, Olivia raised a hand to brush away a strand of light blonde hair that hung in front of Amanda's big, watery eyes, not knowing if the touch would be welcomed by her usually so closed-off detective. When the blonde didn't pull away, Olivia tenderly cupped her left cheek and stroked her thumb over a high cheekbone in a repetitive motion, hoping that it would calm Amanda down and get her young detective to open up to her.
This was the closest they'd ever been, physically and emotionally. The two women have had a tough time building up trust over the years, Olivia again and again irritated by Amanda's impulsive and at times downright reckless behavior, and Amanda…well, if she was honest with herself, the seasoned lieutenant wasn't sure why the younger woman didn't seem to trust her. Then again, Amanda was not a trusting person in general. The only person she sometimes opened up to was her partner, who, Olivia was sure, had a watchful eye on her office door right this moment.
The brunette was pulled from her thoughts when the smaller woman lifted her gaze and looked at her through her tears.
"How am I supposed to live with this, Liv? How can I go on with my life like nothing happened, knowing that I am the reason that Esther Labott will never know what freedom feels like? Safety? Love? I didn't just take her life. I took away her dreams…her future." A heartfelt sob left Amanda's throat and she closed her eyes once more. She couldn't bear to see the compassion in the brunette's eyes, knowing that she didn't deserve it.
Olivia let out a sigh. It did not surprise her at all that Amanda was taking this so hard. She had seen the bond between Amanda and their young victim and she had been proud of her detective for showing so much empathy and gaining the girl's trust during the several interviews that she'd guided Esther through.
She also aware of the fact that Amanda was able to offer kindness and compassion to their victims, but did not feel like she deserved the same treatment. Reese Taymor was the living, breathing proof of that. Olivia knew that Amanda still carried a huge amount of guilt inside of her for not coming forward about her own assault. And now the death of Esther Labott was just another thing added to the growing pile of things Amanda would beat herself up about.
The brunette didn't let it show very often, but she was worried about the only other woman on the squad and she had been for a while now. The young detective never dealt with her problems head-on and that was not healthy, that much Olivia knew. She desperately needed Amanda to understand that this tragedy was not her fault and that she couldn't let it worm its way into her heart to fester. The older woman didn't know how much more the blonde could shoulder before she'd collapse under the collective weight of her past traumatic experiences. But she knew that she would no longer stand by and watch without doing everything in her power to help her.
"Listen to me." Olivia brushed her thumb lightly underneath Amanda's closed eye before sliding her hand down to take a hold of her quivering chin. The blonde's eyes opened slowly, but she didn't dare to make eye contact with her lieutenant.
"It is not your fault that her life was a living hell. That is on her father. That is on her mother. It is not on you." Amanda kept her gaze averted, ever so slightly shaking her head. Olivia tilted Amanda's chin upwards so that the young detective had no choice but to meet her eyes before she continued. "Do you hear me? You cannot blame yourself for everything bad that's happened to her. It won't do you any good and it won't bring her back."
"Yeah, thanks, I'm aware of that since I'm the one who put a bullet through her skull," Amanda spat out bitterly and the fury she had felt in the interrogation room earlier made a brief reappearance, angry sparks now visible underneath the sheen of tears in her eyes.
"Okay, Amanda, that's enough." Olivia's voice was still calm but firm and it held an urgency that wasn't there before. She knew if she lost Amanda now, she would probably not get a second chance to reach her, to get her to open up about this, ever again. Amanda was a very private person, had been from the moment Olivia met the young transfer from Atlanta. Seeing her so devastated and vulnerable tore at Olivia's heartstrings, but it also gave her a chance to help her deal with this tough situation before the stubborn detective could bury her feelings and run from them the same way she always did.
"You have got to stop doing this to yourself. Do you think Esther would have wanted that? Do you think she would want you to-"
"I DON'T KNOW, OKAY?!" Amanda burst out, almost knocking Olivia off her feet when she jumped up from the chair, furiously wiping at her tears. "I don't know what she would've wanted, and neither do you, Liv! And thanks to me, now we'll never know. I'm so sick of you trying to justify what I did! I'm sick of men who believe they have the right to control women and their bodies! I'm sick of all the misogynists and child abusers and rapists! And I'm sick of myself and my obvious inability to be of use to anyone or anything in this world. I'm sick of all of it. I'm DONE."
Amanda started pacing restlessly, combing her hands through the strands of blonde hair that had come undone from her ponytail. The adrenaline was pumping through her veins, intense emotions brewing right underneath her skin, and she sucked in a couple of shuddering breaths through clenched teeth.
Olivia remained where she was in stunned silence, processing what Amanda had just said. She'd never seen her act this way before. The brunette realized with a start that she'd been right about Amanda possibly reaching her breaking point – she just hadn't expected it happening here, tonight. Olivia rose from her crouched position, her joints aching from being in such an uncomfortable position for so long. She took a few tentative steps in Amanda's direction, hands raised in a pacifying manner. Just when she was about to open her mouth to calm her detective down, there was a light knock on the door.
"Not now, Fin." the seasoned lieutenant called out in a tight voice, her eyes never leaving Amanda, who had come to a halt behind Olivia's desk, her back to the door, arms slung around her waist in a protective manner.
"There's something you need to see," his muffled voice came back through the door.
With an impatient sigh, Olivia stalked across the room and cracked the door open, ready to jump at Fin's throat for interrupting her conversation with Amanda. The angry frown on her face softened somewhat when she saw the worried look on her oldest friend's face as he tried to catch a glimpse of his partner over Olivia's shoulder.
"She okay?"
"Not really, no.", Olivia answered honestly, her tone low and strained. "Now, what's so important that it couldn't wait?"
She braced herself for bad news when she saw Fin's shoulders slump a little, but he just wordlessly handed her a small, clear evidence bag, and with one last look towards Amanda's still turned back, he walked over to his desk and sat down with a tired sigh.
Olivia closed the door and looked down at the bag in her hand. She forgot to breathe for a few seconds and froze on the spot. Out of the corner of her eyes, she could see that Amanda had turned around and was now studying her face.
"What's that?" The young woman's voice was small and scratchy. The rage had deflated just as quickly as it had appeared and now she was left feeling defeated, worn out and incredibly tired.
When her boss didn't answer immediately, the blonde furrowed her eyebrows and felt her heartrate pick up again.
"Liv…?"
Olivia lifted her gaze agonizingly slow and when she finally did lock eyes with Amanda, her brown orbs were full of tears.
