Now Everyone knows that there are certain incontrovertable truths in our world - e=mc^2, jerkass politicians, TV and a deep human reluctance to interact any more than necessary with other humans. Anyone who reads this fic will know that there are also certain incontrovertable truths in the Naruto world - Naruto is a goofy loudmouth who somehow always pulls through, Sasuke will have fangirls, and Rock Lee will have eyebrows to rival Australia's last Prime Minister - look up 'John Howard's eyebrows' on google pics and you will see some terrifying images. However, one of the most fundamental truths in the Narutoverse is the pevery of adult male Jonin, lead by the heroic efforts of Author, Sannin and Mega-Perve; Jiraiya.

However, one of the facts of Fanfic, is that these thruths will be questioned in a series of hopefully humorous, mostly ridiculous stories, and so, dear reader, I invite you on a journey into the deepest depths of insanity, and a world in which Jiraiya's pervery will have a very dubious future, dependiing on how it all pans out.

This has been the author, now, please read the story. ~Ratpigeon

Chapter One: A New Technique.

Tsunade looked up as Jiraiya walked into her office, understandably nervous. After all, he'd just been caught peeping on the hot springs, and was dreading her wrath. He was also somewhat pink, due to burns and the fact that he was probably imagining her topless, since she'd been the one who caught him while she was taking a bath, and had proceeded to dump him head first in the hottest pool. His Transparency jutsu didn't work very well when he was silhouetted in steam.

"Yes, Tsunade?"

Tsunade smiled, revelling in her power as Hokage. Mwahaha! Jiraiya would PAY!! And, of course, she'd be able to test out an experimental technique she was developing.

"I was just wondering how those scalds were. Your one of Konoha's best ninja, excluding me, and I need you in top shape. Come over here and I'll fix you up." Tsunade said, smiling demurely and folding her hands in her lap (not that she needed such a cheap ploy to push her boobs up, but a good ninja always made sure). Jiraiya's eyes were wide, white and lightly unfocused as he sat down on her desk, and Tsunade began to heal the scalds on his face and neck. Fter a few seconds, she made some new handsigns and pressed her fingertips toi Jiriaya's forehead, sending the chakra into his secondary brain and down his spine to his main brain.

"Emasculation jutsu." After a few seconds, Jiriaya's eyes opened again and he smiled at Tsunade.

"I'm sorry about before, Tsunade, it was an inappropriate use of my abilities, especially in these usntable times. I'll buy you dinner...or a round of sake, to make up for it, okay?" Jiraiya asked, contrite as he stared steadily into Tsunade's eyes. Her eyes. Tsunade smiled and nodded, this was working even better than she had planned. Now, for one last test. Tsunade pulled out a kunai, and there was the sound of her grey top ripping.

"Oh, how did your top break, Tsunade? Do you want to borrow mine? Or I could get you a new one, so that you won't have to walk around shirtless. It's hardly a fitting image for the Hokage. Wat colour do you want?" Jiraiya didn't even bat an eyelash. Tsunade bit her lip, pulling her green coat closed around her chest. This was very odd, even if it was the plan...

"Don't worry Jiraiya, I have a change of clothes in my closet...uh, and you can go now."

"Of course hokage. Do you want to meet me at the bar tonight, so that I can buy you that sake?"

"Uh...okay..."

Tsunade watched Jiraiya leave, feeling strangely ill at ease after staring at his politely smiling face. This was really creepy...

*

"Hey, Pervy-sage, If I do my sexy jutsu fopr you wil you teach me another jutsu? Like how to walk on air?" Jiraiya looked around and saw Naruto running towards him. The kid really was quite adorable, like a fluffy blond puppy...

"You don't need to do that. I'm your teacher, come on, I'll teach you my Wild Lion's mane Jutsu."

Naruto stared blankly at his teacher for a moment before his eyes narrowed.

"Who are you and what have you done with my teacher?" He demanded, folding his arms.

"I am your teacher, you silly kid. I am Jiraiya, the Toad Mountain Sage, your teacher, remember?"

"You left out 'megaperve'." Muttered Naruto, which the sannin thought was a little unfair. He was not a pervert.

"Do you want to learn the technique or not?"

"...Okay, but if you try anything funny, I'll feed you a rasengan." Jiraiya grinned, Naruto's smile was quite adorable, maybe he was a bit more like a kitten...or some sort of fluffy animal. He practically even had whiskers. Waving his hand at Naruto to follow, Jiraiya began to walk towards the waterfall. What Jutsu should he teach Naruto?