He always left me. Night after night he was never home. No matter how many times I called even just to see if he was okay...it was like he was in a separate world and he wanted me to have no part in it. But it was fine, I knew he would come back to me. Out of everyone he always came back to me.
Like the good girl I was, I said nothing when he finally came back that night. Covered in blood and smelling vaguely like another female, I welcomed him back with open arms. Even back into my bed. Still I said nothing.
As I embraced him, he harshly pushed into me like a piece of meat. He had no desire to be gentle with me nor to whisper any loving words to me at all. The words came out of my mouth instead, how much I loved him and needed him. No matter what he did I would stand beside him even when no one else wanted to. I would be there.
Still it made no difference, he was as rough as he wanted to be.
I made my first request to him another night, and he listened patiently. I told him I wanted more, and he listened. He smirked after finishing off the last of his cigarette, blowing some of the smoke in my face as he did. I closed my eyes when he told me to and he went to get something. He set a metal tray down in front of me and I opened my eyes to find white powder all aligned.
Our eyes met and he smirked again, he told me this is what I had wanted by saying I wanted more from him. It wasn't what I was talking about but did it really matter? If this got me closer to him then maybe...
We danced together. All over the place and falling over each other while laughing merrily. I couldn't think straight and neither could he. But when we were exhausted he laid on top of me once again, grabbing my throat as he did. He told me I wanted this.
I still have marks from back then.
His mind was on other things, never me. He was hungry, power hungry. And something seemed to be pushing him forward towards an impossible goal that he would tell me about with a smile on his face. Such big dreams. I could almost touch him when he spoke to me about his ambitions.
Then one day he told me that it was time for him to pursue those dreams and that I could come with him if I wanted, but I said no. Why couldn't he stay? Why did he want to rush after something we didn't even need? As soon as the words left my lips he'd already made up his mind, he was leaving as soon as possible. His back leaving through the door had such a feeling of finality coming from it that I felt myself dying when it shut for good.
He told me he would be back soon, the next day possibly, but he never came back.
Someone had the decency to tell me he was gone for good. They took him away from me and there was nothing I could do. The power he was searching for went all to his head and blew in his face. Stupid. He was stupid. But that didn't mean he had to be alone.
I remember closing my eyes and muttering something aloud as I laid on the floor.
"Till the end. I'll love you still"
