Pink carnations

I was smart, they said. I'd go far, they said. I'd find myself with a good career and a nice husband and a white picket fence, they said, because I was responsible, a good kid, sweet. They never said I'd get pregnant at 16. No one ever thought the good girl at the back of the class could make 'such' a mistake. As if one has to consciously decide to have a baby, has to let their parents sign a permission slip, has to read the pamphlet of 'what to expect when expecting!' beforehand.

I felt so empty.

I didn't know this was coming. I believed my proud parents and my encouraging friends. When they said I'd make it far, I promised I'd get further. Nights and nights of revision, all lost over, what? A drunken promise that nothing could happen the first time?

I hated myself.

When I first found out, I drove out of town, staying god knows where for a few nights with the excuse that I was staying at Juliet's place. My mind was so crowded that I couldn't think, couldn't do anything apart from let myself be led far far away from my parents. I spent a whole weekend in the middle of nowhere, simply stopping my car on the side of the rode and ambling through meadows with grass that tickled my thighs and bitter wind that made my fingers numb. I wish it could've done the same thing to my feelings.

The worst part was that when I went back home, I still wasn't ready. I knew they'd react badly, knew they'd threaten to kick me out or something of the like. And not telling them felt so easy. I wasn't showing, not yet, and 6 months seemed oh so far away.

I felt dead.

None of the other mistakes in my life had ever led to such large consequences. A night before an exam binge watching Dan and Phil? The most I got was a C and a slap on the wrist from my parents. Got into a fight with a friend? We lost contact for a few months and then came back to one another. Nothing was ever permanent, I had nothing to compare this to, nothing to help me feel the magnitude of what I'd done.

I was so stupid.

I was smart, they said. But the smart girl wouldn't hide a pregnancy from her parents, from everyone else. She wouldn't have waited until the very last minute, when her mum had to discover it by force. She wouldn't have done something to anger them to that point, made them kick her out and jeopardise not only her life, but her future daughter's.

And now… Now I had a baby, and it didn't matter how smart or dumb I was. All that mattered was that I didn't have a home, and I had a baby to take care of.

After only a week of having her, I'd soon realised that she obliterated everything else. Things rarely mattered nowadays, apart from Ivy needing her diaper changed or Ivy being hungry or Ivy finally giving me a break by going to sleep. It was torture, practically, and the only things I had were the train tickets my parents had given me when they'd kicked me out. Go far, they told me, as if that wasn't already my plan. And for the first time in my life, they meant those words literally, and weren't talking about my grades.

It would've been easier to stay with my friends, have them help me, but I'd relied on them way too long. That had been my initial plan, after Juliet offered to let me stay at her house, but I could see her parents growing tired of Ivy crying during the night, of having to pay for diapers and blankets and a portable crib.

So that night, I packed up, clutching the train tickets in a tight grip. I was going to do this, and I was going to do this right.

Carefully, I picked Ivy up, not wanting her to wake up and give me away so soon. I'd already put everything away, and now only her crib was left. I knew it was awful, taking a present they'd given me so kindly, but this was my last hope, I needed it. With clumsy hands, I undid the clutch, waiting with baited breath as it folded itself with a snap. Luckily, no one heard, everyone already being sleep deprived from Ivy's awful affinity for waking people up.

Despite being so upset with everything happening, I did love her. Of course I did. She had beautiful blue eyes, just like her dad's, and she clutched at my fingers like I was the only thing in her world. And I was.

With a tired sigh, I finished putting everything in my school bag, tying the crib to it. I hadn't gotten round to asking for a stroller, so I carefully tied Ivy to me with a scarf, like I'd seen a lady do it in a youtube video. That was the only thing I had left, really. Normal people had their parents to give them advice, whilst they watched as their kids fumbled with parenthood in an endearing way. And I had the internet. Which was fine by me. At least, that's what I told myself, before breaking into tears each night with pitiful whimpers.

My body ached from lack of sleep, my back stiff from constantly holding Ivy, but there was nothing for me to do apart from walk down the stairs and leave. It wasn't like things would be any better here. Next to my chest, Ivy gurgled, making me smile fondly.

My world was falling apart, but I had her.

Hi :)

So, this is my new story! It'll centre around Olivia, her daughter Ivy, and Elaina, who'll be introduced soon :) There isn't much to say in this first author's note haha, but tell me what you think! Thanks!

See you next week :)

Bye bye xx