He was staring at his computer screen, trying to decide whether the 'choose the most correct answer' question he was looking at crossed the line from challenging to unfair for his students when there came a knock on his door.

Before he had a chance to get up, his office door barged open and in stepped one of the last people he had expected to see that day.

"Mr. Kelly," he greeted.

Charlie Kelly made a face. "Please, call me Charlie. No one calls me Mr. Kelly. It makes me think of my Uncle Jack and, well, that is not a place I want to go today!"

"Charlie, then," he amended. "What brings you here?"

"Listen, Science Bitch, I have to…no, wait, I probably shouldn't call you Science Bitch, should I? I have gotten some negative feedback about that from some people and I kind of need your help so I should listen. But, like, I feel like I never got your name last time? I mean, maybe you told me, I don't know. It was kind of a weird time. But, see, I saw something on your door. I was standing out there for like twenty minutes trying to work out what it was. But, like, Burn isn't actually a name so I give up. I'm usually better at that but no matter how hard I concentrated that is what my brain is telling me it says."

"Ah, well, I assure you my name is Burn. More specifically, Dr. Burn Evans."

Charlie grinned. "No shit? That's kind of awesome, dude. A really hippie name. Did England even have hippies?"

"I believe everywhere had some form of hippies," Burn said. "Though I will confess I do not know why my parents named me the way they did. I do not believe they were hippies."

"No?" Charlie asked. "You didn't like ask them at some point?"

"No, I rather believe I don't want to know the thought process."

Charlie nodded like that made sense. "Yeah, what if it's like drugs or something? Then you'll have to live with having a weird drug name instead of like a cool hippie name. Smart, dude, very smart."

"I'm, uh, glad you approve," Burn said a little awkwardly. "Now-"

"Of course I don't think I can just call you Burn. I feel like I would be talking about drugs and you would know I'd be talking about drugs and that's just distracting, you know?" Charlie said.

"It really doesn't have to be."

"No, no, it's far too late for 'Burn'," Charlie insisted. "I can't call you Dr. Evans because, well, you're not my doctor so that would just be super confusing. And if I try to call you Scientist I know that's just going to turn into Science Bitch at some point which is what we're really trying to avoid here."

"I really think you're overthinking this," Burn said. "And I don't understand why you're here and need to be calling me anything at all." He stopped. "Not that I'm trying to be rude or kick you out or anything, I'm just getting very confused."

"I'll get to that in a second. I have to solve the name thing first. I think it's down to two things, really. I could call you the Doctor which I know has some sort of like Doctor Who vibe and I don't get that show at all but it's British and you're British so I figure you're probably into it. Then there's Doc which both reminds me of Bugs Bunny because, you know, 'what's up, Doc' and also Back to the Future. So, what do you think? It's your name so you really should get a say in it."

"I…suppose 'Doc' would roll off the tongue easier. Make me feel like more of a person and less of an article," Burn said slowly.

"An article of what? You know what, never mind. Doc it is!"

Charlie looked expectantly at him.

"Thank you?" Burn tried.

Charlie grinned. "Hey, no problem, man. Now, you're probably wondering why I'm here."

Burn nodded. "Yes, I've asked you that several times now. These aren't my office hours and even if they were you're not a student of mine."

"I've got to admit, man, I don't really get the whole office hours thing. If you're in your office and not, like, in a meeting with someone you've got the time to meet. Even if you're working on other stuff, if I need to have a half-hour meeting with you it takes up the same amount of time if I do it now or if I do it when you say I should come."

"Well, yes, I suppose that is true," Burn conceded. "But this way helps to give structure to my week and lets the students know when I will be in here. During my office hours I must be here. Right now it is not so if I wanted to pop off and buy myself a cup of tea then I can do that and no one has to be waiting for me."

Charlie laughed. " 'Pop off'? Dude, that is so British."

Was it? Burn merely shrugged. "Well, I am British so I suppose that makes sense."

"Now, as for why I'm here. I didn't exactly have a great time the last time we met," Charlie said.

Burn looked down guiltily. "I suppose I can see that."

"Now, don't get me wrong, the money was great," Charlie said. "I'd put up with a lot for a thousand dollars so I'm really not mad here, just letting you know it wasn't a good time for me. It really sucked thinking I was smarter for like a minute and I liked it and then I just…wasn't. The gang didn't even make too many jokes but, like, they're not just going to pretend it never happened. And the Waitress! She was so mad at me. Now, it's not like she's ever entirely not mad at me. Even that time she let me back in her life after getting hit by that car she still didn't want me to get too near her but this time she kind of had a point? I walked out on her and that's not how that's supposed to work."

"Did you come here just to tell me off?" Burn asked quietly. "While I can certainly see the temptation, it has been some time since that…incident."

Charlie shook his head. "Nah, dude, nothing like that I…what do you mean 'temptation'? Why would I be here to yell at you?"

"I never intended to be unethical, you see," Burn explained. "I don't suppose many people do but then you have to wonder how things such as Tuskegee or the Stanford Prison Experiment turned out the way they did. Certainly I would not put this on the same level as either of them. But while deception is permissible if necessary for the sake of the experiment – and the use of placebos must always rely on some measure of deception – it is not supposed to involve anyone getting hurt. And while I did not set out to hurt you, I cannot deny that the end result was humiliation. I had intended to prove that the placebo effect could improve intelligence but you simply cannot predict the results of an experiment before you do it. Perhaps in some ways it did increase your intelligence, I really do not know because we were unable to run the after test measures, but you certainly believed the difference to be greater than it was and this led to negative consequences in your personal life and ridicule at the hands of my colleague. I didn't mean for it to turn out that way, I was just so excited by the data and of course you were my most fascinating research subject to date but at the end of the day it doesn't really matter what I meant, only what happened and what happened was that there were several glaring flaws in my methodology that I did not correct for and you suffered as a result of that. My God, I did not even debrief you before the presentation in private and answer all of your questions because I was too caught up in the spectacle the audience viewing you for themselves would make! I know better than that. I am better than that. And I am so very sorry. I should have told you then but by the time I realized how badly I had done by you I couldn't bring myself to face you."

Charlie blinked at him. "I'm gonna level with you, I caught about half of that. But, like, I got the important part, I think. You're sorry the experiment sucked so much and you lied to me about being smarter. Or you failed to make me smarter? You failed to make me smarter then lied to me about it."

"…Essentially, yes."

"Well I didn't really expect any of that but that's great to hear because I came here looking for a favor," Charlie said.

"A favor?" Burn repeated uncertainly.

Charlie took a deep breath, looking nervous for the first time since coming in here. "Yeah…you remember that thing that I thought I invented? Or that I could invent?"

Burn nodded slowly. "The device that allowed a spider to communicate with a cat? Yes, of course. It was one of the most creative things I've ever seen."

A brief grin appeared on Charlie's face. "What, really?"

"Yes, really," Burn assured him. "I wouldn't have any idea how to begin to make that a reality but it was such a lovely idea."

"Well that's the point," Charlie said. "I still want to do it."

Burn blinked at him.

"I tried explaining it to Dennis when he asked but I think he was mostly just trying to feel superior or whatever. He does that sometimes."

"Why did you want to create something like that?" Burn asked softly. "I must admit, I'm curious as well. I could see the potential in wanting to speak with cats or even spiders on their own but such a device wouldn't allow humans to speak to either. Unless I'm missing something?"

Charlie shook his head. "No, humans have nothing to do with it. I just…I just think that spiders and cats must have some interesting things to say. And they've got to spend a lot of time together, right? Most cats live in houses and a bunch of spiders do, too. Lots of times cats are the only pet people have and when their person is gone they're just by themselves all day. And spiders are by themselves, too! They don't have like packs or colonies or anything. And spiders can live for like a year, right? That's plenty of time for cats and spiders to be friends. And, like, I know that sometimes cats eat spiders but I figure they wouldn't if they could talk to each other. I know I wouldn't eat something that could talk to me. Except for that one time Frank tricked Dee and I into thinking we'd eaten human flesh. But don't worry!" he exclaimed, noting the look of alarm on Burn's face. "It was actually deer."

"I…am glad to hear that but why would he trick you into thinking that in the first place?"

Charlie shrugged. "We kept stealing his food and he's kind of a dick sometimes. But the point is, even that one time the person we thought we ate hadn't talked to us first! Because that'd be gross. And I like cats and I like spiders and I feel bad about all those spiders I had to eat back when I was in school. So I just want to do something nice for them both."

Burn realized abruptly that, despite the rather horrific pseudo-cannibal story Charlie had just hinted at, he was smiling. Really smiling. He had never thought to ask Charlie why he had wanted to create that particular invention and neither had Tang-See. It was misguided, certainly, because cats and spiders simply did not share similar intelligences or communicate using the same kind of language as people did but there was something undeniably charming about the whole idea. And watching Charlie light up as he excitedly explained his motivation gave him a warm feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"That's such a lovely thought, Charlie," Burn told him.

Charlie bit his lip and looked down. "Is it? It is what it is, dude. I just…will you help me?"

"I wouldn't know the first thing about how to create such a thing."

"That's okay," Charlie said. "I think I'm a long way from being smart enough to figure all that out anyway."

"Then what are you looking for?" Burn asked.

"I feel like I need to, like, learn more about spiders and about cats. Like not just the obvious things you know from spending loads of time with them but like real science stuff. And probably some other sciency papers or whatever about experiments and inventions and all that stuff. See what's out there that can help with this. People can talk to gorillas, right? With sign language? Maybe that'll have something to do with it."

Burn nodded slowly. "You want me to help you find research?"

He had absolutely no idea what research could possibly exist that could help with this but damn it if he wasn't willing to try, if only to keep that dream alive just a little bit longer.

Charlie looked embarrassed. "Yeah, I might need something else first."

"Of course. What do you need?"

Charlie opened his mouth and started to say something then quickly snapped it shut again.

"You don't have to tell me," Burn said immediately. "I don't know if I can help if I don't know what you need help with but I will have to let you be the judge of that."

"I just…" Charlie chewed on his lip. "You know this. You have to know this. We did all those weird tests before you gave me the pill."

"I know a lot of things," Burn said neutrally, trying to guess where Charlie was heading but finding himself utterly unable to do so.

"Sometimes I have a problem…" Charlie steeled himself. "Reading things the same way others do. And when I write things, people don't always get it. Usually they don't get it. And I really think that if I want to do this I'm going to need to get better at this kind of thing."

Burn nodded slowly. "That would make sense. So you wish for me to assist you in improving your reading and writing abilities?"

Charlie nodded, looking strangely relieved. "Yes, that's exactly it! Maybe mostly my reading. I mean, I know the alphabet and all so if I figure out this whole reading thing I'm sure I'll be fine."

Burn nodded again.

Charlie grinned then suddenly his smile faded and he narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "So just like that? I show up and ask for help and you owe me nothing and you're going to do it? I don't even have to beg or like clean your toilet or anything?"

"What? Why would I need you to clean my toilet?" Burn asked, baffled.

"Or mop the floors or do the dishes or kill the rats or anything like that," Charlie said impatiently. "The details really aren't important."

"Please don't hurt any of the laboratory rats! I believe I told you that before."

"Yeah, I remember," Charlie said. "You're avoiding the question."

"I'm really not, I just don't understand," Burn protested. "Of course I don't need you to perform any sort of tasks for me."

"There's no new experiment?" Charlie pressed.

"I assure you, if there were you would know about it and be compensated accordingly. Experimental ethics dictate informed consent is a fundamental cornerstone of our work," Burn said.

Charlie's expression didn't change.

Burn sighed. "There's no new experiment."

"Then what are you trying to get out of this?" Charlie demanded.

"Nothing. I just want to help," Burn said simply.

Charlie looked unimpressed.

"Look, you're the one who came to me asking for help. I'm offering to give it. You can trust that or not but I don't really have any way to prove myself here. Maybe I do still feel bad about what happened earlier and maybe that's influencing my decision but I am a teacher, Charlie. I'd like to think if anyone had come to me asking for help with something like this I would do what I could for them."

Charlie was quiet for several moments, clearly thinking it over. "Guilt can fade. Especially when it's not even something to really feel that bad about."

"I hope it does," Burn said. "But, again, that's not why. You're a fully grown adult and you're asking me to help you read. What kind of monster would I be if I said no?"

"So you're a do-gooder, huh?" Charlie said rhetorically. "Can't say I really expected that. Well…okay then. I'll give it a shot."

He sat down in an empty chair.

"What, you mean now?" Burn asked, startled. "You wish to start now?"

Charlie shrugged. "Yeah, why not? I'm already here."

"Well, because…I wouldn't have any idea where to start right now!" Burn exclaimed. "I need to go over the results of your previous testing and probably have more administered to see if there's some sort of learning disability causing you these issues. I remember that you graduated high school despite your literacy issues which is both a great achievement for you and a scathing indictment of the US public education system."

"Yeah, my school was kind of the worst," Charlie said indifferently. "I went back there a while ago for a reunion and you'd be surprised how little anything changed. Definitely not going to the next one."

"I really wouldn't blame you," Burn said. "I'll also need to look into how to help with reading. I teach all undergraduate and graduate students who have that part figured out. I've done tutoring and there were some learning disabilities with those students but that was years ago."

"Okay, yeah, that makes sense," Charlie said. He looked strangely bolstered that Burn didn't just automatically know exactly what to do to help him whereas it really should be the opposite. But it wasn't as though he were looking to be shouted at. "So when should I come by?"

"How about Monday?" Burn offered. "I have a free block of time around two."

Charlie grinned and held out a hand to shake. "Monday at two. Got it."

Burn took his hand and couldn't help but smile back. "I'll see you then."

"Later, dude," Charlie said, hopping up and heading for the door, tossing a careless wave behind him.

Burn watched him go, his smile lingering.

He opened up a new window on his computer and typed 'how to teach someone to read.'